This weeks Dr Barry appointment was intense

I didnt go to college today. I am depressed. I’ve been having severe flashbacks. I couldnt face it. But I did see Dr Barry. I knew I had to go to see her to talk about all this. I went in there and sat down heavily and sighed.
Dr Barry: How are you today? How was your week?
Me: Oh dr barry, I feel awful. I’m depressed and suicidal.
She was shocked and concerned. Tell me about it? She said softly and gently. So I did.
I’ve been having awful flashbacks of the assault I suffered a year ago. For those who dont know or who arent aware, I was raped around last April. Basically, some people from my past, abusers, did it. So far no bodys been prosecuted. I told Dr Barry that I feel disgusting, and so worthless. I feel like I am just an object to be used and abused. And I almost cried but was able to hold the tears in. I told dr barry I’d emailed eileen last night. And before I’d left today to go to dr barry eileen had emailed me back and tried to reassure me. I was glad to get her email but I did not feel better even with her gentle and kind reassurances that I am not an object, that we can work through this, that she is here for me, and that I’ll be ok. I just felt flat, low, bla, like I was not able to cope.
Dr Barry listened, before softly telling me that its ok not to be ok. That I am way too hard on myself. That I put way too much pressure on myself to be a model patient. She said sometimes it takes time to deal with things, and its ok if I couldnt all along, I said I wasnt ready, and she reassured me that thats ok. Things only come out when we feel safe, and when we’re ready to share them. I then told her how I’d wanted to tell her months ago about my partner and talk about her illness and how I felt about that with her, but words failed me. I said how I knew she’d put so much into building a relationship with me, dr barry had, and how I felt that I was holding back and withholding information that was important. She said I should give myself a break, I should not try to be a model patient, that I’ve been doing great, but its ok to not do great too. I told her how my family are pressuring me to stay ok, and because they see me coping and being ok and having some good days, they then dont want me to have a bad day. She asked me if I told them that everyone has bad days, we cant all be ok all of the time. I said I had but they still dont seem to grasp it or get it. She said its their inability to understand the challenges I face and that I’ll probably never change them. I sighed and not for the first time wished I could have Dr Barry as my mom.
We talked about possibly adding a medication if the depression doesnt lift. She thought about the options and I was saying how most of the meds dont or havent worked for me. And then there is the added problem of remembering to take them. I was taking sertraline, but I have been off it for a while now. I was also taking lyrica but I no longer take that one either. I do take xeplion and in the end she said she’d increase that one. And she said I could get the next dose a week earlier than I was supposed to. So instead of taking 100 MG I’ll be taking 150 MG of that med starting next week. I hope it does something and is worth while. I was telling her how lately, the last two times I’ve gotten the injection, that I start out feeling good and then two weeks into the cycle I start to feel down, anxious, unstable. She said she hadnt heard anyone else say that but its possible.
She asked me if I wanted to sit down with her and talk about the police report that she was meant to do up after last years assault. I said some time I’d like to as we’ve not given the report to the police yet, and she hasnt fully written it, its just a draft and she wants to get my input as to what I want them to know about our did. So that needs to be done soon too.
Other than that she said Mark had texted her yesterday afternoon after the meeting we had in the morning, and told her it was really positive and I’d done really well advocating for myself and she was really pleased for me. I didnt know Mark was gonna do that. I thought he’d just leave a note in my file.
It was a good appointment though and I feel much better after it.

Book review-Girl alone by Cathy Glass

I just finished Cathy glass’s new book girl alone. It was an amazing and gripping read, as are all of Cathys books. This book told Joss’s story. Joss came to live with Cathy at age 13. 4 years previous her dad had committed suicide. Joss and her mother had come home and found his lifeless body hanging in their garage. Joss as you can imagine had not dealt with this and as a result was doing lots of unsafe things, such as drinking and smoking canibas. Her mother Linda has since remarried, and Joss did not get along with her stepfather Eric and there had been lots of arguments at home resulting in Joss being taken into care. In the beginning when Joss comes to Cathy she has attitude, and continues to act out and do unsafe things. Cathy regularly tries to talk to her to make her see sense but it does no good. A contract of behaviour is drawn up but it is very lax and Joss is allowed to stay out late which Cathy doesnt agree with. However her social worker is young and naive and tries to be Joss’s friend, rather than her social worker. Joss hangs around with older girls, and doesnt do her school work so is behind at school. Then the school inform Cathy that Joss is being collected in a car by two older men. We come to find out the men are Zack, her friend Chelseas uncle, and Carl his friend. Joss lies to Cathy a lot and Cathy begins to wonder if she’ll ever be able to get through to her. Then an incident happens where Cathy goes to Chelseas flat and finds a party going on, lots of young teens smoking and drinking and when she goes upstairs to find Joss she finds her with Chelsea and Chelseas father in the bedroom. After Cathy takes Joss home and tries to talk to her but Joss becomes hostile and tells Cathy she is ruining her life. A week later Joss goes out for an evening and comes home and discloses to Cathy that Zack has raped her. A police investigation ensues. Then Joss makes more disclosures, this time about Eric her moms husband and her stepfather. She tells Cathy that Eric has sexually abused her. At first her mom doesnt believe Joss and sides with Eric. Eventually Joss’s social worker goes to visit her mom and brother Kevin and Kevin is interviewed and he also discloses abuse by ERic. So the social workers say that Kevin has to come in to foster care. However before he does Linda their mother runs away with him and ends up at her parents house. She is distraught and very upset. She tells her parents that she’s left Eric because she realises now that he did abuse her kids, something Kevin told her led her to finally believe him and Joss. Linda becomes very depressed and Joss and Cathy are afraid she is going to kill herself too like her husband. Joss’s grandparents fight for kevin and Joss to live with them permanently and Kevin does, but Joss stays with Cathy and sees her family at weekends. After a couple months of this arrangement her grandparents threaten social services with court action if they dont make a decision so it is decided that Joss and Kevin can live with their grandparents full time. Joss, Kevin and their mom live with their grandparents for another year after Joss eventually moves back to live there. Eventually after a year linda is deamed well enough to parent her children again. The book was shocking in so many places. Its heartbreaking in other parts, it is deeply moving and a testiment to the resilience and determination of children who have survived awful tragedies. After disclosing the abuse joss’s behaviour drastically improves, she’s like a totally different child. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in fostering, social work, or any abuse survivor. You wont be able to put it down.

Book review-The girl in the mirror

So I just finished another great book by Cathy Glass. Its called the girl in the mirror. This is a novel, not a foster care memoir. It was interesting to read a novel of Cathys. I must say I didn’t find the novel as good as all of her foster care memoirs, but I did like it and I would still recommend it. The book went a little bit more slowly though and I did not find it to be a page turner.

The book is about Mandy, a 20 something who is an artist. She’s taken a career break for a year to paint more, but she seems to be having trouble painting anything. At the beginning of the book her grandpa falls ill, and her father asks her if she wants to go visit him. She goes, and ends up staying to nurse him. He’s staying with her aunt and uncle, whom she used to visit as a child regularly, but 10 years ago her parents stopped her from visiting and she doesn’t remember why. When she arrives at the house she starts having flashbacks, weird thoughts, images, etc. She cant figure out why she’s having the memories. A lot of the book focuses on her sick grandpa, and towards the end he dies, but the majority of the chapters focus on him, his illness, and on the care he is receiving from the family. In the end Mandy does remember, and when she does, she remembers vividly. She remembers being almost raped, and she thinks its her uncle that raped her. But it wasn’t, it was his brother. Before she remembers, she asks her gran, and the local shopkeeper to tell her why it is her parents and aunt and uncle stopped talking, and why it was her visits to them stopped when she was 13. But they keep telling her she’ll have to ask her father. After she remembers, she becomes very depressed, and after that, she decides to confront her uncles brother, her abuser. She searches him out, and then goes to visit him. But it turns out he’s dead. It turns out he abused not only her but his own daughter, and another friend of his daughters too. Mandy is really upset to find this out. In the end of the book she moves in with her boyfriend, whose name is Adam, and tells him of what happened to her as a child. All through the story she has mixed up feelings about touch, about adam, and she keeps giving him the cold shoulder. But he stays with her and when she tells him he’s shocked and saddened.

I did like the book despite the slowness of it. It didn’t build until near the middle of the story. But I still think it was good, I’d still recommend it to people. I do think though that Cathy is best writing memoirs and not as good at writing novels.

Weekend rambles

So the weekend was pretty good. I had a relaxing one. The one thing I did do was go to my cousins 18th birthday party yesterday. It was a meal for some of the family, and then we had drinks too after the meal. We had a great day and I really enjoyed myself. It was nice after a busy week to just be able to relax. I also caught up on sleep on Saturday night. I went to bed really early and was reading my book, fell asleep in the middle of a chapter, and slept for 13 hours straight! No kidding. Speaking of books, I’ve finished the girl in the mirror by Cathy glass. I’ll do a review later today. It was a pretty good book I thought. Tonight I’m going to start girl alone, her new book that just came out last week. I stayed at mom and dads on both Saturday and last night. I always stay on Saturday night but I just decided that it would be better if I stayed last night too since we were going to that party. I am happy the weekend was relaxing, it sets me up for a good week ahead.

Connection with dr Barry

We did not end up seeing Dr Barry yesterday. Now I feel guilty.
Some of the younger parts really needed to see her, and because It was wet and yucky outside, I canceled. If I am honest it makes me feel bad too that I canceled.
I love when Dr Barry sits close to us, gives us her great advice, hears us and what we have to say, listens so intently, I love the fact that for an hour she is totally present to us and our needs.
I miss her when I dont see her. I miss the connection.
Dr Barry, if you read this, I want you to know, I missed you yesterday, and I needed you, but my feelings got in the way.
I should have taken us to your office, I should have gone even though the weather was bad.
You weer probably worried when we didnt show up. I did ring your secretary, but I wished I could have spoken to you directly instead of her. I wanted to tell you how much we crave that connection with you, and your kindness, your touch, the way you put your arm on ours when your linking us to guide us in to your office, the smell of your perfume, the kindness in your voice as you pat Nitro, now we’ll have to wait until Monday to have all that again.
Monday, a few short days away, make the time go quickly universe.
Love, us