My appointment with Dr Barry yesterday was intense. Firstly, at the last minute we switched times. I had to get my monthly injection yesterday as well as seeing Dr Barry so that meant I would have had to go to the hospital twice in one day. Well when I rang the clinic nurse to tell her that I wouldnt be able to do that she said if I came in the morning that Dr Barry would see me because it was quiet and she was free so thats what I did. When Dr Barry called me in and came to get me she seemed concerned. When I got in to her office she said I am very worried, the fact that you arent in college isnt a good sign, you must have had a terrible week. I kinda laughed then and said to her, Dr Barry, dont worry, I’ve been off for 3 days. After that she calmed down and we talked. I told her that I’d had a pretty intense week, the dissociation was still pretty bad, my emotions were all over the place, and my anxiety was still pretty intensive. We talked about therapy and I told her that last week I felt we did not get much work done because we couldnt get our shit together to talk to eileen. The words werent coming. I told her how Eileen had said the process of recovery wasnt linear, and for us to not worry, things will happen when the time is right. I told her I am just impatient and want things to happen faster than they are. Dr Barry said that Eileen is right. She then said she had to ask me a question. She said last week during our appointment, she felt that it was implied by me that I thought she was disappointed with me and my progress and that the fact that one of our meds had to be increased meant that I felt she was disappointed in us. So she asked me if that was true. I said that yes, I felt like I was disappointing her. She said no that wasnt true that I am not. That she doesnt see increasing the med as a set back. That everyone has ups and downs in their recovery, everyone has challenges to face, and with the did I have a lot to cope with. She said that I am still doing great, and even if I wasnt, she would never be disappointed in me. I thanked her for her honesty. We talked about college and I told her about the meeting last Friday. She said I made the right decision in staying and sticking it out and she couldnt believe the manager had given me the option of leaving and coming back in 3 months. She said he possibly got overwhelmed and couldnt cope and that is why he did that. I dont know but I am happy with my decision to stick it out and stay. We talked a little about her upcoming holidays in 3 weeks time. She went to see if Zuliana who is her junior doctor was free, so that we could make introductions and stuff but she had just taken a patient in and so we’ll have to wait until next week to meet. Well, we already know one another but Zuliana doesnt know the ins and outs of our case, and Dr Barry wanted to make her aware of a few things before we meet in 3 weeks. It was a good appointment though overall.
Day 8: Share a scar
Although not a physical scar, my many overdoses have left a lot of emotional scars. So much so that now taking tablets is a big issue for me. When I have to take even just a tablet for a headache, I physically feel like Im going to throw up. All the times I swallowed handfuls of pills, its just a reminder that I did that which I would rather not have to think about.
we saw dr barry yesterday. it was a really good and productive appointment.
we started off by talking about therapy and about liz and her therapy session that she had on Monday. Dr barry was really interested in how that had gone for Liz. she didnt speak directly to liz, Liz wasnt in the mood for talking so I did the talking instead.
I explained about Liz wanting to commit suicide and coming really close to doing so on Sunday night. Dr Barry was wondering what had made Liz so suicidal, I said it was a combo of things, both dealing with painful emotions and also dealing with memories and having had a lot of flashbacks lately.
Somehow then the conversation turned to our childhood. We ended up talking about the disfunction in our family, our dads alcoholism, and we also spoke about the did, Dr Barry was wondering how far back it was that I remembered us dissociating. She was surprised that I remembered being 3 and talking to the others, when everyone else thought I had imaginary friends. But I clearly remember the others being there, and having conversations with them. I obviously did not know then that it was did.
We talked about our grammas suicide, she killed herself when we were five years old. I talked to Dr Barry about some memories I had surrounding that and her death.
We also talked about our mom now, how most of the time she isnt accepting of the did, and she doesnt acknowledge insiders, but occasionally she does something that shows me she really is quite aware of the fact that there is more than one of us in this body. For example a few years ago when I was hospitalised, I remember asking her to bring some stuffed animals and dolls, and she did it without questioning me about it. And another time she brought some books kids books without asking why I needed them. Its things like that that let me know she kinda gets it sometimes. She just isnt capable of fully understanding the magnitude of the situation.
Dr Barry said she’d introduce me to Zuliana, the junior doctor, and I could use her as a fall back for when Dr Barry is out of the office, as she’s going to be there for six months. I kinda know her already, as she admitted me to hospital a few times, she’s quite friendly, bubbly and quite nice so I dont mind using her if I have too.
We also discussed my sleep and I told Dr Barry I didnt want any meds, she said she’s glad I’m not looking for meds, because they are dangerous for me with our history of overdosing on them, but that if things got real bad then we could look at it again, and she would give them to me if I really wanted them and felt I needed them but right now it would be better if I didnt use them and she was hopeful I could gage if my sleep was off and that I could use my skills I learned to help me when I am tired, and she also said that when I start college in september that she’s hopeful things will settle down. I hope so.
Yesterday when I saw Dr Barry I talked to her about my meds. My dissociation makes it hard for me to remember to take my meds, I more often than not forget about them, dont take them properly, etc. So I was saying this to dr Barry. And she said to me…do you think you’d like to come off more of your meds over the summer? That floored me. I was like oh yes I would, really I would. The meds make me gain weight, and I’d prefer not to take them. Right now I take sertraline, lyrica, and xeplion and depokate. She said we could decrease the lyrica, sertraline and depokate with a view to coming completely off of them by the end of the summer. We decided I should probably stay on the xeplion because that keeps us stable and it is like an ankor for us. I dont mind staying on that one as its just a once a month injection and I never miss it. Its the tablets that I have trouble with. So I am very happy. Dr Barry said that once we stay on the xeplion, and attend our weekly appointments with her and with Eileen, that she thinks we’ll do ok. That was so nice to hear. That she believes in us. And the fact that she actually wanted us to come off of the meds, was awesome. Usually psychiatrists are so pushy about meds, they hardly ever want you to come off of them. I’m glad we have a psychiatrist who believes that meds arent the be all and end all in recovery.
So for my psych meds, I take sertraline and xeplion. I know it doesnt seem like much. And it isnt. But I hate the sertraline. I hate that I need so much of it in order to function like a normal human being. I’m on 100 MG of that per day. Then there is the xeplion, which I take on a monthly basis, as it is an injection. I take 100 MG of that med too. I really dont like antipsychotics or being on one, but I have to admit it does help my psychotic symptoms and agitation. It is probably the only antipsychotic that I havent had serious side effects from. In fact I dont get any side effects. Well ok, I probably have weight gain from it, but I dont get shaking, slurred speech, muscular discomfort, drooling, etc. Which I am delighted about. The trade off of being pretty functional when I take it is a good trade in my opinion. Does anyone else hate their meds, or the fact they have to take meds in order to function properly every day?