feeling so alone. triggered. emotional. my head is spinning, literally. Want to cry but cant. Hate this so much. Just feel so much emotion, ug.
I’M SITTING HERE WAITING FOR THE TAXI TO ARRIVE TO TAKE US TO OUR APT WITH DR BARRY AND I’M TRYING TO PLAN OUT WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY to her. WE HAVE TO HAVE AN INTENSE CONVERSATION, I DO, I’M THE ONE WHO WAS TRIGGERED LAST WEEK AFTER OUR APPOINTMENT SO ITS UP TO ME TO TELL HER THAT AND WHY AND STUFF. I’M NERVOUS AND APPREHENSIVE. I HATE WHEN I HAVE TO TELL HER SOMETHING THATS DIFFICULT TO SAY OR PUT INTO WORDS. IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE THAT WHEN SHE WAS SAYING GOOD THINGS ABOUT US, COMPLIMENTING US, SAYING HOW INTELLIGENT WE WERE, WHAT POTENTIAL WE HAD, THAT THAT’D TRIGGER OFF PAST SHIT IN ME PAST MESSAGES FROM TOXIC PEOPLE LIKE OUR ABUSERS. BUT IT DID. AND NOW I HAVE TO TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO DR BARRY SOMEHOW. NOT SURE SHE’S GONNA UNDERSTAND SINCE SHE’S PROBABLY NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN HER LIFE. ALL I CAN DO IS GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT I GUESS AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. I COULD ASK ANOTHER INSIDER TO DO THE EXPLAINING FOR ME, BUT I AM NOT A WIMP AND I KINDA WANT THE CHANCE TO EXPLAIN IT MYSELF. PUSH PULL, I WANT TO, I DONT WANT TO. UG. I HATE MY EMOTIONS SOMETIMES.
FEELING INTENSE EMOTION RIGHT NOW. AM REALLY TRIGGERED. SENT EILEEN A TEXT TELLING HER I FELT OVERWHELMED AND EMOTIONAL AND TRIGGERED. DIDNT HAVE WORDS TO TELL HER WHY. SHE’LL UNDERSTAND. SAW THIS ON ANOTHER BLOG AND DECIDED I’D TRY AND FILL IT OUT. HERE GOES.
Name: LIZ Date: 8/27/15
Primary Emotions: SADNESS, ANGER, OVERWHELM, DESPAIR Intensity (0-100): 90
Prompting event (for emotion, who what, where, when):
WAS HAVING FLASHBACKS. THEY CAME ON SUDDENLY. REMEMBERED STUFF AROUND MY ABUSE. STUFF ABOUT BEING RAPED. COULDNT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD AND SPIRALED THEN.
Interpretation (beliefs, assumptions, and appraisals of the situation):
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, IT CANT BE. ITS NOT FAIR. I HATE FLASHBACKS, I HATE MEMORIES, I WISH IT WOULD JUST STOP.
Body changes and sensing: FEELING LIKE PUNCHING SOMEONE, PREFERABLY MY ABUSERS, WANTING TO CRY, FEELING ALONE AND FRUSTRATED.
Body Language (facial expression, posture, gestures): EYES TEARING UP, SCREWING UP MY FACE, HITTING MY HAND ON THE TABLE
Action Urges (what did I feel like doing, what did I want to say):
PUNCHING SOMEONE, CRYING, LASHING OUT, REACHING OUT TO SOMEONE, CUTTING.. Taking PILLS. .
What I said or did in the situation:
EMAILED MY THERAPIST, DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE, LOOKED AT MY EMAIL, PATTED NITRO.
After Effects (secondary emotions, memories, thoughts, state of mind, behavior):
THE ANGER TURNED TO OVERWHELMING SADNESS ONCE THE RAGE SUBSIDED. FELT LIKE JUST CRYING MY EYES OUT. NEEDED A HUG FROM SOMEONE.
(expectations) and the root emotion (anger.)
Function of Emotion: ????
Other possible interpretations:
I SHOULD USE MY COPING SKILLS, IF I DO, THEN PERHAPS I’LL FEEL LESS INTENSE EMOTIONS AND BE LESS TRIGGERED.
New Intensity (0-100): 50
going down down
a cloud of blackness
a sinking feeling
that turns to numbness, nothingness
at my being
i try to put on a mask
but everyone can see
its not their reality
they go on with life
oblivious to the blackness that surrounds me
and i try to carry on
while my world crumbles
I feel dead on the inside. Numb. Empty. Sad and weary. Wish I could cry. Think a good cry is what I badly need. The tears wont come though think they’re stuck and cant get out.