Intense discussion with dr barry yesterday

We saw Dr Barry yesterday. We had a really long appointment, it was an hour and a half. Its usually an hour long. There was so much to discuss though. We talked about therapy and I told her that I didnt go last monday, due to my PTSD symptoms being really intense. I told her we’d discussed that recent episode of dissociation during last weeks therapy session. We figured out that there was contact from past abusers, both by phone and via email. I hadnt known this info but during our therapy session Allie disclosed it. We talked about us living alone, and how vulnerable we feel sometimes. Dr Barry said it seems I am worrying about a lot. And my anxiety is really intense. She seemed to think that starting college, and the fact that I really really want it to work out and am working so hard on making sure that happens, is heightening my anxiety. I tend to agree with her. I told her I wasnt sleeping very well. We discussed ways which I could try to get a better sleep pattern going. Then we talked about attachment issues, and I told her that last week in therapy I’d asked Eileen if I was too needy, or too intense, and how eileen had said no not at all. I told dr barry that I am very attached to both herself and eileen, and she asked me if I thought my attachment was unhealthy. I said I didnt know. That I am relying on herself and Eileen to manage that, because I have such a messed up view of attachment that I cant gage it. She said I was being very honest. We got on then to talking about family issues, mainly my mom and our relationship. I told her that its hard for me to feel certain things, like for example, I desperately want to be cared about and for but part of me says its not ok, that I shouldnt want that, because I never got it as a kid. So sometimes I intentionally prevent it from happening, for example, I shut down, or pull away from people, or do something to sabbotage it. Dr Barry asked me if its because I am scared, I said yes I am scared. But its also because its easier to pretend not to care, that way if the person who is caring for you pulls away or takes that care away, you dont end up hurt and rejected. She said she understands why I feel that way. I told her I am trying hard with both her and eileen not to do that. She said I am doing a very good job so far. We talked about my relationship with my mom, and dr barry said she felt it had improved over the last few months. How we’re doing things more now like having coffee together, I’m asking her to help me with practical things etc. She did say she knows my mom isnt really there for me emotionally. Nor she hasnt ever been. I said that is really hurtful and how I wished she was there for me in that way. I told dr barry that the kids in our system see eileen as their second mom, and they’ve even told her that. I said how I’d never be brave enough to say that to eileen. She said how I try to be age appropriate, and how I am older and the younger insiders find it easier to say those sorta things, they dont have that fear that I do. We talked about college, and I told her there had been a few teething problems. I’m dealing with them though with the instructors. She told me to try not to get too anxious, that things will work out, I just have to give it time and keep doing what I am doing in therapy, that she can really see a shift in our system dynamic over the last while. I was grateful for her feedback. It was really helpful. Sometimes I hate loaded sessions like yesterdays because there is so much to think about afterwords and to relect on. But I will, and hopefully I will be able to figure more of the puzzle out.

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