I was reading a post from another blogger friend. About people who come to your door and spout religious crap. Jesus freaks, we call them. They leave you with even more questions than you had before they got to your door. But heres the thing. I don’t believe in god. I don’t practice religion, even though I whristened a catholic. I lost all faith years ago. I guess I lost my faith while I was still being abused. I mean, if there really was a god, why would he allow evil to go on? Wouldn’t he stop it? Wouldn’t the people who do evil have to pay? I’m not sure they are going to pay at all. I know I hope they will. But the truth is they probably wont. And why if there is a god, do you have to wait until you die to pay? Why wouldn’t god make a person who does evil on earth pay on earth? It doesn’t make sense to me. I also gave up praying long ago. Praying never got me anywhere. It only left me feeling frustrated and sad. Because believe me I did pray. I prayed for the abuse to stop. I prayed people would not hurt me. I prayed for my baby to survive, but instead she died. I prayed for other children in my school who were being abused. I fucking prayed. But it made no difference at all. So now I don’t believe in god. If I am going togo to hell for that, then I’m ready. I’ve lived through hell already. Hell was the abuse I went through. 12 years of abuse. So I don’t think gods hell is any worse than that. The only thing I believe in are angels. That’s because I believe when your loved ones die, they become angels and I believe they are there to help us through life. Like as our guides or something. I dunno. All I do know is god is a joke. A fake. A fraud. And I don’t believe in him or have faith in any sort of religion.
You hurt me, really hurt me. Not just physically. But emotionally…mentally, sexually, every fucking way you can imagine, you hurt me. You caused me to split. My mind couldnt take it. So I created alters, insiders, to help me to cope. You caused that. It wasnt because I am crazy. It was because of your abuse. It was because of what you did. You caused my rages as a kid, you caused people to hate me. I hated myself. I shouldnt have hated myself. But its hard not to when everywhere you turn there are cruel gestures, words spoken, acts of cruelty. Everyone thought I was a liar, I was the crazy one. You were the liars. You stole my innocence. You stole my life. You stole my childhood. I hate you. I hate every last one of you. Some things that you did, I’ll never get over. How do you get over being almost strangled? Being almost drowned until you passed out and almost died? Being sexually tortured? Getting raped with objects? Having to participate in a porn ring? Being sold for money? How does a person get past those things? I cant. But some day you’ll have to pay. Some day. I know the truth. My close friends, doctor and therapist know the truth. And I am not beyond help as you always made me believe. Some day you’ll pay.
wrapped in silence she waits
to the sounds around her
she dares not close her eyes
she dares not speak
she tries to not breathe
for if she is to do any of these things
she fears what might happen
up the stairs footsteps come
stomp stomp stomp
she tightens in to a ball
fearing the sounds
slowly the door creaks open
oh no, he’s here
she dies a little bit more inside
as he crosses the room
another takes her place
ready to protect her at all costs
I FUCKING HURT. I HURT PHYSICALLY. I HURT EMOTIONALLY. I HURT MENTALLY. I JUST FUCKING HURT.
I DONT CARE IF PEOPLE THINK IM A PUSSY WEAK ASS GIRL FOR SAYING SO. IM A DARK. IM NOT SUPPOSED TO LET MY GUARD DOWN. BUT HELL THINGS ARE SUCKY. THIS FUCKING MONTH SUCKS. I HAD TO DO REALLY FUCKING AWFUL SHIT FOR A LOT OF YEARS, AND, YOU JUST DONT GET OVER THAT SHIT. YOU CANT KNOW UNLESS YOU’VE LIVED IT. UNLESS YOU’VE HAD TO GO THROUGH TORTURE IN THE NAME OF SATAN.
I DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN FUCKING RITUALS. BUT I DIDNT GET A CHOICE. NO. NO CHOICE IS GIVEN TO YOU WHEN YOUR IN A CULT. ITS DO OR DIE. IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE YOU DO WHAT YOUR TOLD.
THE MEMORIES ARE TORTURE. THE PAIN IS SEVERE. THE TURMOIL IS FELT RIGHT THROUGH THE SYSTEM. IF YOU GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHAT RITUALISTIC ABUSE IS, I ENVY YOU. CUZ I FUCKING WISH I DIDNT. I WISH I WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A DARK, BECAUSE MOSTLY DARKS GET A BAD RAP AND A BAD NAME. BUT WE’RE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER INSIDERS IN THE SYSTEM, WITH THE EXCEPTION THAT WE’VE GONE THROUGH MORE, TOOK MORE FOR THE SYSTEM, HELD MORE OF WHAT THE OTHERS COULDNT FACE.
SO YEAH. LIFE IS A FUCKING BITCH. TODAY, I HATE IT. TODAY, I HATE THE WORLD.
THINK I’LL CALL OUR THERAPIST LATER TODAY. SHE’S ALWAYS GOT MY BACK. I CAN TALK TO HER ABOUT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. IT FEELS GOOD TO KNOW SOMEONE IS THERE FOR ME. MY PSYCHIATRIST ISNT HALF BAD EITHER. A LITTLE MORE DISTANT YES, I HAVE MORE OF A RELATIONSHIP BUILT UP WITH OUR THERAPIST, BUT I DO ALSO TALK TO DR BARRY SOMETIMES. SHE IS OK AS DOCTORS GO. AT LEAST SHE WANTS TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND US AND WHERE WE’VE BEEN WHICH I THINK IS GOOD. WELL I HAD BETTER RAP THIS UP. THANKS FOR READING IF YOU GOT THIS FAR.
Therapy was hard tonight, we’ve been struggling a lot over the past week with body memroies and sensations related to trauma memories. This next two months are some of the worst months of the year for us. The flashbacks have been really bad lately especially for some of the younger kids inside. One child who is very effected is Lexi. Lexi is six, and she finds emotions really difficult to deal with. Well…we’ve been very emotional these past few days, so in turn, she’s finding that very tough. So tonight therapy we worked with Lexi. Lexi didnt actually come out, instead Eileen had me support her by doing some visualisation exercises, and talking to her inside, whilst reporting to her what was going on. Lexi kept saying that her address was the boarding school in dublin, so Eileen had me visualise our house here in Cork, and then she had me take Lexi by the hand and walk her around the house, touching things, doing things like shaking the wind chimes that are in my hallway, she had me get objects that mean stuff to lexi and show them to her, all in our mind. It worked really well, and I was able to stay present with Eileen whilst I did this. Lexi did try to come out at one point, but Eileen got me back, not because she didnt want to talk to Lexi, but because she wanted me to be able to support Lexi, since physically she’s not always available in between sessions. I agree that this is a good technique and I was able to do it too, which to be honest I didnt think I would be. Eileen said I have talents I never knew I had! She also did an exercise with us where she asked us to breathe in and out deeply, and visualise a colored light, we picked purple, which is her favourite color too, so she got us to visualise th e purple healing light going through our whole body. It was actually very calming. We worked also on breatheing deeply since part of our problem is body memories, where we are in the depths of a body memory, and then we become dizzy, and end up gasping for air. We become so dizzy that we will take in a huge gulp of air, afraid that we may not get any more. Eileen said this is all part of the body memory. She reassured us that the air is freely available in our house, and in her office. Nobody is going to deny us air. So it is ok to breathe it in. Thats the hard part, remembering that when the trauma memories hit. So we’re going to practice over the next couple of months, and I think it will get easier. With Eileen reassuring us that we’re safe, that the air is ours to breathe, I’m sure it will become easier in time. Eileen also gave us something to take home from her office tonight. She gave us a little angel. She said we could feel connected to her and her office when we held it. And we do. Its funny how an object can have such significance isnt it? This is a tiny angel, but the connection we feel to Eileen when we hold it is overwhelming. So all in all a good session tonight, lots achieved and accomplished.