Tag Archives: Voices

Friday therapy session

I was really looking forward to our therapy session yesterday. There was so much stuff going on. I needed to discuss a lot of things. And I did. Between us we resolved a lot of issues.
Eileen started off by asking about the internal distress, the dissociation, the internal conflict that was going on amongst us. She said she was very aware on Wednesday that I had said to her that the dissociation was causing us to not be able to function, that we’d missed appointments because of it. So we explored that a little bit.
I told her that I felt abandoned, by both her and Dr Barry. Both of them went on holidays recently. Dr barry is still on holidays. I told her that we’d missed our apt with Dr Barry, but on the day of the appointment parts of us wanted to go to it. But there were also parts that said no, pull back. Dont go. She’s abandoning you by leaving, so you can show her that you dont need her anyway by not going. Eileen said she could see the conflict going on for us. How the pain of being left, had triggered us into internal chaos. She asked me how old the part was that felt abandoned, I said about five or six.
She said then that its not surprising to her that we would be feeling that way. She asked me to remember that time, being five and going to bording school on the train, by myself, she said I had to foster dependence then, so even though I was overwhelmed and traumatised and distressed, that in order to keep going parts had to shut down, and just, get on with it. So that is what they are used to doing. That is how we live, that is how we function even now.
I told her that it is confusing because while she was gone, parts were counting down the days until she returned. Not everyone was doing that, but I was, and some others were, too. So some of us did that, while others raged that she was gone, some said she didnt care about us, and that they were done with her and with therapy.
She reassured me that she did care, which I knew anyway, but its always nice to hear that. She said that she had thought of us a lot while she was away, that the night before she left she’d had an email exchange with both Taylor and Allie, she told me that they’d been pretty scared and angry at her, and she’d talked to them about that and reassured them that she’d be back again and she’d be refreshed and more able to take care of us and be available and there for us.
It was a hard session. And now I need to do it all over again when Dr Barry comes back, because I will need to tell her what happened, why I missed my appointment with her. Not looking forward to that really if I am honest.
We talked a little about the voices and Eileen said that it sounded to her that we were just really distressed, and that the voices were probably parts trying to say what was in their head, what they needed, wanted, etc. I think she’s probably right. Once I acknowledged the parts and their wants-needs, they did seem to calm down, and relax a little bit.
I feel glad that we had the second session to process all of this stuff. It means I can now go and enjoy my weekend and I am not worrying and waiting until next week to try to get all of this out.

friday morning

I finally lay down and tried to sleep at around 2 AM. I tossed and turned all night long. Did not really sleep at all. Brought Nitro on the bed with me for a while, I always feel safer with him on the bed with me.
The voices are still there, but not as loud as they were. I am glad. I really get agitated when they start up. I’ll take any reprieve I can get from them.
Am at the basement club this morning. Its pretty quiet here. Todays an open day so there are a lot of new faces around. One of the staff is off this week so the other two are quite busy. There is usually a members meeting on a Friday but today is the open discussion meeting, where we pick a topic and have a discussion about it. Todays topic is hobbies. I’ve never gone to an open discussion meeting so it will be good to go and see what its all about.
I’ll be going straight to therapy from here later this afternoon. I should really eat some lunch as I wont have dinner till about 6 tonight. I might go grab something in a little bit.

I wrote this during a creative writing exercise

So we started a new creative writing group yesterday at the basemtn club. The first thing we did after a little bit of meditating, was we did stream of consciousness writing, and here is what I wrote about. We only wrote for five minutes. I did enjoy doing this and it has helped me immensely.

I have to say that dealing with psychotic symptoms is probably one of the most debilitating things I have had to deal with. last night the voices came back full force. loud, very loud. i tried to stop them, by doing the things they wanted by asking them to shut up, but nothing worked. Everything felt like it was closing in around me. I fought and fought hard but nothing I did seemed to work. I’ve been awake all night, battling the voices. Todays been a little bit better. But I still feel the after effects. The voices seem to have faded today. But somehow I doubt they’ll be like that for long. I thought the meds that I take for the psychosis would stop the being out of touch with reality. I am not sure they’re actually working. Who knows if they are. Voices are so scary. What they say scares me a lot. Especially when they are trying to tell me to kill myself, or saying harsh or critical things about me. It hurts. I hurt and nothing I do or say helps. I suppose I need to explore the voices a little bit more in therapy. I’m sort of afraid to bring them up sometimes. Not because I think my therapist cant handle them. Just because I feel stupid, or like I cant say the things out loud that they say to me. I think though that if we explored it a little bit more then maybe they’d calm down. I am not sure its just a thought but I think its definitely worth giving more time to it. I am probably going to talk to Eileen some more about it when she gets back from her vacation next week.

Poem-Disturbed

Seeing things
but are they there?
Really, am I mad?
Mad or not, I do see things
Bugs on my skin
Bugs in my hair
Fingers digging their nails in to me, clawing at my arms
Faces, blurred faces
Ever present throughout my day
Voices taunting me
Laughing in my head with that evil laugh
And I sit
And I freak out
And I waver
And I falter
And I am in pain
And I guess I am disturbed
Is this psychosis? I think so
But I desperately want an end to this inner turmoil
And I desperately want someone to see
To see it without my having to explain

Carol anne