I had a pretty good therapy session last night. We had to change the time of the session at the last minute, from the morning, to the evening time. Eileens mom fell and broke some of her ribs, so Eileen had to take her for x-rays and stuff in the morning yesterday, so thats why we ended up doing a session at 7 30 in the evening.
We had a long talk about Shirley, and what will happen to me if she becomes stronger and more active. I said to Eileen that I had been worrying this week about that…about whether I’d still be needed or not. Eileen said that she sees me as always being needed, because I am as close to the core as we have. Shirley had said to her in the last session that she felt that me and her were similar to each other in personality. She had said that of what she knows of me she thinks that I am most like her. Eileen said that right there proves that she needs me, that she has entrusted me to run the day to day life, and she’s always going to need me because she told her she didn’t feel strong enough to ever do that again.
We talked about dissociation and people in the system not sharing things with each other, keeping things to themselves, and kinda splitting off into their own camps and corners. We decided that over the next few weeks we’d work on lessening the dissociation and bringing more of peoples memories and experiences together so that they could receive more support, and maybe we could all support one another in the doing of that.
Liz and Alicia also had time last night, but I’ll let them discuss their parts of the session separately if they want to do that.
Therapy today was so interesting. I went in there feeling like a new person. I think that appointment with mark yesterday, and filling out the interest list, left me feeling a sense of hope, a sense of maybe i can recover…maybe i can get better and live a fulfilling life. Perhaps, just perhaps, i can become a productive member of society. I told Eileen about all my upcoming plans, to do singing, tandem cycling, join the gym, and do voluntary work. She could hardly believe it. She kept saying how i was so capable of researching things, of finding resources, and of using the resources i had to the best of my ability. I told her how i felt i’d turned a corner, i really feel like i’m in recovery mode, like i’m happier than i’ve ever been. Yes i still struggle. Yes i have a traumatic past, but that doesn’t have to define me. She started talking to me then about the healing vortex and the trauma vortex. She said that when we’re in the trauma vortex, we’re literally spun around and around, like a whirlwind. But its when we open ourselves up, and allow processing to begin, that we enter into the healing vortex. And that is where the true healing begins. When we are not trapped in our trauma, stuck there, going around in circles. I found that conversation really interesting. I want to research more about it. Eileen said that peter lavine who wrote awakening the tiger within writes a lot on it. I might buy that book because i think it would be a good read. I also talked to Eileen about how i’d come off some of my meds recently. The reason i brought it up is because dr barry congratulated me last week on doing that. She said how i’d achieved something huge. I didn’t really agree with her then, but i think i do now. Eileen asked me what had made it possible for me to come off of diazepam, and fenergan. I had a few reasons. Mostly my reasons were 1 that i didn’t want to rely on the medications, 2 that i wanted to be able to feel, not be numbed and deadened by meds, and 3 that i didn’t like the side effects of the meds and the addicting qualities they possessed. So all those reasons made it easier for me to come off of them. I had to do it slowly, but i did it. Im not longer on those meds. My life is really starting to look up. I am in a good place right now and i’m loving it. i’m about to embark on a new chapter of my recovery. I think it will take me to new heights. And Eileen agrees with me. She said i’d become much more open with her, which is true. Our relationship has reached an all time new level of trusting, and she’s really become that safe attachment that i never had. As i said to her today, i don’t even have the kind of attachment that i have with you, with my own mother. We’re on two totally different wave lengths. Eileen just gets it, well of course she does, she’s a therapist and she has studied to get where she is. But even if she hadnt studied, i think she’d still get it. i just don’t trust my mom to open up to her in the same way. She’d probably lecture me, shun me, if i did. I’m just really glad to be working with Eileen. She really is a true blessing.