I FEEL ANXIOUS. THERAPY IS IN AN HOUR. DONT REALLY WANNA GO. DONT WANT TO TRY TO FIND MY WORDS. THEY GOT LOST AND ITS SO HARD TO FIND THEM TO SAY THE THINGS ON MY MIND. I HATE THAT FEELING OF ANXIETY WELLING UP INSIDE IN MY CHEST AND THROAT AND BELLY. MY THROAT FEELS LIKE IT MAY CLOSE UP. MY CHEST IS TIGHT AND MY STOMACH IS DOING FLIP FLOPS. ITS NUTS AND I AM BOTH STRESSED, ANXIOUS AND IRRITATED AT MYSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY. EILEEN WILL BE HER USUAL AWESOME SELF I KNOW THAT. SO WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? WE HAD A NICE EMAIL EXCHANGE OVER THE WEEKEND. I TOLD HER AS MUCH AS I COULD IN AN EMAIL. I TOLD HER I WAS FEELING TRIGGERED AND DID NOT HAVE WORDS TO PUT TO IT. SHE UNDERSTOOD. I HATE MONDAYS TOO SO EVERYTHING JUST FEELS BLA THIS MORNING.
Just home from an appointment with Dr Barry. It was a good appointment as always.
We mostly discussed stuff around college, especially my anxiety around that. I told her that I was afraid I would become unstable again when I start, that the stress of doing the course would cause me to decompress. I know when I start the course we will have teething problems, mostly due to my blindness, and the fact that I am the first blind person to do this particular course. They’ve had parcially sighted people before but not someone whose totally blind. So I do know there will be problems. I told Dr barry that I did not want my mental illness to be the focus point, but that I’m afraid when I start it will take a dive and I will become unstable again. Dr Barry said that she can understand why I am worried, but she said she thinks I’ll be ok, that I’ve spent the last 12 months stabilising and doing lots of hard work in therapy, and that she doesnt think that I will undo it. She’s hopeful I wont. She said to take things slowly and I should be ok. Mostly our appointment today focused on the college stuff, it was a shorter than usual appointment, I was done in 30 minutes when usually I am with her for an hour or more.
Yesterday Mark our OT went to a meeting with the school psychologist and the manager of the college and himself about me and about what supports I’ll need in order that I can deal with my mental illness effectively. He rang me when he was finished and he said it all went off ok. Apparently they wanted to know what they should tell the other trainees on the course, whether they should mention our did to them or not. Mark told them to consult me about it, but that he thought I wouldnt want them to mention it, as I dont usually tell just anyone, that I prefer to only tell those who I think will have an understanding of the disorder. He told the school that if there was a problem with my mental health or if I was in crisis that I’d contact either my psychiatrist dr Barry or my therapist Eileen, he said to leave it up to me to do that which the school agreed to do. He told them that I prefered to keep my mental illnesses separate from the academic side of things, that I am there to learn about IT stuff, and not to focus on my mental illness. They seemed to be ok with that which I am glad about. I am meeting Mark tomorrow to discuss the anxiety and ptsd stuff so I will probably talk omore to him then about stuff. Yesterdays call was just to touch base after the meeting.
I told Dr Barry today that we’re going away for the weekend, me, my mom, my sister and her kids. I’m so looking forward to it too. It will be nice to get away for a couple of nights and I know we’ll have a good time.
Sleep has become a huge issue again for us lately. I try to do a sleep hygiene routine at night. I go to bed between 11 30 and midnight. On weekends and on weekdays where I don’t have too much to do, I read for a while. I try to wind down before bed. I don’t drink coffee at all after 8. I sometimes listen to the relaxation letting go of stress cd that Eileen gave me. But nothing helps. Eventually I do fall asleep but then I wake sporadically throughout the night. And when I wake I usually get up because if I stay in bed, I start to panick. I also have nightmares which aren’t helping matters. Trauma nightmares are the worst. They make you feel just awful. Of course no nightmare is ever fun, but when they involve memories of abuse and trauma its doubly scary. I really don’t want to have to go back on sleeping pills again. Dr Barry gave us some a few weeks ago, a five day supply. That helped but it was only short term. But now all the problems are resurfacing again. Does anyone have any suggestions? Do you do anything to help you to sleep?
Im having a lot of anxiety this morning. I purposefully got out of the house. I went to the basement club. But I’m not sure I did the right thing. I am not really enjoying the noise levels here, and being around people. Its really overwhelming me. Plus Nitro is acting up this morning. I think he’s picking up on my stress levels. They say dogs do that. I know he gets easily stressed out. When he’s stressed he shakes a lot and that is how I know he’s stressed. I hope the anxiety isnt gonna keep up all weekend. The lyrica is helping somewhat I guess but I am not sure if its helping much as I’ve only taken it for 3 days. And I missed last nights dose because I fell asleep early. I think though I’ll stay here for a while and see how things go. I suppose its good to be around people when I am feeling like this.
Just saw Dr Barry. Talked to her about the worry we had over Eileen being out sick. Told her we’ve been feeling an awful lot of anxiety over the past couple of weeks. Since xmas really. It all started with the winter solstace and escalated from there. Now its at heightened proportions. Its actually getting to be quite out of hand. I told her between that and our overwhelming emotional struggle its been a tough couple of weeks. She decided to give us a new medication for anxiety. So now we will be starting lyrica at a dose of 50 mg twice a day. Dr Barry said to take it for a while and see how we go with it. I was worried about starting a new anxiety medication because of the side effects it might have on us. Dr barry said that lyrica has been used for about the last 4 years for anxiety disorder, before that it was an antiepileptic med and it still is. She said to watch out for weight gain and sleepiness because its a sedating med. I put in my prescription when I left and I will collect it on Wednesday. I hope it works out for us. I’m nervous about starting it but I do know its something we need to do to get this anxiety under control. I trust Dr Barry. I know she’ll do right by us. She wouldnt see us suffer and she wants to do everything in her power so that we dont.