So recently I decided not to post here about certain things, mainly my therapy process and my psychiatrist appointments. Well, some people contacted me saying that they really enjoyed these posts and wondered if I’d change my mind on that. So…I thought long and hard about what I should do. And I decided in the end that maybe I’d just keep doing what I was doing, and updating about these topics. After all, my blog is about mental illness, and living with that and healing from it. My Dr Barry appointments and therapy appointments are part of that. If people relate to them and like hearing about them I guess I’ll keep writing about them.
Therapy this week was intense. I did not have much time in the session as someone else inside needed the time so I let them have it. For now that particular insider doesnt want to say her name. She feels uncomfortable with people knowing she is so fragile and I need to respect that. When she’s ready I’m sure she will let us know. She’s not a child part though, she’s an adult. Basically the gist of the session was talking about big feelings, and trying to sit with those feelings. Eileen likened it to a bycycle, she told this insider that a wheel of a bike has a hub, which is the inner part, and a rim which is the outter part. She told her to sit in the hub, and watch things from there, to not go to the outter rim just yet. Then she had the insider describe how she felt from that vantage point. I think that was helpful. We had asked her if we could record the session too but she wasnt sure, saying she didnt know how she felt about that. So we didnt record it. When the insider was done I came out and talked a little to eileen about college, and about advocating for myself and for what I need. I used the word fight a lot, saying how I felt like I had to fight for every little thing. Eileen asked me if there was another word I could use, because fighting makes it sound like I’m in constant conflict. So in the end I used the word advocate. The session went by way too quickly. But eileen said we’d done great work and she felt a lot had been covered.
WELL DESPITE MY ANXIETY THIS MORNING WE WENT TO THERAPY. AND I HAD MOST OF OUR SESSION. FIRST OF ALL CAROL ANNE TALKED TO EILEEN AND TOLD HER I WAS FEELING ANXIOUS. AND EILEEN ASKED WHAT I WANTED TO DO, WHETHER I WANTED TO LET CAROL ANNE SPEAK FOR ME OR COME OUT MYSELF TO TALK TO HER. WELL I DONT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE SPEAKING ON MY BEHALF, SO I DECIDED TO COME FORWARD AND TELL HER WHAT WAS ABOTHERING ME. IT ALL STARTED LAST WEEK, AFTER OUR APT WITH DR BARRY. SOMETIMES THE APTS REALLY TRIGGER ME BECAUSE WE TALK ABOUT REAL INTENSE THINGS IN THEM. IT WAS NOT SO MUCH THAT THE APPOINTMENT WAS INTENSE, BUT MORE ABOUT THAT DR BARRY WAS SAYING LOTS OF GOOD THINGS ABOUT US, AND THAT IN TURN WAS TRIGGERING MESSAGES FROM OUR PAST…MESSAGES LIKE YOUR A FAILURE, WORTHLESS, NO GOOD, ETC. LOTS OF PEOPLE INCLUDING OUR ABUSERS AND OTHER PEOPLE WE’VE KNOWN HAVE SAID THINGS LIKE THAT TO US, SO THAT NOW WHEN ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING TO CONTRADICT THOSE MESSAGES IT IMMEDIATELY TRIGGERS US. EILEEN SAID IT WAS A PART OF ME THAT WAS TRIGGERED, AND WE WORKED WITH THAT PART FOR A WHILE. I WAS HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH BEING ABLE TO SAY THE WORDS. EVENTUALLY I MANAGED TO TELL HER THAT I’M SO AFRAID WE’LL FAIL, IT WONT WORK OUT, AND THEN WE’LL LET PEOPLE DOWN. I DONT WANT TO DO THAT. I ESPECIALLY DONT WANT TO LET DR BARRY DOWN OR OUR MOM. EILEEN ASKED IF I REALISE THE TRIGGERED PART IS A PART OF ME. I SORTA DO BUT ITS SO HARD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AND ACCEPT THAT ACTUALLY ITS A PART OF ME. WE ENDED UP WORKING ON BREATHING FOR A WHILE AND I WAS HOLDING MY BREATHE, EILEEN HAD TO REMIND ME TO BREATHE ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. THEN I GOT THE JITTERS, BECAUSE MY ANXIETY WAS SO HEIGHTENED. I TRIED TO PUT WORDS TO WHY I WAS SO JITTERY BUT I COULDNT. SO WE LEFT IT AND SAID WE’D COME BACK TO IT ANOTHER TIME. IT WAS QUITE AN INTENSE SESSION BUT I AM GLAD I GOT TO HAVE THE TIME BECAUSE I NEEDED IT THIS WEEK.
Yesterday in therapy we did a lot to work with some parts insiders. After I welcomed Eileen home, I told her how last week things were really tough for us, and how on wednesday I was very distressed, having heard both that my account with the taxi firm was to be canceled, that is, for my medical appointments, and also having heard that the school may not fund me for part transportation grant. I told her how it had really overwhelmed me and stressed me out, that I had cried a lot, gotten really anxious, emotional, almost to the point where I was physically ill. She wondered how that had happened, saying that usually I am so resourceful, and she was wondering how my coping skills hadnt kicked in, and how I’d become swamped, overwhelmed to the point that my stress levels got up to a 10 and I couldnt bring them back down. So we worked with it for a while. Well, it turns out there are parts, insiders, we call our insiders parts, anyway, there are parts who are really panicking about us starting college. Basically these parts are afraid it will all go wrong, and we’ll end up disappointed and hurt in the process. So they feel it would be better if we didnt go at all. Eileen and me figured out that they are helping or trying to help by trying to pre-empt what will happen. They think its their job to do this. Eileen told me to step back and try to show them that we are safe, and that I can deal with whatever pops up, there were also some younger insiders who were panicking about starting, in case we’d have a system collapse, or something else would happen to make me go inside and leave them to cope alone. I had to work really hard to reassure them that actually we are in a much better place now than we were the other times we tried to pursue education or training and that I would do my best to never leave a young insider to cope alone. I told them that if things got tough I’d either talk to Dr Barry or Eileen about it before things got to an unmanageable point. They seemed satisfied with this and eventually they calmed down. We focused a little bit on breathing but I wasnt really able to do the breathing properly. Eileen said she could really notice how difficult it was for me to breathe deeply and focus on the breaths going in and out. So instead she had me focus on a part of my body that felt strong at that moment. I was successfully able to do that. It was a really good session. It felt really good to do the work with the triggered parts. Like we got a lot accomplished. They are really starting to trust me and hear me which is key I think. Since I am the front runner, main front person and current host it is important that I show leadership and show the younger parts that we will be ok. Eileen did read to us but I will let allie talk about that in another post since she was the one out for the story with all the other young insiders crowding around behind her to listen too.
I miss Eileen. She’ll be home in a week. It seems so long. I emailed her to tell her I missed her. Not sure if she’ll see it but she might. She said she’d occasionally check her email. Its easier when I am busy, my mind has less time to become preoccupied with throughts and worries. I had a fun weekend and was busy so kept myself distracted but now its over and its back to normality and I am filled with what ifs and worries again about stuff. I dont know what to do with myself. My mind just races and its hard to shut it off. I really just cant wait to get back to my regular therapy sessions again.