I’m hurting. I dont want to feel. But I am feeling things whether I like it or not. And I dont like it one bit.
My skin is crawling. My stomach hurts. My heart is thumping and my chest aches. I’m trying to breath like Eileen tells me to do. But its not easy.
I have such a hard time with breathing deeply. Most times I hold my breath when I’m scared or when the flashbacks hit full force. I went to the basement club this morning. I’m there now. It isnt helping and usually it does. I feel so lost.
This pain is unbearable. Everything around me seems to be unreal. I dont feel real either. Dissociative maybe. Parts are close to the surface. I cant switch to any parts because of being in the basement club where there are other people who dont know about the did. Oh my god this is so intense. I just want to crash and crumble but I cant. I must smile act happy and pretend to be ok.
Its all about pretending. If anyones around I’d appreciate some support.
im hurting, scared, sad, upset, fearful, just a mess. its 2 AM. i’m triggered. we all are. we’re getting flashbacks, we feel terrible. we’re at our parents and everyone is in bed so we’re alone. if anyones out there we’d appreciate some support. just not feeling good and wish tomorrow would come. it seems less scary when its bright outside. when there are other people around. when its daytime.
hi its taylor and im six
im realy skard
its very dark ote side
i don lik de dark
i tried to pat nitro
so i wont feel skard
it work for litle bit
but now i jus feel skard agin
i was rembering stuf
i didnt like that
memores are hard
bad fings hapen to me in de dark
a long time ago
but somtims it feels like now
is anybudy up
to tok wif me
I recently bought the book switching time. Its a book about a woman who has dissociative identity disorder. Its written by her therapist that treated her.
I did not like the book at all. It was way too graphic for my liking. There was just way to much talk about abuse, on more than one occasion the abuse was talked about in a blow by blow account of what happened, with every detail described. I really think there is no need to put that much descriptive stuff about abuse into any book.
Karen, the woman in the book, went into therapy not knowing she had did. Unfortunately I did not finish the book so I cant tell you how it ended. I gave up after 10 chapters. Like I just said, too much graphic detail for my liking. I think though the therapist worked towards integration and eventually all of her alters were integrated.
Just make sure if you do decide to read the book, that your in a strong frame of mind. The book is available in paperback, on kindle, and on audible.
Yesterdays therapy session was intense. I felt like crap in the morning. I was going through some memories as this time of year brings up a lot of stuff. I remember going in the taxi but I only remember part of the ride there. Eileen said a little was triggered out and we started off the session with a little present. After talking to her for a few minutes, and getting to the bottom of what was wrong, Eileen was able to ask for me and I fell into the body. My head was pounding, my chest and abdomen hurt. The pain was unbelievable. Eileen had me put my hands on the effected areas and just breathe into the pain, which helped a lot. Then we started processing some memories. I talked to her about the anniversary of when I lost my baby when we were 14. That was hard going. I felt a 12 year old insider close by, the memories were partly hers too. Eileen worked with both of us and I talked to the 12 year old part, I held her hand, I said I was sorry this had happened to her. Eileen asked me to get her to step back so I could look at her which I did. Then afterwords I told Eileen I saw her as vulnerable, scared, small…needing protection but she didnt have any back then. It was so sad and I felt like crying. After working for another while on those memories, we worked with the pulsers and did some EMDR. We stayed with the memories of the loss of our baby and tried to process some of them. But I kept dissociating. Then I got really emotional and we had to stop the EMDR. Eileen asked me to tell her what it felt like, an image, and I said my emotions felt like a tornado. So then she held my hand and helped me to come up with a safe place to go, away from the tornado. I chose my safe place to be my partners basement in her house, my partner lives in America. So we did a little more EMDr of me going to that safe place. After that we did a little more work with parts. I was telling Eileen that my mood was going all over the place, up and then down, daily. We figured out between us that there are two opposing parts, an up part and a down part. Eileen helped me to separate out from the parts and then I was able to see that they could offer things to the whole system…like for example determination, and stability. Its hard to separate out and not be right there in the midst of it but eventually I was able to do that by reminding myself that its 2015, its april, and I am ok and safe. It was a tough session and now Eileen is on holiday for a week. Today I see Dr Barry though. I have a lot to discuss with her.