Day Eleven: How much control do you have over switches? Do you know of any specific things which cause specific alters to front?
Well it depends. Sometimes, on a good day the control is good. We can stop a switch mid way, or if things are generally good, we can function all day as the adult part, or in an adult part I should say. Only giving time which we set out for the kids. But on the worst days, our control is nill, zero. We switch easily and we call it roladexing where its like the revolving door scenario, we constantly go in and out and all over a creation. There are a few things which cause certain insiders to front. For example rap music causes darina whose six to come out, because she loves it. The sight of blood causes taylor whose six to pop out, as she often has hallucinations of blood. It really just depends. There are many more things that will cause a certain insider to front.
So our psychiatrist always has student doctors in with her when we talk to her. She has said in the past that we can say no, but I always feel awful about doing that, so I never do. Last Monday, a friend of ours, who also sees Dr Barry had her appointment. We were texting afterwords, and I asked her if the student had been in her session, because they’d been in mine. She said no, that it was just her and Dr Barry. Then I started to get uneasy. I wondered…is it because of our did that Dr Barry always has the students in our sessions? Is it because she’s trying to educate them on it? Part of me wondered if it was just the whole fascination of the did and switching and all, and she wanted them to see a switch? But to be fair, Dr Barry is not the type to gawk, or be fascinated, so I doubt that comes into it very much. But you know when you always have the students in the room, and then you hear others say they never have them, you start to wonder. Tonight in therapy I talked To Eileen about it. I told her how last Monday the guy who was in the room never said a word the whole time. He never said hello, or introduced himself to me. The only reason I knew he was a man was because Dr Barry told me that. It was quite unnerving and unsettling to say the least. I’d like a hello, i’m so and so, i’m a med student in such a year whatever year they’re in at least. Is that too much to ask for? Am I being unreasonable? I dont think so. Eileen said I should mention it to Dr Barry. Also because I am blind, I have to go on a persons voice. If they dont say anything, then I have nothing to go on at all. Plus I felt weird talking to Dr Barry about my inner most thoughts, when the student was sitting there listening intently. I know Dr Barry will have told him some of my story before I went in, but still. It feels intrusive to me. It feels like I am being analysed. I think I will mention it to her this coming Monday. It wont hurt to mention it and maybe it will help. What do my readers think? Wpould you mention it? Do you think I am being unreasonable?
Therapy tonight was very difficult. We were switching all over a creation so the session was a mixed bag. We had a very vivid memory of a drowning incident. It was so vivid that I couldnt get air into my lungs. Eileen had to bring me across the room to stand by the window and take in some air. She asked me if it was ok if she just put her hand on my back and I said yes it was. We stood there for a couple of minutes, with Eileen trying to ground me by telling me what was outside the window, in her back yard. Then she walked me around the rest of the room letting me touch objects in her office. Naming books off of her bookshelf, telling me what was on her desk etc etc. We worked a little on preparing for her vacation and she said she’d be available to do a check in during our usual therapy session time next Thursday. We’ll probably be in the hospital still then but we’re going to have a phone session. She also gave us two things from her office. An angel and a teddy bear. We will take those into the hospital with us as a tangible reminder of her. She was talking to Lexi and Taylor and she told them that when they need a reminder of her to hold the bear or the angel and think of being in her office. Of course taylor wanted her to just up and come into the hospital with us, and she spent some time explaining to taylor that she cant do that as much as she’d love to. Taylor was all like but your a nurse, you can just come in and be a nurse on the ward like you used to be. It was kinda sweet. We talked about the psychosis well Taylor did. She’s been having severe psychosis, voices telling her she’s going to be in a fire, to hurt us, to hurt doctor barry, and eileen. She said it is male voices telling her to do that stuff. So her and Eileen worked on that a little bit. Then there was a big argument between Lexi and Taylor because Lexi felt jealous that Taylor had a lot of time and she had none. And she wanted some so then Eileen talked to her for a few minutes. At the end of the session I came back out and Eileen told me she’d recieved a letter from Towards healing, the current organisation thats funding our therapy. The funding is going to continue from them until December, that gives us plenty of time to apply to Cara Nua for funding for our ongoing therapy. So it was a pretty good session despite the internal chaos and switchiness and craziness that was us today and I feel much calmer now about our hospital admission.
So, I just need to ask, because I am curious, but also because we’re being assessed next week to do DBT skills training, has any one of our readers ever done dbt? If your borderline especially, what does the assessment entail? Is there a lot of questions? Triggering questions? Usually did people don’t do DBT, it is not a treatment associated with dissociative identity disorder. Usually it is those who are borderline or have BPD that partake in DBT therapy. Our psych doc wants me to try it because she thinks I, Carol anne have traits of emotionally unstable personality disorder and so she thinks it may benefit me. That is, if they will take me on the course. They may not, because we are actively suicidal and having self harm urges. In fact our psych doc thinks they probably aren’t going to take us at this time. So all this is probably gonna be for nothing. But you never know. I guess what I am asking is…is the assessment for doing DBT very traumatic? Do they go into a lot of detail about your suicide attempts, and self harm attempts? I am just nervous that we’re going to switch during it or be very, very triggered!