just woke from a terrible nightmare. feeling hot, clammy, sweaty, scared, shaky, vulnerable…
ug i hate hate nightmares.
i wish someone was awake to talk with. feeling disorientated and dizzy and very strange…
just looked at the time. Its almost 4 30 in the morning. i dont think i’ve been asleep very long at all. why is my sleep always littered with nightmares? i just want a night where I dont have any.
but sigh…that is just wishful thinking.
I am feeling overloaded. My thoughts are racing. My mind is full. My head is full. Trying to use my coping skills to distract, but its hard to do that when everything feels quite overwhelming. Its so hard to try to do what my thherapist has taught me to do. If only i could hear her calm voice, sootheing me, she’s always so sootheing…
Its six AM. I havent slept. I spent almost 3 hours with my friend on skype, I enjoyed our chat. I browsed on facebook, when your bored, facebook helps. I cuddled with Nitro for a while on the bed. He didnt want to stay on the bed though with me, he went back to his own bed. Even my dog doesnt like my company right now.
I dont like being up when the world is asleep. Its lonely. There is too much time to think. Its dark outside. I dont like the dark, I’m scared of the dark. I did hear some birds singing though and its been raining too. I like to listen to the rain bounce off the windows. The rain is nice when I am not out in it.
In the dark
Things look so stark
We get weepy
Everything feels creepy
Our senses heighten
As we fight deamons
The deamons that haunt us
Day, and night
Oh how I wish they’d take flight
Being so afraid of the dark
Isnt just something that happens at age 3
Because right now its happening to me!
Saoirse whose 12
Everyones so nervous today. We’re literally jumping at every sound. We had a rough nights sleep last night. Since the latest batch of contacts, we keep thinking well some of us do, that people will come to our home and hurt us. We’ve made a plan in therapy, and we’re hoping that should anything happen that we’ll be able to implement that plan. Hopefully that meeting between dr L and dr B and our therapist E wont be too much longer and something can be done for us. Its hard to live in fear every day. Our therapist put it the right way when she said that we are unable to go into recovery until we’re free from the terror of the cult. Free from their grip. I have to wonder if we’ll ever be free. It terrifies me. It terrifies all of us actually. Us adults in our system try to reassure the littles that we’re ok. But how can we reassure them when we dont feel ok ourselves? As our therapist said, the younger insiders take their lead from the older ones, so if they see we’re not ok, then they wont be ok either. Its very hard to be ok though when there is constant unease floating around. E has said we can call should we need to, and we plan on talking to dr B about stuff on Thursday. Hopefully together we all can fix this and go on to live a normal life free from fear.
I really hate the night time. I become so scared and triggered that I am unable to sleep so then I purposefully stay awake. I find that I can sleep better during the early evening say from six PM onwards till around 10 PM. Right now its past 2 AM. I’m wide awake. Every sound is triggering me. I just had to let the dog out and I got so frightened. I let him out and then I locked and keyed the door, even though he was only going out for five minutes. When I hear cars outside, or if I hear anyone talking, I think that someone bad is coming to get me. I even take medication for sleep but that doesnt help very much, so I’ve asked dr Barry to take me off of it. Well I figure there is no point in taking something that isnt helping. I think this sleep issue is something we will need to bring up in therapy. We are working on the coping with trauma related dissociation book in therapy, I know that there is stuff on sleep in it. I think too that partly it is because certain insiders including me either are too scared to sleep or dont want to sleep, they want to do other things.