LIZ MY THERAPY SESSION TODAY

WELL DESPITE MY ANXIETY THIS MORNING WE WENT TO THERAPY. AND I HAD MOST OF OUR SESSION. FIRST OF ALL CAROL ANNE TALKED TO EILEEN AND TOLD HER I WAS FEELING ANXIOUS. AND EILEEN ASKED WHAT I WANTED TO DO, WHETHER I WANTED TO LET CAROL ANNE SPEAK FOR ME OR COME OUT MYSELF TO TALK TO HER. WELL I DONT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE SPEAKING ON MY BEHALF, SO I DECIDED TO COME FORWARD AND TELL HER WHAT WAS ABOTHERING ME. IT ALL STARTED LAST WEEK, AFTER OUR APT WITH DR BARRY. SOMETIMES THE APTS REALLY TRIGGER ME BECAUSE WE TALK ABOUT REAL INTENSE THINGS IN THEM. IT WAS NOT SO MUCH THAT THE APPOINTMENT WAS INTENSE, BUT MORE ABOUT THAT DR BARRY WAS SAYING LOTS OF GOOD THINGS ABOUT US, AND THAT IN TURN WAS TRIGGERING MESSAGES FROM OUR PAST…MESSAGES LIKE YOUR A FAILURE, WORTHLESS, NO GOOD, ETC. LOTS OF PEOPLE INCLUDING OUR ABUSERS AND OTHER PEOPLE WE’VE KNOWN HAVE SAID THINGS LIKE THAT TO US, SO THAT NOW WHEN ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING TO CONTRADICT THOSE MESSAGES IT IMMEDIATELY TRIGGERS US. EILEEN SAID IT WAS A PART OF ME THAT WAS TRIGGERED, AND WE WORKED WITH THAT PART FOR A WHILE. I WAS HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH BEING ABLE TO SAY THE WORDS. EVENTUALLY I MANAGED TO TELL HER THAT I’M SO AFRAID WE’LL FAIL, IT WONT WORK OUT, AND THEN WE’LL LET PEOPLE DOWN. I DONT WANT TO DO THAT. I ESPECIALLY DONT WANT TO LET DR BARRY DOWN OR OUR MOM. EILEEN ASKED IF I REALISE THE TRIGGERED PART IS A PART OF ME. I SORTA DO BUT ITS SO HARD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AND ACCEPT THAT ACTUALLY ITS A PART OF ME. WE ENDED UP WORKING ON BREATHING FOR A WHILE AND I WAS HOLDING MY BREATHE, EILEEN HAD TO REMIND ME TO BREATHE ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. THEN I GOT THE JITTERS, BECAUSE MY ANXIETY WAS SO HEIGHTENED. I TRIED TO PUT WORDS TO WHY I WAS SO JITTERY BUT I COULDNT. SO WE LEFT IT AND SAID WE’D COME BACK TO IT ANOTHER TIME. IT WAS QUITE AN INTENSE SESSION BUT I AM GLAD I GOT TO HAVE THE TIME BECAUSE I NEEDED IT THIS WEEK.
LIZ

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