Here is an excellent article on ritual abuse and mind control. A heads up, this is a very triggery article for survivors so be careful when reading it. I think it describes the phenomena very well and it is a great read. There arent a lot of very good articles out there that do justice to this awful subject but this one does.
june 21 is the summer solstace. it triggers me. it reminds me of so much bad stuff. so not only was it fathers day, but it was summer solstace too. double wammy. we tried to stay busy. i stayed inside a lot, i didnt come out much. not even when our niece and nephew came over. i was too sad and too scared. i hate days when i am real scared, and triggered, and there are tons of reminders of the abuse and of my past. ritual dates are the worst.
allie age 9
So far, the weekend is going great, except I haven’t slept. I didn’t pick up my med for sleep either. I had no way to pick it up. I was meaning to ask my sister to do it for me but then I forgot. So now it will have to wait until Monday.
Yesterday I went to my friends in the afternoon to pick up a Christmas cake she baked for me. Its a fruit cake. If the cake and coffee she gave me when I got to her house is anything to go bthen I am sure it will be delicious. I spent about 2 hours there. The taxi diver who drove me home was a little weird. I had to tell him I was blind and then he didn’t know where to go, I had to direct him which I thought was so funny since you know, I am blind? But anyway I managed to get home safely and Nitro jumped all over me when I got to mom and dads house. I hadn’t brought him with me since he’s shedding like crazy and I didn’t want to get my friends house all destroyed in dog hair.
Today we’re taking my niece and nephew to visit santa. Mom and my aunt are going with us, so it will be mom and my aunt, us, and our sister and her kiddos. It should be fun. We’re going to have lunch when we go there too. I told mom I’d buy her lunch for her for a treat. I hope we get some good pictures, if we do, I’ll share them here.
Tomorrow I’m planning on going to the movies with my P.A Joy. I plan on allowing the littles to pick a movie to see. I think they want to see either Paddington or penguins of Madagascar. They’re all excited to go. Plus we’ll also be exchanging xmas presents with Joy. We got her a gift card to costa coffee, and a bottle of wine, and we have some chocolates for her kids to.
I think its good that we’ve so much going on this weekend as it is winter solstice and that is a really rough time of year for us because of the ritualistic abuse we went through. So with so much happening maybe we can distract ourselves and not think about it too much and hopefully it will be over before we know it.
I don’t really want to write about this. But i will. I will because i need to get it out. I need to say it, to feel it, to allow myself to remember.
Todays a big anniversary date. It is the anniversary of our best friends babys birth. The day that phoebe was born, and killed. Killed at the hands of evil people. Killed when she was only a few minutes old.
I feel so raw. I witnessed that whole birth, and death too. Witnessed every single minute of it. I cant begin to let you my readers know how absolutely horrific it was. I think its the sound of the babys cry, and the smell of the burning that stays with me. It never leaves you, ever.
Our best friend was 12 when she gave birth to phoebe. 12 years old. Its not right. She was only 7 months into her pregnancy when she was forced to deliver her baby. Her frantic screams will never leave me either. The agony she was in. The evil laughter of those evil men is another thing that just wont go away. They didn’t care. I think they had no conscience. They cared only about evil and the doing of it.
We don’t ever talk about that night, our friend and us. It is just an unspoken thing between us. Its a wonder our friend isn’t dissociative, but to the best of my knowledge she isn’t. How she copes, i’m not sure. She has two kids now and she did say to me that their births were very difficult, reminding her of the baby she lost, and triggering all the trauma of that terrible night all those years ago.
Today, i want to honour phoebe. She lived. She breathed. She is thought about today by us. I want her to know she is loved. And she is not just a statistic or another death.
WELL…I GUESS YOU ALL KNOW I AM STRUGGLING. CAROL ANNE SAID AS MUCH THIS MORNING. WELL ITS TRUE. I’VE BEEN STRUGLLING FOR WEEKS NOW.
IM A DARK INSIDER, BEING A DARK MEANS I WENT THROUGH HORRIFIC THINGS, TODAY, OUR THERAPIST EILEEN SAID THAT US DARKS GOT A RAW DEAL, WE TOOK SO MUCH SO THAT OTHERS IN THE SYSTEM DIDNT HAVE TO SUFFER. AND ITS TOTALLY TRUE, WE DID.
WELL…LATELY I’VE BEEN SUICIDAL. I THINK ITS MORE THAN JUST A PROGRAMME, I THINK IM ALSO SUICIDAL IN GENERAL. I JUST DONT WANT TO LIVE. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE WHAT I HAD TO DO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE. I HAVE NO VALUE IN OUR SYSTEM. EILEEN SAYS I DO, BUT I DONT FEEL IT. ALL I AM GOOD FOR IS SEX, IF IM NOT BEING ABUSED, THEN I JUST DONT FEEL USEFUL.
I KNOW THAT PROBABLY SOUNDS RIDICULOUS TO THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE NEVER ABUSED. BUT…ITS LIKE I SAID TO EILEEN TODAY…IT WAS BETTER THAT I WAS ABUSED BY THE CULT, BECAUSE…THE ALTERNATIVE WAS TO BE IGNORED. AND BEING IGNORED IS WORSE THAN BEING ABUSED, AT LEAST WHEN YOUR BEING ABUSED, YOUR BEING LOVED IN A SICK WAY. YOUR BEING TOUCHED, SOMETIMES IT FEELS GOOD, BUT AT LEAST ITS CONTACT. EILEEN UNDERSTOOD. SHE SAID NEGATIVE ATTENTION IS BETTER THAN NO ATTENTION AT ALL, RIGHT? THE ANSWER IS YES.
BUT TODAY I HAD TO TALK TO HER ABOUT WHAT I’D BEEN DOING RECENTLY. I’D BEEN GOOGLING WAYS TO DIE, WAYS NOT TO BE FOUND WHEN YOU TAKE AN OVERDOSE, WAYS TO SUCCEED IN OVERDOSING AND BE SUCCESSFUL. I WAS UNDER ORDERS FROM SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, THAT I WAS TO KILL US. BUT…HERES THE THING. AFTER TALKING TO EILEEN TODAY, I DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. IM SO TIRED OF BEING HATED, I AM HATED BY MOST OF OUR SYSTEM. IM HATED BY MOST PEOPLE ACTUALLY. I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN HATED. I TRIED TO TELL THE SYSTEM TODAY THAT I WASNT GOING TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE ORDERS. SOME OF THEM DOUBTED ME. EILEEN SAID ITS NATURAL THEY WOULD, THEY’VE BEEN BURNED AND HURT BEFORE. NOT ALL OF THEM DOUBTED ME THOUGH. THAT FELT GOOD, LIKE I COULD PROVE TO THEM THAT I MEANT IT.
THERAPY WAS SO HARD TODAY. GIVING DETAILS OF HOW I WAS USED, HOW IT FELT, HOW I FEEL NOW, AND HOW I FELT THEN, ALL WAS REALLY DIFFICULT. EILEEN REASSURED ME THAT SHE WASNT PLACING ANY JUDGEMENT ON ME. THAT IT WAS OK TO BE HOWEVER I WANTED TO BE. THAT SHE FELT COMPASSION FOR ME AND SHE WASNT GOING TO JUDGE ME FOR WHAT I HAD TO DO TO SURVIVE.
SHE GAVE ME, AND SOME OTHERS OF US A MASSIVE REALITY CHECK. WHEN I WAS TALKING ABOUT DYING AND SUICIDE, SHE SAID TO ME, ARE YOU CLEAR THAT IF YOU KILL THE BODY, YOU ALL DIE? NONE OF YOU WILL BE LEFT, BECAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE ONE BODY, ONE BRAIN, ONE SET OF ORGANS? OMG BUT THAT SNAPPED ME BACK INTO REALITY QUICKER THAN I COULD BLINK MY EYES. PART OF ME KNEW THAT, BUT PART OF ME WAS SO MIXED UP, SO CAUGHT UP IN THE DOING, THE RESEARCHING OF WAYS TO DIE, THAT I FAILED TO SEE HOW I WAS HURTING EVERYONE INSIDE AND IF I SUCCEEDED OR FOLLOWED THROUGH, THERE WOULD BE NO GOING BACK.
YES THE SESSION WAS HARD TODAY, BUT IT WAS ALSO REASSURING. ITS NICE TO KNOW SOMEONE CARES ABOUT ME, ABOUT US. ITS NICE TO KNOW EILEENS ON OUR SIDE. ITS NICE TO KNOW SHE ONLY WANTS US TO BE AND FEEL HAPPY, THAT SHE WANTS THE BEST FOR US, WHATEVER THAT MAY BE.
CORA AGE 16