Tag Archives: Jokes

Humour-Things that you never thought about…

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never
thought about;
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”â¦. but it’s only a “penny
for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re
both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just
“chunkydunk.”

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
Miss America?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!

Humour-The australian swimmer

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his
new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic
Village.
Once she’s inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they
rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.
After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the
bed in exhaustion.

The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.
His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shavenscalp
glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.
She’s really pleased to have met this guy.
At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.
He fumbles the lidoff a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a
small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp.
Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly
energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and
beating
his chest like a gorilla.
Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat
performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.
Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!
After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position,
the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another
shot of the
mysterious liquid.
Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his
chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the
same blistering pace as before.
In the darkness, she can’t properly see what kind of tonic is causing
these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!
More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking
ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on
her part,
the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

“Just a minute, big boy,” she whispers to the panting bald-headed
Aussie, “I think I need to try some of your tonic!”
She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.
She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it
just tastes like Coca-Cola.
Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed
– only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the
Australian
relay team

Humour-How is email like a penis?

HOW IS EMAIL LIKE A PENIS?

Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would be
devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who
don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them
power. They are wrong.

Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but
think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to
try it.

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it
hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for,
but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.

Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have
work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this interaction seriously; others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until
it’s too late.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread viruses.

Joke…Lord, they are finally together

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again and she and Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried,….and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
“Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Marge,
“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Marge replied:..”I think he means her legs, Ethel.”

Joke…Lone ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto, went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ‘

The Lone Ranger replies,
‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day, tomorrow.

What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

‘You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole tent.’