I’ve been going around feeling quite dissociated today. Not sure why that is but its very concerning. My head is fuzzy. My mind is racing. One minute I am thinking about something intensely, the next my mind is a blurr. I’m finding that my concentration isn’t there and its become increasingly hard to try to stay present. I really hate this. Life feels so unbearable right now. I hate the fogginess of my mind, the intensity of my emotions. I just want to go home and not do any college work. I just want to relax and try to calm down. It feels so overwhelming. I have about another four hours before the day is over, and even then, it isn’t really over because I have to go see Dr Barry. Sigh.
WELL I DID IT. I TALKED TO DR BARRY. I TOLD HER EVERYTHING. SHE ASKED ME LOTS OF QUESTIONS ABOUT MY EMOTIONAL STATE, ABOUT STUFF FROM THE PAST, ABOUT FEELINGS, YES, THOSE ALL IMPORTANT THNGS THAT DRIVE ME FREAKING NUTS. SHE GOT IT AND WAS TOTALLY AWESOME. I HAD A KINDA HARD TIME TELLING HER ABOUT HOW I VIEWED OUR RELATIONSHIP, HOW WHEN SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO ME, LIKE HER OR EILEEN COMPLIMENTS ME, THAT I AUTOMATICALLY THINK THEY ARE JUST SAYING GOOD OR NICE THINGS TO BE NICE, THAT THEY HAVE AN OLTERIOR MOTIVE. IT WAS HARD TO TELL HER HOW IMPORTANT SHE IS TO US, WITHOUT FEELING DUMB. SHE UNDERSTOOD THOUGH. I FELT GOOD ONCE I TALKED TO HER. LIKE A WEIGHT HAD BEEN LIFTED FROM ME. I TOLD HER I’D OFFERED TO HELP CAROL ANNE WITH COLLEGE, AND WE’RE ALSO TALKING ABOUT ME POSSIBLY TAKING ON A KINDA DUAL ROLE WITH CAROL ANNE, SO WE’D BOTH BE LEADING THE SYSTEM, NOT JUST HER ON HER OWN. DR BARRY SEEMED TO THINK THAT WAS A WONDERFUL IDEA. SHE PRAISED ME AGAIN SAYING I’D REALLY COME VERY FAR IN THE PAST YEAR, WHERE AS BEFORE I’D REACT FIRST THINK LATER, NOW I’M STARTING TO THINK FIRST REACT SECOND. ITS FUNNY TO DO THINGS IN THAT WAY WHEN I NEVER DID BEFORE. BUT IT ALLOWS ME TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE AND STUFF SO THAT IS A POSITIVE. I TOLD DR BARRY I’D DONE THE OBSERVING AND DESCRIBING EMOTIONS WORKSHEET AND FOUND THAT BENEFICIAL. I ALSO TOLD HER I HAD INTENSE URGES TO SELF HARM WHEN I WAS TRIGGERED LAST WEEK BUT I DIDNT DO IT INSTEAD I USED MY COPING SKILLS. VERY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR USING MY SKILLS. I’M GLAD I MANAGED TO TALK TO HER AND I DIDNT END UP SAYING NOTHING. NOW SHE KNOWS, SHE’LL BE MORE AWARE THAT THINGS LIKE POSITIVE COMMENTS COMPLIMENTS TRIGGER ME.
I’ve had a very hard day. Very trying and I am so unsettled now. And I am also pissed off, upset, feeling depressed, etc. Its all because there are a ton of problems with my transportation i.e funding for taxi’s. It all started when I decided to ring the taxi company that I use and ask them if I could arrange a set price for going to school, since I knew I’d be paying towards those taxi’s. I made out my weekly income, and I can pay 50 euro towards transport for school, but no more. So I was ringing to ask them to make me a deal and do it for a set fare, since I always use the same company and all the drivers know me. Ok so the girl I spoke to who is the accounts manager, said she’d recived this email from my case manager at Cara Nua, which is the organisation that funds my medical appointments, and also my taxi’s to the basement club. So she’d recieved an email and it said from the end of August there would be no more funding allocated to me, and to close my account. I knew nothing about any of this so as you can imagine I was very surprised. She told me she’d gotten really annoyed with ~Adrian, whose my case manager, on the phone, because he came across as cold, abrupt, etc. I told her that I felt that when I’d spoken to him last week about the grant I was to get for college that he’d seemed like that to me too. So now I’m stuck and am not sure if I’ll have transportation to my appointments with Dr Barry, Mark and Karen O my nutritionist. My taxi’s to Eileen are safe as another organisation pays for those. I decided to ring Karen R, the now team leader but who most of you know as Dr Barrys social worker. I spent literally all afternoon trying to get hold of her, but she wasnt in her office. Eventually I left a message asking her to call me back and at 10 to 5 she called me. We talked and she said that she’d email Adrian tomorrow, and ask to look at my outgoings for the past few weeks, she said he’d said in his email to her, because yes, he also emailed Karen R, and said that they were suspending my account but maybe it could be reviewed if they had a clear schedule of when exactly I’d be using the taxi’s and for what. So Karen R said she’d let him know that I need taxi’s for my 3 appointments, two of which are weekly and one is monthly. That was one crisis kinda solved. The other thing that happened today was about school and again more taxi issues. When I met the manager of the college a few months back and I told him I would need help with funding my transport he was ok with that, and went so far as to tell me he’d be able to give me 100 euro a week towards my transport needs. I made it up today, after I’d gotten a set price from the company I’d be using, and it will cost 150 euro a week to go to and from school…15 euro each way. So knowing that, I called him and asked him if he’s still giving me the grant towards costs of transport. He said how much, and when I told him 100 Euro he was like, um, I am not sure, usually only a set amount is allowed, let me talk to the funding department and get back to you about it. Fair enough I said, but when will you get back to me? I’m supposed to start on the 7th of september! He was like I dont know, I’ve things to do, I’ll get back to you when I can. Sounded so uninterested and like he wasnt really bothered. But I need to know for my own peace of mind! If I cant get the funding, I cant go to school, simple as that. My whole life, everything I’ve been working towards for the past year, everything I’ve becoming stable for, trying to stay well for, so I could go to school, get my qualification, get a job at the end of it, is coming crashing down around me. Its so frustrating and unsettling and I feel like crap. I even ended up arguing with my mom and dad and making my dad really mad at me. My mom and me talked and mom said that I shouldnt give up hope, that he hasnt said no yet and he might not. I got to thinking, and he has bought jaws, and a new computer to put jaws on, so then I though well, he wont want to waste the equipment now that he’s bought it, because nobody else can use it. So maybe on that basis he’ll say yes and give me the 100 euro. The other thing mom said was that perhaps he’ll say I have to pay half, that would be 75 euro a week I’d have to pay. I have a monthly income, as well as a weekly one, the monthly one is a top up, and if it came to it I could afford 75 a week, if I took some of the money out of the monthly income I have. So it might just work out. I hope it does. I really want to go to school. I want to have a life. I dont want to spend my days sitting around at home doing nothing. I’d much prefer to be out of the house and having something to do every day, something to get up for in the mornings, and something to show at the end of the two years. Please, if you pray, pray that this all works out. If you dont pray, send me good vibes and or thoughts.
It was very busy yesterday in dr barrys clinic. There was a guy before me and he was in with her for what seemed like a long time but it probably wasnt. Finally though our turn came.
I told Dr Barry my anxiety had been through the roof this week. That now that I know I’m starting college in six weeks, I have a bunch of what ifs running through my head.
What if I become unwell and am unable to complete the course?
What if I dont do well at college?
What if my mental illnesses get in the way?
What if I dont fit in?
Dr Barry was very helpful. She said that she’d support me in whatever way she could. Last week Mark my OT said to me that the psychologist at the school had called him and wanted to meet him to discuss me coming on the programme. He had asked if I needed to be there but she said no. Mark knows that I want to keep my mental health stuff separate from my schooling, and he’s ok with that. I told him to go ahead and meet the psychologist and report back to me. I’m not sure when he’s going to meet her though.
I told Dr barry all this and she said its not unusual for professionals to consult with one another and considering mark is my link person and was the person who helped me to get on the course that the psychologist probably just wants to ask him what they should do if a crisis arises, or what are the options if I become unwell during the school year. That set my mind at ease somewhat.
We talked about me possibly accessing my psych notes from a couple years ago. I said to Dr Barry that I wanted her advice on whether I should do it or not. And I’d appreciate it if she gave me an honest answer. She said that its crucial to choose the right time when you are going about accessing records…and that she feels now isnt the right time for us to do it because we’re going through a lot of change and she wants us to succeed and seeing past notes and stuff might set us off. She said that there is probably a lot in them, and maybe even stuff we dont remember saying or doing, and that we should think carefully before we decide to pursue it.
We also talked about sleep and getting a better routine going. She said to use the next six weeks to try to establish a better sleep routine and better sleeping habits. That sounds like a good idea to me.
We talked about Eileen going on vacation and Dr Barry said that when Eileens gone for the two weeks that she’d see me twice a week if I wanted that extra bit of support. So thats what we’re doing. She also said if a crisis arises that she could put the weekend service in place. The weekend service are psychiatric nurses who either come to your home and check on you or if they dont do that they’ll phone you to see how things are going. On both Saturday and sunday. And if needs be they can access beds in the hospital and you can go in through them instead of going in through the emergency room or your GP. So she said if we become overwhelmed that she’ll refer us to the weekend service for more support.All in all it was a great session, very productive.
I’ve been feeling pretty emotional this morning. Not sure why. Perhaps its a reaction to yesterday? Whatever it is I dont like it at all.
I feel flat, but at the same time anxious. At least there is one plus. At least I havent been sick today. For the last two days I was physically sick in the mornings due to anxiety. I’m glad I havent been today and have managed to keep food down.
Its a start, right?