Locked in silence
With memories so violent
My mind is buzzing
My head feels fuzzy
Into a dissociative trans
Off I start to dance
Panick and worry
My thoughts are in a flurry
So hard to think
I feel like I’m on the brink
feeling so alone. triggered. emotional. my head is spinning, literally. Want to cry but cant. Hate this so much. Just feel so much emotion, ug.
Had therapy this afternoon with Eileen. Its unusual for us to have it on Friday as usually our day is Monday. It was our last session before Eileen goes on holidays. It was a tough session but also a very productive one. We talked about her going away. I told her I felt sad and didnt want her to go. I feel like she’s abandoning me. When I’m having a hard night, all my insecurities come flooding back about her maybe possibly not seeing me any more, her thinking i’m too much and she made a mistake in starting to work with us, that we’re too broken and she’s wasting her time working with us and trying to help us. Its awful. She wondered when I told her this if I was remembering a previous time when I felt abandoned by someone, or a time when someone decided that they couldnt work with us any longer. Of course there has been plenty of those times where people, professionals said we were untreatable and that they could no longer see us. Eileen said it was totally about them, not us. She said that the fact that they couldnt continue to see us was a reflection on them and their competence and not on us in any way. I told her it doesnt feel like that though when I am thinking about it, that I feel its all our fault, that we must be doing something to cause it. She said no, we arent. That perhaps the professionals involved werent able to work with us because they lacked training, did not have good self care in place, etc. She said the fact that she’s taking this break means that she will then be able to return and be fully available to us again, fully there for us in every way. Allie came out then and talked to her a little bit about her going away and then she was very brave and asked eileen if she’d read to us when she comes back. We recently got a present of a lovely picture book all about feelings from our friend Sarah. Eileen said yes that she’d love to read a story to the kids, and not only that, but she’d charge up her digital recorder and we could record her reading it to us. So then we’d have it for when we’re scared, sad etc. The kids were ecstatic with that idea. Now eileen is even cooler than she was before. When allie was finishing up she timidly asked if she could have a hug and eileen hugged her. It really helped allie and she shyly asked eileen where she was going on holidays. She’s going to portugal. After allie had finished talking to her I started talking to her about memories I was having about dublin and about when I started school. I was five when we went to bording school. I was remembering going there with my parents and them staying for the day and then having to leave. I remember playing on a bike in the playroom and my mom pushing me on it. I remember meeting another girl Pam who went on to become my best friend. But today in therapy I was remembering the first night of being in dublin, and bedtime, when me and Pam were crying, and some older girls were comforting us instead of the staff doing it. Eileen said I was blending with a younger part who was feeling the loss of our parents, as they’d had to leave to go home, and she said we were remembering that time, the being totally dependent on others, not being in charge of our own life, etc. She reminded us that we’re an adult now, its ok to remember, we’re safe, and its now 30 years later and we survived. We did some EM~DR and worked for a while with the memories. All the time I was blended with the younger part. It was hard, intense, but I did it and tried to help her by letting her know she wasnt alone, and that I was here now. Eileen said that we’d work with this part more when she returned from her holidays. To ground me and help me to feel in control again she talked to me about my OT appointment, about Karen and my recent conversation with her about applying for extra hours, and about what I was going to do while she was away. She said the main thing is we have a plan, and we have a good support network in place to manage while she is gone. I’m glad we do and I think we’ll be ok. I’ll miss her of course but I think I can manage, and she’ll be back soon enough and i’m hoping the weeks will fly by.
I’m hurting. I dont want to feel. But I am feeling things whether I like it or not. And I dont like it one bit.
My skin is crawling. My stomach hurts. My heart is thumping and my chest aches. I’m trying to breath like Eileen tells me to do. But its not easy.
I have such a hard time with breathing deeply. Most times I hold my breath when I’m scared or when the flashbacks hit full force. I went to the basement club this morning. I’m there now. It isnt helping and usually it does. I feel so lost.
This pain is unbearable. Everything around me seems to be unreal. I dont feel real either. Dissociative maybe. Parts are close to the surface. I cant switch to any parts because of being in the basement club where there are other people who dont know about the did. Oh my god this is so intense. I just want to crash and crumble but I cant. I must smile act happy and pretend to be ok.
Its all about pretending. If anyones around I’d appreciate some support.
Therapy today was good but tough. We focused on stuff that was hard for me to talk about. We mainly talked about how sometimes when certain insiders talk to our psychiatrist Dr Barry, we end up becoming triggered, overwhelmed, or their stuff ends up getting more intense, like memories and such, and they become activated. This happened recently with a certain insider who I wont name because she wants to remain unnamed. Dr Barry mentioned two sessions ago about cult related stuff and about us going to dublin and she wondered if we’d be ok, this in turn activated a certain insider here to think about the past, about her abuse, and start remembering things. That insider talked in therapy last week, but she has been suicidal since and just doesnt want to go on with life. She even emailed eileen last week and told her that if she had our pills handy she’d take them all. This isnt good. Luckily she didnt do anything but the fact that she was suicidal and wanted to do something is just not ok. So I was wondering what I should do. We were very conflicted because dr barry needs to know stuff, she needs to know what is going on for us each week, eileen said however that its about safe trauma treatment, doing things in a contained, manageable safe way. So as not to overwhelm us. So that we can regulate our emotions and emotional state and be safe while doing that. Eileen is going to contact dr barry and talk to her. Tell her about certain insiders becoming activated. She was going to ring her anyway because she wanted to talk to her about holiday times, Eileen told us today that she’d be away for the second two weeks of August. Im not sure when Dr Barry will be taking holidays. Hopefully it wont be at the same time as Eileen. There was some panic today when eileen told us she’d be away. We got very dissociated and floaty and spaced out and just could not stay focused or grounded and she kept having to bring us back into the room and stuff. She said she was going to work with me on helping the younger insiders to cope and be ok. She kept reassuring us that it was two months away and there was lots of time and we’d talk some more about it to prepare as much as we could beforehand. I hope Dr Barry wont be upset that Eileen rang her. I think she wont but you can never know what might bother her or offend her. I dont want either of them eileen or Dr Barry to get angry or be upset. I know they are both trying their hardest to help us and we need their help and we appreciate both of them. We’ve invested a lot in the relationships and we dont want to make waves. I told Eileen that today too. She said there is something too about being able to talk about things and work things out without becoming annoyed or angry or overly upset. I hope thats the truth and we’ll be ok and things will get worked out.