LIZ, I TALKED TO DR BARRY

WELL I DID IT. I TALKED TO DR BARRY. I TOLD HER EVERYTHING. SHE ASKED ME LOTS OF QUESTIONS ABOUT MY EMOTIONAL STATE, ABOUT STUFF FROM THE PAST, ABOUT FEELINGS, YES, THOSE ALL IMPORTANT THNGS THAT DRIVE ME FREAKING NUTS. SHE GOT IT AND WAS TOTALLY AWESOME. I HAD A KINDA HARD TIME TELLING HER ABOUT HOW I VIEWED OUR RELATIONSHIP, HOW WHEN SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO ME, LIKE HER OR EILEEN COMPLIMENTS ME, THAT I AUTOMATICALLY THINK THEY ARE JUST SAYING GOOD OR NICE THINGS TO BE NICE, THAT THEY HAVE AN OLTERIOR MOTIVE. IT WAS HARD TO TELL HER HOW IMPORTANT SHE IS TO US, WITHOUT FEELING DUMB. SHE UNDERSTOOD THOUGH. I FELT GOOD ONCE I TALKED TO HER. LIKE A WEIGHT HAD BEEN LIFTED FROM ME. I TOLD HER I’D OFFERED TO HELP CAROL ANNE WITH COLLEGE, AND WE’RE ALSO TALKING ABOUT ME POSSIBLY TAKING ON A KINDA DUAL ROLE WITH CAROL ANNE, SO WE’D BOTH BE LEADING THE SYSTEM, NOT JUST HER ON HER OWN. DR BARRY SEEMED TO THINK THAT WAS A WONDERFUL IDEA. SHE PRAISED ME AGAIN SAYING I’D REALLY COME VERY FAR IN THE PAST YEAR, WHERE AS BEFORE I’D REACT FIRST THINK LATER, NOW I’M STARTING TO THINK FIRST REACT SECOND. ITS FUNNY TO DO THINGS IN THAT WAY WHEN I NEVER DID BEFORE. BUT IT ALLOWS ME TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE AND STUFF SO THAT IS A POSITIVE. I TOLD DR BARRY I’D DONE THE OBSERVING AND DESCRIBING EMOTIONS WORKSHEET AND FOUND THAT BENEFICIAL. I ALSO TOLD HER I HAD INTENSE URGES TO SELF HARM WHEN I WAS TRIGGERED LAST WEEK BUT I DIDNT DO IT INSTEAD I USED MY COPING SKILLS. VERY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR USING MY SKILLS. I’M GLAD I MANAGED TO TALK TO HER AND I DIDNT END UP SAYING NOTHING. NOW SHE KNOWS, SHE’LL BE MORE AWARE THAT THINGS LIKE POSITIVE COMMENTS COMPLIMENTS TRIGGER ME.
LIZ

THE COUNT DOWN IS ON

I’M SITTING HERE WAITING FOR THE TAXI TO ARRIVE TO TAKE US TO OUR APT WITH DR BARRY AND I’M TRYING TO PLAN OUT WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY to her. WE HAVE TO HAVE AN INTENSE CONVERSATION, I DO, I’M THE ONE WHO WAS TRIGGERED LAST WEEK AFTER OUR APPOINTMENT SO ITS UP TO ME TO TELL HER THAT AND WHY AND STUFF. I’M NERVOUS AND APPREHENSIVE. I HATE WHEN I HAVE TO TELL HER SOMETHING THATS DIFFICULT TO SAY OR PUT INTO WORDS. IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE THAT WHEN SHE WAS SAYING GOOD THINGS ABOUT US, COMPLIMENTING US, SAYING HOW INTELLIGENT WE WERE, WHAT POTENTIAL WE HAD, THAT THAT’D TRIGGER OFF PAST SHIT IN ME PAST MESSAGES FROM TOXIC PEOPLE LIKE OUR ABUSERS. BUT IT DID. AND NOW I HAVE TO TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO DR BARRY SOMEHOW. NOT SURE SHE’S GONNA UNDERSTAND SINCE SHE’S PROBABLY NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN HER LIFE. ALL I CAN DO IS GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT I GUESS AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. I COULD ASK ANOTHER INSIDER TO DO THE EXPLAINING FOR ME, BUT I AM NOT A WIMP AND I KINDA WANT THE CHANCE TO EXPLAIN IT MYSELF. PUSH PULL, I WANT TO, I DONT WANT TO. UG. I HATE MY EMOTIONS SOMETIMES.
LIZ

LIZ MY THERAPY SESSION TODAY

WELL DESPITE MY ANXIETY THIS MORNING WE WENT TO THERAPY. AND I HAD MOST OF OUR SESSION. FIRST OF ALL CAROL ANNE TALKED TO EILEEN AND TOLD HER I WAS FEELING ANXIOUS. AND EILEEN ASKED WHAT I WANTED TO DO, WHETHER I WANTED TO LET CAROL ANNE SPEAK FOR ME OR COME OUT MYSELF TO TALK TO HER. WELL I DONT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE SPEAKING ON MY BEHALF, SO I DECIDED TO COME FORWARD AND TELL HER WHAT WAS ABOTHERING ME. IT ALL STARTED LAST WEEK, AFTER OUR APT WITH DR BARRY. SOMETIMES THE APTS REALLY TRIGGER ME BECAUSE WE TALK ABOUT REAL INTENSE THINGS IN THEM. IT WAS NOT SO MUCH THAT THE APPOINTMENT WAS INTENSE, BUT MORE ABOUT THAT DR BARRY WAS SAYING LOTS OF GOOD THINGS ABOUT US, AND THAT IN TURN WAS TRIGGERING MESSAGES FROM OUR PAST…MESSAGES LIKE YOUR A FAILURE, WORTHLESS, NO GOOD, ETC. LOTS OF PEOPLE INCLUDING OUR ABUSERS AND OTHER PEOPLE WE’VE KNOWN HAVE SAID THINGS LIKE THAT TO US, SO THAT NOW WHEN ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING TO CONTRADICT THOSE MESSAGES IT IMMEDIATELY TRIGGERS US. EILEEN SAID IT WAS A PART OF ME THAT WAS TRIGGERED, AND WE WORKED WITH THAT PART FOR A WHILE. I WAS HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH BEING ABLE TO SAY THE WORDS. EVENTUALLY I MANAGED TO TELL HER THAT I’M SO AFRAID WE’LL FAIL, IT WONT WORK OUT, AND THEN WE’LL LET PEOPLE DOWN. I DONT WANT TO DO THAT. I ESPECIALLY DONT WANT TO LET DR BARRY DOWN OR OUR MOM. EILEEN ASKED IF I REALISE THE TRIGGERED PART IS A PART OF ME. I SORTA DO BUT ITS SO HARD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AND ACCEPT THAT ACTUALLY ITS A PART OF ME. WE ENDED UP WORKING ON BREATHING FOR A WHILE AND I WAS HOLDING MY BREATHE, EILEEN HAD TO REMIND ME TO BREATHE ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. THEN I GOT THE JITTERS, BECAUSE MY ANXIETY WAS SO HEIGHTENED. I TRIED TO PUT WORDS TO WHY I WAS SO JITTERY BUT I COULDNT. SO WE LEFT IT AND SAID WE’D COME BACK TO IT ANOTHER TIME. IT WAS QUITE AN INTENSE SESSION BUT I AM GLAD I GOT TO HAVE THE TIME BECAUSE I NEEDED IT THIS WEEK.
LIZ

TRIGGERED SO DOING THIS. OBSERVING AND DESCRIBING EMOTIONS WORKSHEET

FEELING INTENSE EMOTION RIGHT NOW. AM REALLY TRIGGERED. SENT EILEEN A TEXT TELLING HER I FELT OVERWHELMED AND EMOTIONAL AND TRIGGERED. DIDNT HAVE WORDS TO TELL HER WHY. SHE’LL UNDERSTAND. SAW THIS ON ANOTHER BLOG AND DECIDED I’D TRY AND FILL IT OUT. HERE GOES.

Name: LIZ Date: 8/27/15

Primary Emotions: SADNESS, ANGER, OVERWHELM, DESPAIR Intensity (0-100): 90

Prompting event (for emotion, who what, where, when):

WAS HAVING FLASHBACKS. THEY CAME ON SUDDENLY. REMEMBERED STUFF AROUND MY ABUSE. STUFF ABOUT BEING RAPED. COULDNT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD AND SPIRALED THEN.

Interpretation (beliefs, assumptions, and appraisals of the situation):

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, IT CANT BE. ITS NOT FAIR. I HATE FLASHBACKS, I HATE MEMORIES, I WISH IT WOULD JUST STOP.

Body changes and sensing: FEELING LIKE PUNCHING SOMEONE, PREFERABLY MY ABUSERS, WANTING TO CRY, FEELING ALONE AND FRUSTRATED.

Body Language (facial expression, posture, gestures): EYES TEARING UP, SCREWING UP MY FACE, HITTING MY HAND ON THE TABLE

Action Urges (what did I feel like doing, what did I want to say):

PUNCHING SOMEONE, CRYING, LASHING OUT, REACHING OUT TO SOMEONE, CUTTING.. Taking PILLS. .

What I said or did in the situation:

EMAILED MY THERAPIST, DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE, LOOKED AT MY EMAIL, PATTED NITRO.

After Effects (secondary emotions, memories, thoughts, state of mind, behavior):

THE ANGER TURNED TO OVERWHELMING SADNESS ONCE THE RAGE SUBSIDED. FELT LIKE JUST CRYING MY EYES OUT. NEEDED A HUG FROM SOMEONE.

(expectations) and the root emotion (anger.)

Function of Emotion: ????

Other possible interpretations:

I SHOULD USE MY COPING SKILLS, IF I DO, THEN PERHAPS I’LL FEEL LESS INTENSE EMOTIONS AND BE LESS TRIGGERED.

New Intensity (0-100): 50

Dr barry and The conversation around triggers

We saw Dr Barry this morning. When we went in she knew something was up, she straight away asked me how I was, she said I wasnt looking too hot. I told her I’d gotten really triggered last night because that guy had come to the door, remember the guy who was supposedly selling make up? Anyway I told Dr Barry that when he was at my door I was real dissociative, foggy and fuzzy, couldnt think clearly, couldnt concentrate to tell him to leave, but how eventually I did it somehow and he left quietly and without a fuss. Dr Barry said it was unlike me to just open the door, and I told her I’d been distracted and hadnt been thinking clearly. She said that it could happen to anyone, and how when its summer time and not dark outside, and only 7 o’clock in the evening, you think it is ok to open your door. She reassured me that he’s on my cameras, and that I could get the file off the hard drive if I needed to. She asked me what I’d have done if he hadnt left, and I was like I dont know! I didnt think of that. My phone had been in my bedroom, I suppose I could have screamed, someone might have heard me, but well not really sure what other options I have. I dont know marshall arts or self defense. I’m not tall and I dont think I could win if he put up a fight. Luckily he didnt though which is good. I told Dr Barry I’d been pretty unsettled for the rest of the night after he’d gone. Luckily I’d been texting my friend sarah and that kinda grounded me and kept me from totally zoning out, although we did have quite an amount of switching for the rest of last night. Taylor whose six was having hallucinations after he left, i think the fact that some strange man was at our door scared her and sent her into trigger mode. She always hallucinates when triggered. Even when we went to bed we werent able to go to sleep for a long time, and when we eventually did, we kept waking up and having bad dreams. It was just an all round hard night. Dr Barry was really noticing how unsettled we were today. We talked a little about the dissociation, and how eileen always catches it when we’re in therapy, but I told her that when we’re on our own there is no one to notice and ground us orientate us back to the present. It feels overwhelming to try to do it all by ourselves. It was a good appointment and Dr Barry reassured me which was nice and something that was much needed by all of us in the system.