Therapy yesterday was totally a switchfest. I didnt plan it, it all just happened like that. Number one, when I was in the taxi on the way there, the driver freaked me out, so I backed away inside and Amy took over. So when we actually got there and our therapist Eileen came out to meet us and walk us in, Amy was out. And she noticed. I know she noticed because later on in the session I asked her if she knew something was different about us. She said yes. Then I said how? It always fascinates me how anyone who doesnt really know us would notice us switching. Or that its not the usual fronter. So she said, well for one thing you were quieter in your manner, you were taking your time, more cautious in your movements. Then when you got inside and sat down, you sat a totally different way than you usually do. Then just the way in which you presented, it was unlike you. Eventually Amy did tell her this is Amy not Carol anne. Almost right away she did that.
They talked for a few minutes her and Amy did. Then they talked about me and how I am overloaded. With college, with inside things, with my own shit that I havent really been dealing with, as I’ve been dealing with others in the system who need time, need things more than I do. Eileen said to Amy, is it ok if I talk to Carol anne and try to support her? Again, shock. She was asking for me outright. Usually we’d freeze up but this time Amy didnt. Eileen said do you think Carol anne will come out right now to talk to me? And Amys like, I’m sure she will, she’s talked to you for the last 3 weeks. So I did.
And we talked. And Eileen was like I know after the session last week you were drained, I know because I got an email from Brooklyn. Why were you so drained, what was going on? All this in her gentle manner. Without being pushy. I freaked out. I didnt wanna go there. So I said, do you have a bathroom? So she said yes and we went to the bathroom. Then when we got back I thought she’d forget. She didnt. So I did discuss some things, including food and weight, and college. And how I am so stressed about college and the outcome of that and the amount of work I have to do even if I split my year down to two subjects from 6.
About food and weight, we talked about going back to a dietician, and going on a food plan and following it. And being healthy. I told her how thats so hard for us. How we find it so difficult but really want to be healthy. I also told her I’m scared the dietician is gonna say you arent bulimic, you cant be. She said I dont understand why? And I said well do I look skinny to you? Nooo. I am fat. I am not a person who looks like they’re having ED issues. She said I am too hard on myself. That the reason my weight is stable almost all the time is cause I binge, purge, sometimes restrict, then sometimes dont. So my weight can stay stable.
Then all of a sudden the dissociation got real bad. I had this awful headache, it was sort of a switching headache but even worse than that. She kept saying whats happening, and I couldnt answer. Then eventually I managed to say Taylors screaming inside. Cause she was. And she said its ok, your safe. Then boom. Taylor popped out. Without any warning. Taylor was so scared but o so brave. For those of you who dont know her, Taylor is six. She was seeing blood, she was in severe flashbacks. But she was so brave. She talked to Eileen and tried to calm down. Eileen was so nice to her too. She kept saying to her you arent alone, your with me and your safe. After a while Taylor started to calm down. She started to warm to Eileen and they talked about mickey mouse club house and bubble guppys which are tv shows. They talked about dogs. Eileen told her about Maxie her dog. Then Eileen asked her, Taylor when you start to see blood at night, what can you do? And Taylor was like I dont know. So Eileen said can you picture this office, and me? And Taylor said, o so innocently which made Eileen laugh, why do you have to live so far away? LoL. Eileen was giggling and Taylors like what, and Eileen goes because I lived here before I ever knew any of you. Haha.
So now her and Taylor are buddies. When Eileen asked Taylor if she can talk to me again, and we switched back, I was so stiff all over. My head and neck really hurt. I was like this is unreal. And Eileen is like why is it unreal? And I was like because, I did not plan this. And she was like I know you didnt, things happen. And I’m like yeah but are you totally freaked out now? She said, no. Then she said when you first told me you had did, and when I considered that and if I’d be able to work with you effectively, I didnt consider that lightly. I was so appreciative of that statement. I think she is a very nice person. I am just worried about overwhelming her or something. About being too much on her. She again said feel free to email me any time outside of session. We’re happy we can do that and she again said even tho she isnt replying to us she does read. And that is obvious because she knows things in session that we’ve said in email before we say anything about them to her out loud.
I am just glad our therapy was a productive session.