This weeks Dr Barry appointment was intense

I didnt go to college today. I am depressed. I’ve been having severe flashbacks. I couldnt face it. But I did see Dr Barry. I knew I had to go to see her to talk about all this. I went in there and sat down heavily and sighed.
Dr Barry: How are you today? How was your week?
Me: Oh dr barry, I feel awful. I’m depressed and suicidal.
She was shocked and concerned. Tell me about it? She said softly and gently. So I did.
I’ve been having awful flashbacks of the assault I suffered a year ago. For those who dont know or who arent aware, I was raped around last April. Basically, some people from my past, abusers, did it. So far no bodys been prosecuted. I told Dr Barry that I feel disgusting, and so worthless. I feel like I am just an object to be used and abused. And I almost cried but was able to hold the tears in. I told dr barry I’d emailed eileen last night. And before I’d left today to go to dr barry eileen had emailed me back and tried to reassure me. I was glad to get her email but I did not feel better even with her gentle and kind reassurances that I am not an object, that we can work through this, that she is here for me, and that I’ll be ok. I just felt flat, low, bla, like I was not able to cope.
Dr Barry listened, before softly telling me that its ok not to be ok. That I am way too hard on myself. That I put way too much pressure on myself to be a model patient. She said sometimes it takes time to deal with things, and its ok if I couldnt all along, I said I wasnt ready, and she reassured me that thats ok. Things only come out when we feel safe, and when we’re ready to share them. I then told her how I’d wanted to tell her months ago about my partner and talk about her illness and how I felt about that with her, but words failed me. I said how I knew she’d put so much into building a relationship with me, dr barry had, and how I felt that I was holding back and withholding information that was important. She said I should give myself a break, I should not try to be a model patient, that I’ve been doing great, but its ok to not do great too. I told her how my family are pressuring me to stay ok, and because they see me coping and being ok and having some good days, they then dont want me to have a bad day. She asked me if I told them that everyone has bad days, we cant all be ok all of the time. I said I had but they still dont seem to grasp it or get it. She said its their inability to understand the challenges I face and that I’ll probably never change them. I sighed and not for the first time wished I could have Dr Barry as my mom.
We talked about possibly adding a medication if the depression doesnt lift. She thought about the options and I was saying how most of the meds dont or havent worked for me. And then there is the added problem of remembering to take them. I was taking sertraline, but I have been off it for a while now. I was also taking lyrica but I no longer take that one either. I do take xeplion and in the end she said she’d increase that one. And she said I could get the next dose a week earlier than I was supposed to. So instead of taking 100 MG I’ll be taking 150 MG of that med starting next week. I hope it does something and is worth while. I was telling her how lately, the last two times I’ve gotten the injection, that I start out feeling good and then two weeks into the cycle I start to feel down, anxious, unstable. She said she hadnt heard anyone else say that but its possible.
She asked me if I wanted to sit down with her and talk about the police report that she was meant to do up after last years assault. I said some time I’d like to as we’ve not given the report to the police yet, and she hasnt fully written it, its just a draft and she wants to get my input as to what I want them to know about our did. So that needs to be done soon too.
Other than that she said Mark had texted her yesterday afternoon after the meeting we had in the morning, and told her it was really positive and I’d done really well advocating for myself and she was really pleased for me. I didnt know Mark was gonna do that. I thought he’d just leave a note in my file.
It was a good appointment though and I feel much better after it.

Book review-Girl alone by Cathy Glass

I just finished Cathy glass’s new book girl alone. It was an amazing and gripping read, as are all of Cathys books. This book told Joss’s story. Joss came to live with Cathy at age 13. 4 years previous her dad had committed suicide. Joss and her mother had come home and found his lifeless body hanging in their garage. Joss as you can imagine had not dealt with this and as a result was doing lots of unsafe things, such as drinking and smoking canibas. Her mother Linda has since remarried, and Joss did not get along with her stepfather Eric and there had been lots of arguments at home resulting in Joss being taken into care. In the beginning when Joss comes to Cathy she has attitude, and continues to act out and do unsafe things. Cathy regularly tries to talk to her to make her see sense but it does no good. A contract of behaviour is drawn up but it is very lax and Joss is allowed to stay out late which Cathy doesnt agree with. However her social worker is young and naive and tries to be Joss’s friend, rather than her social worker. Joss hangs around with older girls, and doesnt do her school work so is behind at school. Then the school inform Cathy that Joss is being collected in a car by two older men. We come to find out the men are Zack, her friend Chelseas uncle, and Carl his friend. Joss lies to Cathy a lot and Cathy begins to wonder if she’ll ever be able to get through to her. Then an incident happens where Cathy goes to Chelseas flat and finds a party going on, lots of young teens smoking and drinking and when she goes upstairs to find Joss she finds her with Chelsea and Chelseas father in the bedroom. After Cathy takes Joss home and tries to talk to her but Joss becomes hostile and tells Cathy she is ruining her life. A week later Joss goes out for an evening and comes home and discloses to Cathy that Zack has raped her. A police investigation ensues. Then Joss makes more disclosures, this time about Eric her moms husband and her stepfather. She tells Cathy that Eric has sexually abused her. At first her mom doesnt believe Joss and sides with Eric. Eventually Joss’s social worker goes to visit her mom and brother Kevin and Kevin is interviewed and he also discloses abuse by ERic. So the social workers say that Kevin has to come in to foster care. However before he does Linda their mother runs away with him and ends up at her parents house. She is distraught and very upset. She tells her parents that she’s left Eric because she realises now that he did abuse her kids, something Kevin told her led her to finally believe him and Joss. Linda becomes very depressed and Joss and Cathy are afraid she is going to kill herself too like her husband. Joss’s grandparents fight for kevin and Joss to live with them permanently and Kevin does, but Joss stays with Cathy and sees her family at weekends. After a couple months of this arrangement her grandparents threaten social services with court action if they dont make a decision so it is decided that Joss and Kevin can live with their grandparents full time. Joss, Kevin and their mom live with their grandparents for another year after Joss eventually moves back to live there. Eventually after a year linda is deamed well enough to parent her children again. The book was shocking in so many places. Its heartbreaking in other parts, it is deeply moving and a testiment to the resilience and determination of children who have survived awful tragedies. After disclosing the abuse joss’s behaviour drastically improves, she’s like a totally different child. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in fostering, social work, or any abuse survivor. You wont be able to put it down.

Love me challenge day 11

Day 11: Share a smile

The day I got Nitro, my beautiful guide dog. He has changed my life in so many ways. I can never thank him enough. He is one of the main reasons I stay alive. I dont want to leave him alone and wondering what happened to his mommy.

Love me challenge day 8

Day 8: Share a scar

Although not a physical scar, my many overdoses have left a lot of emotional scars. So much so that now taking tablets is a big issue for me. When I have to take even just a tablet for a headache, I physically feel like Im going to throw up. All the times I swallowed handfuls of pills, its just a reminder that I did that which I would rather not have to think about.

Seeing Dr Barry yesterday

we saw dr barry yesterday. it was a really good and productive appointment.
we started off by talking about therapy and about liz and her therapy session that she had on Monday. Dr barry was really interested in how that had gone for Liz. she didnt speak directly to liz, Liz wasnt in the mood for talking so I did the talking instead.
I explained about Liz wanting to commit suicide and coming really close to doing so on Sunday night. Dr Barry was wondering what had made Liz so suicidal, I said it was a combo of things, both dealing with painful emotions and also dealing with memories and having had a lot of flashbacks lately.
Somehow then the conversation turned to our childhood. We ended up talking about the disfunction in our family, our dads alcoholism, and we also spoke about the did, Dr Barry was wondering how far back it was that I remembered us dissociating. She was surprised that I remembered being 3 and talking to the others, when everyone else thought I had imaginary friends. But I clearly remember the others being there, and having conversations with them. I obviously did not know then that it was did.
We talked about our grammas suicide, she killed herself when we were five years old. I talked to Dr Barry about some memories I had surrounding that and her death.
We also talked about our mom now, how most of the time she isnt accepting of the did, and she doesnt acknowledge insiders, but occasionally she does something that shows me she really is quite aware of the fact that there is more than one of us in this body. For example a few years ago when I was hospitalised, I remember asking her to bring some stuffed animals and dolls, and she did it without questioning me about it. And another time she brought some books kids books without asking why I needed them. Its things like that that let me know she kinda gets it sometimes. She just isnt capable of fully understanding the magnitude of the situation.
Dr Barry said she’d introduce me to Zuliana, the junior doctor, and I could use her as a fall back for when Dr Barry is out of the office, as she’s going to be there for six months. I kinda know her already, as she admitted me to hospital a few times, she’s quite friendly, bubbly and quite nice so I dont mind using her if I have too.
We also discussed my sleep and I told Dr Barry I didnt want any meds, she said she’s glad I’m not looking for meds, because they are dangerous for me with our history of overdosing on them, but that if things got real bad then we could look at it again, and she would give them to me if I really wanted them and felt I needed them but right now it would be better if I didnt use them and she was hopeful I could gage if my sleep was off and that I could use my skills I learned to help me when I am tired, and she also said that when I start college in september that she’s hopeful things will settle down. I hope so.