Tonight I got really triggered. This guy came to my door, and I opened it not thinking. He said he was selling make up. I’m not sure if he was, he did try to show me eye shadows and stuff but I got very dissociated and fearful and could not take in what he was saying, I couldnt concentrate or think clearly, my head was foggy and fuzzy and I was freaking out I just wanted him gone! Eventually I managed to say that I am not interested and could he please leave, and he did. I’m still not the better of it. My anxietys through the roof. The good thing is I have CCTV on my house both front and back so he’s on camera and so if he comes back again I will have evidence! I know people go around houses selling things all the time but I dont trust that he was actually selling something. I wish I was not on edge so much! It really sucks to be constantly hypervigilent and overly anxious and on edge and I would like a break.
I miss Eileen. She’ll be home in a week. It seems so long. I emailed her to tell her I missed her. Not sure if she’ll see it but she might. She said she’d occasionally check her email. Its easier when I am busy, my mind has less time to become preoccupied with throughts and worries. I had a fun weekend and was busy so kept myself distracted but now its over and its back to normality and I am filled with what ifs and worries again about stuff. I dont know what to do with myself. My mind just races and its hard to shut it off. I really just cant wait to get back to my regular therapy sessions again.
Had therapy this afternoon with Eileen. Its unusual for us to have it on Friday as usually our day is Monday. It was our last session before Eileen goes on holidays. It was a tough session but also a very productive one. We talked about her going away. I told her I felt sad and didnt want her to go. I feel like she’s abandoning me. When I’m having a hard night, all my insecurities come flooding back about her maybe possibly not seeing me any more, her thinking i’m too much and she made a mistake in starting to work with us, that we’re too broken and she’s wasting her time working with us and trying to help us. Its awful. She wondered when I told her this if I was remembering a previous time when I felt abandoned by someone, or a time when someone decided that they couldnt work with us any longer. Of course there has been plenty of those times where people, professionals said we were untreatable and that they could no longer see us. Eileen said it was totally about them, not us. She said that the fact that they couldnt continue to see us was a reflection on them and their competence and not on us in any way. I told her it doesnt feel like that though when I am thinking about it, that I feel its all our fault, that we must be doing something to cause it. She said no, we arent. That perhaps the professionals involved werent able to work with us because they lacked training, did not have good self care in place, etc. She said the fact that she’s taking this break means that she will then be able to return and be fully available to us again, fully there for us in every way. Allie came out then and talked to her a little bit about her going away and then she was very brave and asked eileen if she’d read to us when she comes back. We recently got a present of a lovely picture book all about feelings from our friend Sarah. Eileen said yes that she’d love to read a story to the kids, and not only that, but she’d charge up her digital recorder and we could record her reading it to us. So then we’d have it for when we’re scared, sad etc. The kids were ecstatic with that idea. Now eileen is even cooler than she was before. When allie was finishing up she timidly asked if she could have a hug and eileen hugged her. It really helped allie and she shyly asked eileen where she was going on holidays. She’s going to portugal. After allie had finished talking to her I started talking to her about memories I was having about dublin and about when I started school. I was five when we went to bording school. I was remembering going there with my parents and them staying for the day and then having to leave. I remember playing on a bike in the playroom and my mom pushing me on it. I remember meeting another girl Pam who went on to become my best friend. But today in therapy I was remembering the first night of being in dublin, and bedtime, when me and Pam were crying, and some older girls were comforting us instead of the staff doing it. Eileen said I was blending with a younger part who was feeling the loss of our parents, as they’d had to leave to go home, and she said we were remembering that time, the being totally dependent on others, not being in charge of our own life, etc. She reminded us that we’re an adult now, its ok to remember, we’re safe, and its now 30 years later and we survived. We did some EM~DR and worked for a while with the memories. All the time I was blended with the younger part. It was hard, intense, but I did it and tried to help her by letting her know she wasnt alone, and that I was here now. Eileen said that we’d work with this part more when she returned from her holidays. To ground me and help me to feel in control again she talked to me about my OT appointment, about Karen and my recent conversation with her about applying for extra hours, and about what I was going to do while she was away. She said the main thing is we have a plan, and we have a good support network in place to manage while she is gone. I’m glad we do and I think we’ll be ok. I’ll miss her of course but I think I can manage, and she’ll be back soon enough and i’m hoping the weeks will fly by.
i woke at 5 AM. i tossed and turned for a couple minutes then I was like fuck it and I got up. I ate an apple and drank some water and then read facebook for a while. I hate it when I am awake in the middle of the night. I only went to bed at midnight so I dont know why I woke up as I was tired. After reading fb I came and made some coffee and started checking email. Its only 6 30 now. The morning is gonna drag now that I am up, I just know it. I dont have a lot of things planned for today. I’m debating whether I’ll go to the basement club or not. Part of me wants to go but part of me doesnt want to deal with people. I’m also quite anxious this morning. I know drinking coffee wont help my anxiety but I am not sure what else to do. Eileens vacation is getting closer and we’re finding that tough. The littles are panicking and lexi just wrote her an email. On a positive note though my weight loss is coming along nicely. I had a treat on Saturday of a smoothie and then on Saturday night my uncle brought some take out food in with him when he came from the pub and I ate a little piece of breaded fish. It was only a small bit so I am not worried that it did any damage. Other than that I havent had anything bad and I’m drinking lots of sparkling water this week.
So I saw Dr Barry yesterday. And it went really well. I managed to tell her about insiders being overwhelmed after our appointments. And she listened, and was really receptive and wasnt offended or angry or anything. She said she knew something wasnt right when I didnt show up last week. She just wasnt sure what was up but she had a feeling I’d bring it to her when I was ready. I told her that lately after a few of our appointments we were not able to manage the emotions well, and we got suicidal urges, felt the suicidal feelings, and were comtemplating killing ourselves. I also told her how triggered we felt after our appointments, how certain insiders were activated after discussing the abuse issues. She said she was sorry, and that she probably should check in with us more. She asked me to let her know if we were talking about something and I wasnt ready to go there yet. She said we could stop right away and if I felt like it we could revisit the particular thing again at a later stage or in another session. I agreed that I could let her know. And she agreed to do more check ins about how we were going to cope after our appointments, in the days after it. Eileen had called her but they hadnt talked as Dr Barry missed her call. But she was going to call her back. I felt happy that I managed to discuss my issues even before Eileen had talked to her. Dr Barry said I was very brave to have come to her with all this stuff. She said the work I’ve been doing with Eileen over the past year is so important, and she sees huge improvements in us. And that Eileen is the trauma specialist, not her. And she sees Eileen as my main therapist, that the appointments with her are just for support. But my main work is with Eileen. I was glad she clarified as sometimes it feels like I have two therapists.