feeling so alone. triggered. emotional. my head is spinning, literally. Want to cry but cant. Hate this so much. Just feel so much emotion, ug.
So long time readers and friends will know I have a pretty intense relationship with my dad. Its always been that way. My dad, for those who dont know, is an alcoholic. He likes to think he isnt, but he damn well is. All of my childhood, he’s drank. In 2007 he got sorosis of the liver, and he gave up drink for four years but in 2011 he started again. Yes he drinks less now, but he still drinks, and when he drinks, he’s an asshole!
Yesterday morning, I got up, and went to the kitchen, I had been staying in mom and dads on Saturday night. I was sitting eating my toast, and I happened to mention to mom that I needed some groceries, and could she take me at some point? Usually my PA would take me on satuday morning, but this weekend I had to go to dublin so my PA didnt come on Saturday. So I said to mom could she take me, and she was like in a mood about it, and asked me what do you need? She said it in a way that was like “I dont really want to go” “Do you really need that much?” so of course I got snippy then and reacted by becoming irritated and snapped at her.
Immediately my dad started in on me…without warning. He said that I was treating mom badly, and I’m always treating her badly, which is totally untrue. He then went on to say that I was very bitter, I had an attitude, and was angry at the world. Hello? I’m angry at the world? Well yes! The world has been pretty fucking mean to me! First his drinking, his temper, then the abuse I endured, then the bullying, and on and on, you get the picture. Excuse me if I am a little angry because of all that.
When he’d finished calling me names, and saying things about me that werent nice, I was crying, upset, and ready to go home. I almost went home. Mom actually stood up for me even though I’d originally snapped at her. Later I apologised to mom and she told me just to not say anything around dad, that what he wont know wont bother him, and that if I needed her to go grocery shopping that she would, that all she’d been asking was what I needed, she didnt mean to sound like she was saying we shouldnt go.
Its too bad my dad wont deal with his anger issues, he’s always saying how I should give up seeing eileen and Dr Barry. He wants me off all meds. He says I dont have a mental illness. He says I just have an attitude and anger issues and its up to me to fix that.
Well, if I have an attitude and anger issues, I wonder where I got them from? Learnt behaviour? My family is so disfunctional that its not surprising I have those issues going on.
I’M FUMING. I COULD KILL SOMEONE RIGHT NOW, LITERALLY. I KNOW WHO THAT SOMEONE IS. A PERSON WHO NOT ONLY FAKES DID, BUT IS NOW FAKING RITUAL ABUSE TOO. THIS PERSON I’VE KNOWN ONLINE FOR YEARS. THEY’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. AND I’VE HAD ENOUGH. I’M DONE. THEY WERE A PART OF MY DID EMAIL SUPPORT GROUP. I ALLOWED THEM ON IT THINKING THEY’D CHANGE. YES I GAVE THEM A CHANCE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY ARE DESERVING OF ONE. THEY HAD BEEN THROWN OFF A LOT OF GROUPS FOR FAKING DID AND FAKING OTHER ASPECTS OF MENTAL ILLNESS. NOW NOT ONLY ARE THEY DOING THAT BUT THEY ARE FAKING RITUAL ABUSE TOO. EVERY TIME THEY WRITE AN EMAIL THEY SAY MORE AND MORE THINGS THAT ARE GRAPHIC AND EACH NEW EMAIL HAS MORE IN IT THAN THE LAST. THEY ARE LITERALLY TAKING PEOPLE ON MY GROUPS STORIES AS THEIR OWN. INCLUDING OUR STORY WHICH IS DESPICABLE! I CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE WOULD DO SUCH A THING. ITS CRAZY! I’VE SPENT THE LAST HOUR RAGING AND SO ANGRY AND WANTING TO THROW SOMETHING OR HIT SOMEONE PREFERABLY THIS PERSON. THIS KINDA THING IS UNCALLED FOR. I KNOW WITH ONLINE PEOPLE YOU CAN NEVER REALLY TELL WHATS TRUE AND WHAT ISNT BECAUSE YOU HAVENT MET THE PERSON AND YOU ONLY KNOW WHAT THEY SHARE. AN EXAMPLE OF THIS PERSONS WILD STORIES IS TONIGHT THEY SAID THEY WERE BORN IN A CAR CRASH. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY HAVE NUMBER PROGRAMMING AFTER CLAIMING FOR YEARS THEY WERENT RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS AT ALL. I’VE HAD IT WITH THEM. I REMOVED THEM FROM MY EMAIL LIST. NO MORE CRAZINESS AND FABRICATED STORIES! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! THEY CAN PRETEND SOMEWHERE ELSE. I’M DONE WITH THEIR BULLSHIT. COMPLETELY DONE AND NOT GOING THERE ANYMORE. BY BYE, FAKERS!
“Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.”
FUCK LIFE FUCK THERAPY FUCK MY FAMILY AND FUCK THE WORLD
YES I AM MAD NO I DONT CARE NO I WILL NOT QUIT SO IF YOU DONT LIKE IT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO!
YES YOU CAN FUCK OFF!
IF YOU WANT RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES IT AINT IN THIS HERE BLOG!
I FUCKING HATE HAVING DID. ITS MISERABLE. I’M MISERABLE.
THE WORST PART IS I STARTED WORKING ON SHIT IN THERAPY. AND FUCK BUT ITS HARD. I KNOW THERAPY ISNT MEANT TO BE EASY SO BEFORE ANYONE SAYS SHIT TO ME ABOUT THERAPY NOT BEING EASY, DONT BOTHER.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN AND RAISE A LITTLE HELL.
IS THAT SO BAD?
IT FUCKING BETTER THAN FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, URGES, CUTTING, DRINKING, RIGHT?
OF COURSE IT IS!
MAYBE I SHOULD EMAIL EILEEN. WHINE TO HER. MAYBE I’LL BECOME A WHINY BITCH. I’M LISTENING TO THE SONG BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY BY RIHANNA AND I’M LOVING IT. ITS WAY BETTER MUSIC THAN THE PREPPY STUFF CAROL ANNE LISTENS TO. AH WELL I’M DONE, GOING TO GO SO POSTING THIS WHILE I STILL CAN.