Tag Archives: Depression

This weeks Dr Barry appointment was intense

I didnt go to college today. I am depressed. I’ve been having severe flashbacks. I couldnt face it. But I did see Dr Barry. I knew I had to go to see her to talk about all this. I went in there and sat down heavily and sighed.
Dr Barry: How are you today? How was your week?
Me: Oh dr barry, I feel awful. I’m depressed and suicidal.
She was shocked and concerned. Tell me about it? She said softly and gently. So I did.
I’ve been having awful flashbacks of the assault I suffered a year ago. For those who dont know or who arent aware, I was raped around last April. Basically, some people from my past, abusers, did it. So far no bodys been prosecuted. I told Dr Barry that I feel disgusting, and so worthless. I feel like I am just an object to be used and abused. And I almost cried but was able to hold the tears in. I told dr barry I’d emailed eileen last night. And before I’d left today to go to dr barry eileen had emailed me back and tried to reassure me. I was glad to get her email but I did not feel better even with her gentle and kind reassurances that I am not an object, that we can work through this, that she is here for me, and that I’ll be ok. I just felt flat, low, bla, like I was not able to cope.
Dr Barry listened, before softly telling me that its ok not to be ok. That I am way too hard on myself. That I put way too much pressure on myself to be a model patient. She said sometimes it takes time to deal with things, and its ok if I couldnt all along, I said I wasnt ready, and she reassured me that thats ok. Things only come out when we feel safe, and when we’re ready to share them. I then told her how I’d wanted to tell her months ago about my partner and talk about her illness and how I felt about that with her, but words failed me. I said how I knew she’d put so much into building a relationship with me, dr barry had, and how I felt that I was holding back and withholding information that was important. She said I should give myself a break, I should not try to be a model patient, that I’ve been doing great, but its ok to not do great too. I told her how my family are pressuring me to stay ok, and because they see me coping and being ok and having some good days, they then dont want me to have a bad day. She asked me if I told them that everyone has bad days, we cant all be ok all of the time. I said I had but they still dont seem to grasp it or get it. She said its their inability to understand the challenges I face and that I’ll probably never change them. I sighed and not for the first time wished I could have Dr Barry as my mom.
We talked about possibly adding a medication if the depression doesnt lift. She thought about the options and I was saying how most of the meds dont or havent worked for me. And then there is the added problem of remembering to take them. I was taking sertraline, but I have been off it for a while now. I was also taking lyrica but I no longer take that one either. I do take xeplion and in the end she said she’d increase that one. And she said I could get the next dose a week earlier than I was supposed to. So instead of taking 100 MG I’ll be taking 150 MG of that med starting next week. I hope it does something and is worth while. I was telling her how lately, the last two times I’ve gotten the injection, that I start out feeling good and then two weeks into the cycle I start to feel down, anxious, unstable. She said she hadnt heard anyone else say that but its possible.
She asked me if I wanted to sit down with her and talk about the police report that she was meant to do up after last years assault. I said some time I’d like to as we’ve not given the report to the police yet, and she hasnt fully written it, its just a draft and she wants to get my input as to what I want them to know about our did. So that needs to be done soon too.
Other than that she said Mark had texted her yesterday afternoon after the meeting we had in the morning, and told her it was really positive and I’d done really well advocating for myself and she was really pleased for me. I didnt know Mark was gonna do that. I thought he’d just leave a note in my file.
It was a good appointment though and I feel much better after it.

Sometimes my dads a real fucking asshole, yesterday was one such time

So long time readers and friends will know I have a pretty intense relationship with my dad. Its always been that way. My dad, for those who dont know, is an alcoholic. He likes to think he isnt, but he damn well is. All of my childhood, he’s drank. In 2007 he got sorosis of the liver, and he gave up drink for four years but in 2011 he started again. Yes he drinks less now, but he still drinks, and when he drinks, he’s an asshole!
Yesterday morning, I got up, and went to the kitchen, I had been staying in mom and dads on Saturday night. I was sitting eating my toast, and I happened to mention to mom that I needed some groceries, and could she take me at some point? Usually my PA would take me on satuday morning, but this weekend I had to go to dublin so my PA didnt come on Saturday. So I said to mom could she take me, and she was like in a mood about it, and asked me what do you need? She said it in a way that was like “I dont really want to go” “Do you really need that much?” so of course I got snippy then and reacted by becoming irritated and snapped at her.
Immediately my dad started in on me…without warning. He said that I was treating mom badly, and I’m always treating her badly, which is totally untrue. He then went on to say that I was very bitter, I had an attitude, and was angry at the world. Hello? I’m angry at the world? Well yes! The world has been pretty fucking mean to me! First his drinking, his temper, then the abuse I endured, then the bullying, and on and on, you get the picture. Excuse me if I am a little angry because of all that.
When he’d finished calling me names, and saying things about me that werent nice, I was crying, upset, and ready to go home. I almost went home. Mom actually stood up for me even though I’d originally snapped at her. Later I apologised to mom and she told me just to not say anything around dad, that what he wont know wont bother him, and that if I needed her to go grocery shopping that she would, that all she’d been asking was what I needed, she didnt mean to sound like she was saying we shouldnt go.
Its too bad my dad wont deal with his anger issues, he’s always saying how I should give up seeing eileen and Dr Barry. He wants me off all meds. He says I dont have a mental illness. He says I just have an attitude and anger issues and its up to me to fix that.
Well, if I have an attitude and anger issues, I wonder where I got them from? Learnt behaviour? My family is so disfunctional that its not surprising I have those issues going on.

ITS LIZ AND I’M STRUGGLING

HI EVERYONE
I’M LIZ. I’M 25. AND TONIGHT I’VE BEEN STRUGGLING.
I DONT USUALLY REACH OUT FOR HELP BUT TONIGHT I DID. I KNEW I’D BE GOING TO THERAPY LATER THIS MORNING SO I CHOSE TO REACH OUT ONLINE TOO. I WANT TO GO TO THERAPY LATER TODAY AND TALK TO EILEEN.
I FEEL SUICIDAL. I FEEL DEPRESSED AND LOST. FEARFUL AND AT THE SAME TIME CALM. I KNOW THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE. CALM AND FEAR ARENT A MIX? BUT THATS HOW I FEEL.
I REALLY WANTED TO END IT TONIGHT. I SAT ON MY OWN ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR FOR AGES. JUST CONTEMPLATING HOW I’D END IT. NOW I’M GLAD I DIDNT. SOMEHOW WHEN ITS LIGHT OUTSIDE THINGS GET A LITTLE BIT EASIER.
LIZ

Dr Barry and other things

We saw Dr Barry on Wednesday. It went really well. Liz was the one who went in and she talked to Dr Barry for about 45 minutes. She told her how depressed she was and Dr Barry said she could feel the apathy coming from Liz. They talked about emotions and how liz is usually angry and deals with things by becoming angry towards others, but now, she’s leaning more towards dealing with her emotions in a more healthy way. She’s starting to think about what happened to her and process it in a much healthier way than she would have in the past. She told Dr Barry that she has a lot of survivors guilt about making it while others did not. She showed Dr Barry a picture of us when we were 7, and making our first holy communion. She said to Dr Barry how she’d shown it to our therapit too, and Eileen had said that seeing the picture, it really brought home to her the horror of what we’d been going through. Dr barry agreed. She said seeing it makes it so real, seeing us so happy in the picture, standing there in our communion dress, but going through such horrendous abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to be caring for us. I was glad Liz got to talk to Dr Barry for so long, I feel she needed it. I talked to Dr Barry for the last about 20 minutes of our appointment. We mostly discussed practical stuff, like how we need to sit down and go through the police report that Dr Barry did up a few months ago but that we havent given to them yet. Dr Barry said she felt it wasnt the right time and with our emotional state we should wait a couple of weeks, but if at any time I felt like discussing it to let her know and we could. I am happy to wait though. I dont know if I want it to go to the police now, like I said to Dr barry, once my info goes to them its out there, and I dont know what they’re planning on doing with it. Dr Barry thinks they are seeing if they actually have a case and need it to go forward but I honestly dont know. It kinda scares me if I am honest. I also talked a little with Dr Barry about missing my last OT apt with Mark. I told her dissociation and being in shut down mode had contributed to that. She said she’d been worried when she’d read we’d missed the apt. I told her I just couldnt face it and felt too unwell mentally to go to it. We rescheduled for July 30th already so that is good and I still get to see Mark then. Dr Barry asked me about college, and I gave her the updates on that. She said despite everything I’m managing and I should be proud of myself and of the system for copoing so well.
Yesterday we stayed home because the weather was so horrible outside. It rained all day torentially. My home help came and we cooked but other than that I did not do much of anything. sometimes though you just need a day to chill out, relax, and do mnothing. The next few days I’m going to be busy. Today Friday I have my nutritionist Karen and a weigh in and I am seriously hoping I’ve lost some weight. If I havent I’ll be crushed I think. It will be so disappointing if I havent since I’ve done lots of things to lose the weight this week. Mom wants to go to the beach with our sister and the kids and she asked me to go too but I said I’d wait and see how the weather will be. I think if its nice they’re planning on having a BBQ on the beach. Saturday I have to go to dublin for a shine council meeting. I’ll have to get up at 5 AM and get the 7 AM train to dublin because the meeting starts at 11 AM. So an early start. I’m both nervous and excited about goign to my first real council meeting. The staff at the basement club were saying the other day how proud of me they are. I thought that was really sweet of them. I also went on Wednesday to the being well course. We were working on being active, and on portion sizes, and it was really interesting. Portion sizes are so small! Like I could barely believe it when they measured out a portion of potatos, rice and pasta. We went for a smoothy after the class so that was nice.
Well thats all for now I think. Its been an up and down few days.