So recently I decided not to post here about certain things, mainly my therapy process and my psychiatrist appointments. Well, some people contacted me saying that they really enjoyed these posts and wondered if I’d change my mind on that. So…I thought long and hard about what I should do. And I decided in the end that maybe I’d just keep doing what I was doing, and updating about these topics. After all, my blog is about mental illness, and living with that and healing from it. My Dr Barry appointments and therapy appointments are part of that. If people relate to them and like hearing about them I guess I’ll keep writing about them.
Therapy this week was intense. I did not have much time in the session as someone else inside needed the time so I let them have it. For now that particular insider doesnt want to say her name. She feels uncomfortable with people knowing she is so fragile and I need to respect that. When she’s ready I’m sure she will let us know. She’s not a child part though, she’s an adult. Basically the gist of the session was talking about big feelings, and trying to sit with those feelings. Eileen likened it to a bycycle, she told this insider that a wheel of a bike has a hub, which is the inner part, and a rim which is the outter part. She told her to sit in the hub, and watch things from there, to not go to the outter rim just yet. Then she had the insider describe how she felt from that vantage point. I think that was helpful. We had asked her if we could record the session too but she wasnt sure, saying she didnt know how she felt about that. So we didnt record it. When the insider was done I came out and talked a little to eileen about college, and about advocating for myself and for what I need. I used the word fight a lot, saying how I felt like I had to fight for every little thing. Eileen asked me if there was another word I could use, because fighting makes it sound like I’m in constant conflict. So in the end I used the word advocate. The session went by way too quickly. But eileen said we’d done great work and she felt a lot had been covered.
A quick heads up. I will not be putting my updates about my therapy or my Dr Barry appointments on my blog, or on any email lists in the future. I have decided to still write, but to keep those updates private, and to a handful of chosen friends only. So, if you’d like to still be part of my updates list, and recieve my updates about my dr barry appointments and my therapy sessions, please send me a note here, or to my personal email address, which is in the contact section on the homepage of this blog. A comment here with an email address where you’d like the updates to go will do too. I hope to see some of you. thanks.
We saw Dr Barry yesterday. We had a really long appointment, it was an hour and a half. Its usually an hour long. There was so much to discuss though. We talked about therapy and I told her that I didnt go last monday, due to my PTSD symptoms being really intense. I told her we’d discussed that recent episode of dissociation during last weeks therapy session. We figured out that there was contact from past abusers, both by phone and via email. I hadnt known this info but during our therapy session Allie disclosed it. We talked about us living alone, and how vulnerable we feel sometimes. Dr Barry said it seems I am worrying about a lot. And my anxiety is really intense. She seemed to think that starting college, and the fact that I really really want it to work out and am working so hard on making sure that happens, is heightening my anxiety. I tend to agree with her. I told her I wasnt sleeping very well. We discussed ways which I could try to get a better sleep pattern going. Then we talked about attachment issues, and I told her that last week in therapy I’d asked Eileen if I was too needy, or too intense, and how eileen had said no not at all. I told dr barry that I am very attached to both herself and eileen, and she asked me if I thought my attachment was unhealthy. I said I didnt know. That I am relying on herself and Eileen to manage that, because I have such a messed up view of attachment that I cant gage it. She said I was being very honest. We got on then to talking about family issues, mainly my mom and our relationship. I told her that its hard for me to feel certain things, like for example, I desperately want to be cared about and for but part of me says its not ok, that I shouldnt want that, because I never got it as a kid. So sometimes I intentionally prevent it from happening, for example, I shut down, or pull away from people, or do something to sabbotage it. Dr Barry asked me if its because I am scared, I said yes I am scared. But its also because its easier to pretend not to care, that way if the person who is caring for you pulls away or takes that care away, you dont end up hurt and rejected. She said she understands why I feel that way. I told her I am trying hard with both her and eileen not to do that. She said I am doing a very good job so far. We talked about my relationship with my mom, and dr barry said she felt it had improved over the last few months. How we’re doing things more now like having coffee together, I’m asking her to help me with practical things etc. She did say she knows my mom isnt really there for me emotionally. Nor she hasnt ever been. I said that is really hurtful and how I wished she was there for me in that way. I told dr barry that the kids in our system see eileen as their second mom, and they’ve even told her that. I said how I’d never be brave enough to say that to eileen. She said how I try to be age appropriate, and how I am older and the younger insiders find it easier to say those sorta things, they dont have that fear that I do. We talked about college, and I told her there had been a few teething problems. I’m dealing with them though with the instructors. She told me to try not to get too anxious, that things will work out, I just have to give it time and keep doing what I am doing in therapy, that she can really see a shift in our system dynamic over the last while. I was grateful for her feedback. It was really helpful. Sometimes I hate loaded sessions like yesterdays because there is so much to think about afterwords and to relect on. But I will, and hopefully I will be able to figure more of the puzzle out.
hi its me allie. i’m bummed. we didnt go to therapy today. that makes me sad. carol anne was feeling tired, and miserable so she decided to not go. if i made the decisions around here, i would have went. now we dont get to see eileen for 10 whole days. i just texted her a few minutes ago to tell her that i miss her and it feels like a long time, the 10 days. it feels like forever! she hasnt replied yet, but i know she will when she can. i dont like it when the bigs decide stuff sometimes. we werent sick today as in vomiting, or like real sick you know so we couldnt move, so i think we should have gone. i think the tiredness would have gone away if we just made ourselves go. oh well. its too late now i guess. im just mad and kinda sad that we never had our therapy session today.
allie age 9