Category Archives: Therapy

Is therapy worth it?

Is it worth going to therapy? Sometimes I think its not. I wonder about the therapy process a lot.

In therapy you process things.

You talk about bad things.

You try to untangle the past.

You cry.

You remember horrific things from childhood.

It makes you feel like shit.

At least it makes me feel like shit. Does anyone else feel that way too?

It makes you hurt. It makes you feel intense emotions.

Its so complex. Its hard going. So is it worth it?

Is it worth the pain? The emotional roller coaster that starts once therapy starts?

I wish I had an answer to that. Is therapy just a dumping ground? Somewhere to dump all the shit your carrying?

Is it supposed to make you feel bad? Or does it really cause you to heal?

I’m not so sure I know. But I wish I did.

brook age 9

I am more than my trauma!

We went to therapy today. It was an interesting session. We ended up doing EMDR.
During the EMDR, Eileen asked us to think of a time in our life when we were really present, really focused, and really grounded. At first I couldn’t think of anything. I found it really hard to think. But then it hit me.
When I was in college, learning, and doing work, I was grounded, present. I love learning. I love being busy. Give me a project to focus on and everything else disappears.
In that moment, I said to Eileen…I am more than my trauma. Yes, she said, you are. Sometimes its hard for me to believe that I am actually more than my trauma. I feel like my trauma defines me.
But today I figured out there is more depth to me, more parts to me that aren’t traumatised. I am not just my trauma, and my trauma doesn’t define who i am as a person.
That was a really big realisation to have. But a good realisation to have. I needed to hear that today.
Eileen said I am a resourceful, compassionate, know how to get my needs met kind of person. And I guess she’s right, I am.
She asked me to let the rest of the system feel what I was feeling, so I did. I told them to breathe into it. And they all did. And they all or those of them who understood it felt really good about it.
I said to Eileen, I didn’t know how we actually survived everything, without breaking. She said its our indomidible spirit, that we are all born to try to do our best, no matter what. We’re not born to give up. We just keep trying, and that is what I and we did.
It was a good session though. I got lots out of it.
carol anne

Therapy:A holding space

So in therapy yesterday I was discussing with Eileen how that sometimes we find it so hard to say the words out, to tell her whats going on for us. We want to tell her, but we simply just cannot do it, because of fear, or we are too overwhelmed, or it is just too difficult.
So we were trying to come up with a strategy for how to tell her. And here is what we decided on.
We decided that when one of us is feeling overwhelmed and we are having memories, and cant get our words together, that we’d simply just text her or email her and say “I need a container” and then she’d get that we’re struggling. She said yesterday that we could make a holding space in her office, a sort of container, to hold stuff that we’re finding too overwhelming, and we can hold it there until our next session.
And she offered that she’d hold it with us, so we’re not alone with it.
I think that will work. Its not about stuffing things down, or dissociating our feelings, its simply about holding the memories until we’re in her office and in a safe place to discuss them with her.
Carol anne

So…I caved?

I caved. I rang Eileen earlier. That’s our therapist for those of you who don’t know. I’d been struggling all weekend trying to decide whether I should call her or not and I hadn’t done it. Well this evening I finally did.

After todays apt with Dr Barry I was feeling a lot of overwhelm and very emotional also. The discussion of the report for the police, and their questions around our diagnosis had left me somewhat overwhelmed. I knew Eileen would give me some good advice if I called. I also knew that if she was able to she’d talk to me then and there.

Unfortunately she couldn’t talk when I called. She didn’t answer, and I left a message. About half an hour later she texted me to say that she was rushing out the door to college “she lectures on a psychotherapy course for trainee therapists”. However she told me to call her tomorrow afternoon after four PM and we could talk then. I realise she’s a busy lady so I wasn’t upset about it or anything. I know we’ll talk tomorrow and that’s good enough for me.

Things I felt when she texted me…

I felt heard

I felt acknowledged

I felt listened to

I felt happy

I felt like someone was there for me

I felt loved

carol anne