This weeks Dr Barry appointment was intense

I didnt go to college today. I am depressed. I’ve been having severe flashbacks. I couldnt face it. But I did see Dr Barry. I knew I had to go to see her to talk about all this. I went in there and sat down heavily and sighed.
Dr Barry: How are you today? How was your week?
Me: Oh dr barry, I feel awful. I’m depressed and suicidal.
She was shocked and concerned. Tell me about it? She said softly and gently. So I did.
I’ve been having awful flashbacks of the assault I suffered a year ago. For those who dont know or who arent aware, I was raped around last April. Basically, some people from my past, abusers, did it. So far no bodys been prosecuted. I told Dr Barry that I feel disgusting, and so worthless. I feel like I am just an object to be used and abused. And I almost cried but was able to hold the tears in. I told dr barry I’d emailed eileen last night. And before I’d left today to go to dr barry eileen had emailed me back and tried to reassure me. I was glad to get her email but I did not feel better even with her gentle and kind reassurances that I am not an object, that we can work through this, that she is here for me, and that I’ll be ok. I just felt flat, low, bla, like I was not able to cope.
Dr Barry listened, before softly telling me that its ok not to be ok. That I am way too hard on myself. That I put way too much pressure on myself to be a model patient. She said sometimes it takes time to deal with things, and its ok if I couldnt all along, I said I wasnt ready, and she reassured me that thats ok. Things only come out when we feel safe, and when we’re ready to share them. I then told her how I’d wanted to tell her months ago about my partner and talk about her illness and how I felt about that with her, but words failed me. I said how I knew she’d put so much into building a relationship with me, dr barry had, and how I felt that I was holding back and withholding information that was important. She said I should give myself a break, I should not try to be a model patient, that I’ve been doing great, but its ok to not do great too. I told her how my family are pressuring me to stay ok, and because they see me coping and being ok and having some good days, they then dont want me to have a bad day. She asked me if I told them that everyone has bad days, we cant all be ok all of the time. I said I had but they still dont seem to grasp it or get it. She said its their inability to understand the challenges I face and that I’ll probably never change them. I sighed and not for the first time wished I could have Dr Barry as my mom.
We talked about possibly adding a medication if the depression doesnt lift. She thought about the options and I was saying how most of the meds dont or havent worked for me. And then there is the added problem of remembering to take them. I was taking sertraline, but I have been off it for a while now. I was also taking lyrica but I no longer take that one either. I do take xeplion and in the end she said she’d increase that one. And she said I could get the next dose a week earlier than I was supposed to. So instead of taking 100 MG I’ll be taking 150 MG of that med starting next week. I hope it does something and is worth while. I was telling her how lately, the last two times I’ve gotten the injection, that I start out feeling good and then two weeks into the cycle I start to feel down, anxious, unstable. She said she hadnt heard anyone else say that but its possible.
She asked me if I wanted to sit down with her and talk about the police report that she was meant to do up after last years assault. I said some time I’d like to as we’ve not given the report to the police yet, and she hasnt fully written it, its just a draft and she wants to get my input as to what I want them to know about our did. So that needs to be done soon too.
Other than that she said Mark had texted her yesterday afternoon after the meeting we had in the morning, and told her it was really positive and I’d done really well advocating for myself and she was really pleased for me. I didnt know Mark was gonna do that. I thought he’d just leave a note in my file.
It was a good appointment though and I feel much better after it.

2 thoughts on “This weeks Dr Barry appointment was intense”

  1. Hope you feel better soon. Do not give up sweetie you have Doctors who really care about you and I can tell they have helped you. I am very proud of you. Love you!

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