We saw Dr Barry yesterday. We had a really long appointment, it was an hour and a half. Its usually an hour long. There was so much to discuss though. We talked about therapy and I told her that I didnt go last monday, due to my PTSD symptoms being really intense. I told her we’d discussed that recent episode of dissociation during last weeks therapy session. We figured out that there was contact from past abusers, both by phone and via email. I hadnt known this info but during our therapy session Allie disclosed it. We talked about us living alone, and how vulnerable we feel sometimes. Dr Barry said it seems I am worrying about a lot. And my anxiety is really intense. She seemed to think that starting college, and the fact that I really really want it to work out and am working so hard on making sure that happens, is heightening my anxiety. I tend to agree with her. I told her I wasnt sleeping very well. We discussed ways which I could try to get a better sleep pattern going. Then we talked about attachment issues, and I told her that last week in therapy I’d asked Eileen if I was too needy, or too intense, and how eileen had said no not at all. I told dr barry that I am very attached to both herself and eileen, and she asked me if I thought my attachment was unhealthy. I said I didnt know. That I am relying on herself and Eileen to manage that, because I have such a messed up view of attachment that I cant gage it. She said I was being very honest. We got on then to talking about family issues, mainly my mom and our relationship. I told her that its hard for me to feel certain things, like for example, I desperately want to be cared about and for but part of me says its not ok, that I shouldnt want that, because I never got it as a kid. So sometimes I intentionally prevent it from happening, for example, I shut down, or pull away from people, or do something to sabbotage it. Dr Barry asked me if its because I am scared, I said yes I am scared. But its also because its easier to pretend not to care, that way if the person who is caring for you pulls away or takes that care away, you dont end up hurt and rejected. She said she understands why I feel that way. I told her I am trying hard with both her and eileen not to do that. She said I am doing a very good job so far. We talked about my relationship with my mom, and dr barry said she felt it had improved over the last few months. How we’re doing things more now like having coffee together, I’m asking her to help me with practical things etc. She did say she knows my mom isnt really there for me emotionally. Nor she hasnt ever been. I said that is really hurtful and how I wished she was there for me in that way. I told dr barry that the kids in our system see eileen as their second mom, and they’ve even told her that. I said how I’d never be brave enough to say that to eileen. She said how I try to be age appropriate, and how I am older and the younger insiders find it easier to say those sorta things, they dont have that fear that I do. We talked about college, and I told her there had been a few teething problems. I’m dealing with them though with the instructors. She told me to try not to get too anxious, that things will work out, I just have to give it time and keep doing what I am doing in therapy, that she can really see a shift in our system dynamic over the last while. I was grateful for her feedback. It was really helpful. Sometimes I hate loaded sessions like yesterdays because there is so much to think about afterwords and to relect on. But I will, and hopefully I will be able to figure more of the puzzle out.
hi its me allie. i’m bummed. we didnt go to therapy today. that makes me sad. carol anne was feeling tired, and miserable so she decided to not go. if i made the decisions around here, i would have went. now we dont get to see eileen for 10 whole days. i just texted her a few minutes ago to tell her that i miss her and it feels like a long time, the 10 days. it feels like forever! she hasnt replied yet, but i know she will when she can. i dont like it when the bigs decide stuff sometimes. we werent sick today as in vomiting, or like real sick you know so we couldnt move, so i think we should have gone. i think the tiredness would have gone away if we just made ourselves go. oh well. its too late now i guess. im just mad and kinda sad that we never had our therapy session today.
allie age 9
WELL DESPITE MY ANXIETY THIS MORNING WE WENT TO THERAPY. AND I HAD MOST OF OUR SESSION. FIRST OF ALL CAROL ANNE TALKED TO EILEEN AND TOLD HER I WAS FEELING ANXIOUS. AND EILEEN ASKED WHAT I WANTED TO DO, WHETHER I WANTED TO LET CAROL ANNE SPEAK FOR ME OR COME OUT MYSELF TO TALK TO HER. WELL I DONT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE SPEAKING ON MY BEHALF, SO I DECIDED TO COME FORWARD AND TELL HER WHAT WAS ABOTHERING ME. IT ALL STARTED LAST WEEK, AFTER OUR APT WITH DR BARRY. SOMETIMES THE APTS REALLY TRIGGER ME BECAUSE WE TALK ABOUT REAL INTENSE THINGS IN THEM. IT WAS NOT SO MUCH THAT THE APPOINTMENT WAS INTENSE, BUT MORE ABOUT THAT DR BARRY WAS SAYING LOTS OF GOOD THINGS ABOUT US, AND THAT IN TURN WAS TRIGGERING MESSAGES FROM OUR PAST…MESSAGES LIKE YOUR A FAILURE, WORTHLESS, NO GOOD, ETC. LOTS OF PEOPLE INCLUDING OUR ABUSERS AND OTHER PEOPLE WE’VE KNOWN HAVE SAID THINGS LIKE THAT TO US, SO THAT NOW WHEN ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING TO CONTRADICT THOSE MESSAGES IT IMMEDIATELY TRIGGERS US. EILEEN SAID IT WAS A PART OF ME THAT WAS TRIGGERED, AND WE WORKED WITH THAT PART FOR A WHILE. I WAS HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH BEING ABLE TO SAY THE WORDS. EVENTUALLY I MANAGED TO TELL HER THAT I’M SO AFRAID WE’LL FAIL, IT WONT WORK OUT, AND THEN WE’LL LET PEOPLE DOWN. I DONT WANT TO DO THAT. I ESPECIALLY DONT WANT TO LET DR BARRY DOWN OR OUR MOM. EILEEN ASKED IF I REALISE THE TRIGGERED PART IS A PART OF ME. I SORTA DO BUT ITS SO HARD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AND ACCEPT THAT ACTUALLY ITS A PART OF ME. WE ENDED UP WORKING ON BREATHING FOR A WHILE AND I WAS HOLDING MY BREATHE, EILEEN HAD TO REMIND ME TO BREATHE ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. THEN I GOT THE JITTERS, BECAUSE MY ANXIETY WAS SO HEIGHTENED. I TRIED TO PUT WORDS TO WHY I WAS SO JITTERY BUT I COULDNT. SO WE LEFT IT AND SAID WE’D COME BACK TO IT ANOTHER TIME. IT WAS QUITE AN INTENSE SESSION BUT I AM GLAD I GOT TO HAVE THE TIME BECAUSE I NEEDED IT THIS WEEK.
I FEEL ANXIOUS. THERAPY IS IN AN HOUR. DONT REALLY WANNA GO. DONT WANT TO TRY TO FIND MY WORDS. THEY GOT LOST AND ITS SO HARD TO FIND THEM TO SAY THE THINGS ON MY MIND. I HATE THAT FEELING OF ANXIETY WELLING UP INSIDE IN MY CHEST AND THROAT AND BELLY. MY THROAT FEELS LIKE IT MAY CLOSE UP. MY CHEST IS TIGHT AND MY STOMACH IS DOING FLIP FLOPS. ITS NUTS AND I AM BOTH STRESSED, ANXIOUS AND IRRITATED AT MYSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY. EILEEN WILL BE HER USUAL AWESOME SELF I KNOW THAT. SO WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? WE HAD A NICE EMAIL EXCHANGE OVER THE WEEKEND. I TOLD HER AS MUCH AS I COULD IN AN EMAIL. I TOLD HER I WAS FEELING TRIGGERED AND DID NOT HAVE WORDS TO PUT TO IT. SHE UNDERSTOOD. I HATE MONDAYS TOO SO EVERYTHING JUST FEELS BLA THIS MORNING.
this is allie. and i’m very excited.
eileens home from vacation. i texted her last night. she told me to text 2 days before we saw her to remind her to charge up her digital recorder. cuz guess what? tomorrow we will take our new book into her office and she’s gonna read to us. i am super happy and i cant wait to be read to. it will be so special i think. the book is all about feelings. and there is a heart cut out on each page, and you can feel it. i think its called the heart book but i’m not sure if thats the name of the book and i dont know the name of the author. its gonna be so cool to have eileen read a story. and we will record it so we can listen over and over to it. i’m even thinking of asking eileen if we can make reading part of therapy and maybe once every couple of weeks if she’ll read a book to us and let us record the stories. it makes me feel so loved that she is going to do this for us. carol anne says its part of the attachment based therapy. it allows us to bond even more than we already are to her. i’m just super excited. i dont think i’ll be able to sleep tonight lol.