Day One: Describe your system. What kind of system, how big, anything you feel is a good introduction.
Our system is large. Very large. We’re a polyfragmented did system. Basically, the short version of that is, we’re over 100 insiders. But in fact our system is very large indeed. We’re a trauma based multiple. There are many people in our system of many ages, with many likes and dislikes. We have people inside of all ethnicities, black, white, hispanic, you name it, we have it. Boys, girls, even animals, and angels…We are a ritual abuse survivor so that kinda complicates things somewhat. Some insiders are programmed, this was part of our abuse. If you’d like to know more, just ask?
In therapy the other day, Shirley said something very interesting. She said that from what she knows about me, i’m quite similar to her. In many respects and ways, i think thats true. In some ways it isn’t true at all, but i will list the ways in which it is. She said she thinks our personalities are quite similar, and if she was co-hosting, that she thinks i’d be the closest to having the kinda traits she possesses, and liking the things that she likes. So here are some ways in which we’re similar.
We both like to sing. In fact we both enjoy performing.
We’re both really determined. If we start something or want to do something, then we get very animated about it and don’t stop until we get there.
We are both very kind to kids, and we both like kids a lot.
We both love animals. Especially dogs.
We are both really resilient, i definitely think Shirley is resilient after our last therapy session.
And last on the list…we have similar tastes in what we like to eat and drink.
Hmmm, that is quite a lot of similarities when you think about it. i hope some day that we can get to know each other more and maybe make some decisions about things together. I’d really like that.
I’m still muddling through as best as I can. It isnt easy. but I wont give up. I’m stronger than my trauma history.
today i havent done much of anything. i was woken up really early this morning by rain pounding off my windows. i decided i’d get up, let nitro out, feed him, and then go back and lie down and watch a little tv. i managed to fall back to sleep for about an hour or so.
other than that, i didnt do much today. i was supposed to go to the basement club this morning, but when i saw the weather i decided against it. my home help was just here. she helped me cook a meal and we had a good chat. she’s really nice, and i get along well with her.
as for how we’re doing emotionally, things are up and down. we were struggling yesterday evening a little, and liz called eileen. however eileen wasnt in a position to talk at that time, but she did text her back, to explain why she wasnt able to talk and send her support and encouragement.
we talked to our friend on the phone…and i talked to my so, too. i always love talking to my so. she brings joy to my life and brightens my day.
I FUCKING HURT. I HURT PHYSICALLY. I HURT EMOTIONALLY. I HURT MENTALLY. I JUST FUCKING HURT.
I DONT CARE IF PEOPLE THINK IM A PUSSY WEAK ASS GIRL FOR SAYING SO. IM A DARK. IM NOT SUPPOSED TO LET MY GUARD DOWN. BUT HELL THINGS ARE SUCKY. THIS FUCKING MONTH SUCKS. I HAD TO DO REALLY FUCKING AWFUL SHIT FOR A LOT OF YEARS, AND, YOU JUST DONT GET OVER THAT SHIT. YOU CANT KNOW UNLESS YOU’VE LIVED IT. UNLESS YOU’VE HAD TO GO THROUGH TORTURE IN THE NAME OF SATAN.
I DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN FUCKING RITUALS. BUT I DIDNT GET A CHOICE. NO. NO CHOICE IS GIVEN TO YOU WHEN YOUR IN A CULT. ITS DO OR DIE. IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE YOU DO WHAT YOUR TOLD.
THE MEMORIES ARE TORTURE. THE PAIN IS SEVERE. THE TURMOIL IS FELT RIGHT THROUGH THE SYSTEM. IF YOU GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHAT RITUALISTIC ABUSE IS, I ENVY YOU. CUZ I FUCKING WISH I DIDNT. I WISH I WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A DARK, BECAUSE MOSTLY DARKS GET A BAD RAP AND A BAD NAME. BUT WE’RE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER INSIDERS IN THE SYSTEM, WITH THE EXCEPTION THAT WE’VE GONE THROUGH MORE, TOOK MORE FOR THE SYSTEM, HELD MORE OF WHAT THE OTHERS COULDNT FACE.
SO YEAH. LIFE IS A FUCKING BITCH. TODAY, I HATE IT. TODAY, I HATE THE WORLD.
THINK I’LL CALL OUR THERAPIST LATER TODAY. SHE’S ALWAYS GOT MY BACK. I CAN TALK TO HER ABOUT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. IT FEELS GOOD TO KNOW SOMEONE IS THERE FOR ME. MY PSYCHIATRIST ISNT HALF BAD EITHER. A LITTLE MORE DISTANT YES, I HAVE MORE OF A RELATIONSHIP BUILT UP WITH OUR THERAPIST, BUT I DO ALSO TALK TO DR BARRY SOMETIMES. SHE IS OK AS DOCTORS GO. AT LEAST SHE WANTS TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND US AND WHERE WE’VE BEEN WHICH I THINK IS GOOD. WELL I HAD BETTER RAP THIS UP. THANKS FOR READING IF YOU GOT THIS FAR.
Ok. A few of you had some questions for us. So I thought I’d answer them in this post.
One of our readers wanted to know if I, as the acting host age. The answer is no. Not any more. I could, if I wanted to though. But I dont. I’m happy to stay at 19. I wasnt always 19 though. When I originally came I was little, I grew with our body until we were 14. Then I stayed 14 for a really long time. A couple of years ago, after I was out here for a few years, I decided to age to 16. And then I stayed 16 for a few years. I then went to 18, with the eventual intention of going to 19. I managed to age to 19 last year. And as I said I will stay 19 from here on out.
The next question, can insiders age down? The answer is yes. But only if something prompts it. Like, for example, if they experienced a trauma, or a set back, something like that. Something that would prompt them to regress. Of course I’m only speaking for our system here, other system will work in different ways to ours. But for us, the answer is yes, insiders can age down.
Do we grow with the body? Not always. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. For example taylor has always been six, and will probably always be six. Same with Lexi. She’s always been six. And I doubt she’ll ever be any other age. But we did have one little, Darina, who was initially four years old for the longest time. Then she aged to six about 18 months ago. She’s probably going to stay six now forever.
If you have any further questions for us keep asking away, I can do follow up posts to answer them.