Day 8: Share a scar
Although not a physical scar, my many overdoses have left a lot of emotional scars. So much so that now taking tablets is a big issue for me. When I have to take even just a tablet for a headache, I physically feel like Im going to throw up. All the times I swallowed handfuls of pills, its just a reminder that I did that which I would rather not have to think about.
Some days being a survivor sucks. really, i hate it. some days, i’d rather be dead. being dead would be so much easier. some days, i feel like life has been so unfair to me, first the abuse, then the did, the ptsd, the anxiety, the triggers, constant triggers that dont let up. sometimes life is ok, like this past weekend, but always in the back of our mind there is the suicidal thoughts and voice. die. kill yourself. do it. nobody wants you around. they would all be better off if you did it. what are you waiting for? and then today i heard about a 15 year old who lived a little ways away from me and he committed suicide. and i felt incredibly sad for him and his family. such a young life, wasted and i thought, why? what was going on for him? how is it i never think that for myself? how is it i never ask why? i never question why we are feeling so sad, lost, and suicidal? the whys never seem to matter. i guess we dont think too much of ourselves right now. life is hard. the days go by in a blurr of pain, triggers, overwhelm. we try to normalise it. we act happy because its what everyone around us wants to see. the only people we can truly be real with are dr barry, eileen and a select few friends. i wish things were different. i really do. if i had a different life story maybe they would be.
If your easily triggered skip this post. Its just some about my ongoing struggle at this time of the year.
I sware…im in turmoil. I cant handle this night. Nothing bad happened. I went to my aunts as planned. But i left early to go home. I got upset and emotional and overwhelmed and i couldn’t cope.
Im not ok. In fact im suicidal. I hurt. My body hurts. And my head..o god my head it hurts, too. Im just one massive big ball of hurt tonight.
I don’t have a plan right now. But im thinking hard about what i can do. My mind is on overdrive. Im trying distraction techniques. Im talking to my angels. Im trying to think of people who i love and who love me and care about me and don’t want me to die. But damn, its freaking hard. What if i’m a burden on the world. What if the people who say they care about me really don’t?
Is anybody out there? If you are, i could use some friends to talk to. Im reaching out. Im suicidal, low, not coping, emotional, and very stressed out. If your out there, please let me know you hear me. I’ll be forever grateful to you.
Well its all done and dusted. I’ve been transferred down to st Michaels psych unit. Ro kicked off such a fuss that they got a doctor up and somehow, even though they said they couldn’t earlier today, they got us a bed. So we’re here, and settling in. And let me just say that I have never been so happy to be back on the regular psychiatric unit. The locked unit was not good. Not good at all for us. It stressed us out further and only served to traumatise us further. It made insiders act up and act out, with us ending up sectioned for a day which is not pleasant. No clothes, no underwear, a gown only to wear. It was not cool. I’m just happy to be here and I will stay as long as it takes to do any further assessments. We wont see Dr barry again now until Tuesday which is kind of bla cuz I wanted to chat to her. But we’ll be able to have visitors over the weekend, our moms coming tomorrow, and we have plenty of treats thanks to Doris for sending a magical care package. The finding nemo pillow is a huge hit with all the patients and we wont forget to give out lollipops either! Love ya Doris your a cool friend! XXX everyone
im feeling so very awful. i wish i had died yesterday. i know i sound selfish. but the pain, its so much. i cant bear it. it hurts. i hurts. everything just hurts all over my body and in my insides and mind and heart. i dont know why people like me. i dont deserve them to like me. i wonder if doctor barry will be mad tomorrow. i deserve her to be mad at me. i shouldnt have taken pills. but i was so upset. i was so scared. and i didnt know what else i could do. when i did it i rang our therapist. after a while i rang her. and she was good to me and helped me to know what i should do. now i feel bad for bothering her. i shouldnt have. im a failure. i cant even kill myself. it never works. why do i keep trying? my mommy jess needs me. my friends in her system need me. i have to remember that. i have to remember that they love me. and want me to stay alive.
emily age 12