Tag Archives: Sadness

The shit hit!!

Just got off the phone with my mom. Things were going so well. Of course that didnt last. She just gave me a big lecture about overspending. She said she found my reciept for my groceries today and I am spending too much money on groceries. I spent 80 euro! I know, its quite a lot. But groceries arent cheap! What am I supposed to do! She shouldnt be reading my reciepts anyway, thats my own private business! She said she didnt mean to find it, that she stumbled upon it, but I dont believe her. I think she went looking for it and snooped at it out of curiousity. That would be fine if she said nothing to me but no, she had to go off on one and start yelling at me down the phone, triggering the kids to no end. I hate that shit! She then hung up on me, and when I called her back I told her if she was going to treat me like that then she’d better not phone me any more. I hate arguing and it is upsetting to me because we were doing so well lately in our relationship. Now she’s gone and messed things up! Plus I am worried because I have no money for a taxi on Thursday to get my new injection. I was going to ask mom if I could borrow the money from her until friday, but now I dont know if I should. Maybe I shouldnt ask her and just not go. Ring them and say I cant make it and can I go on MOnday instead when I’m due to see doctor Barry for my usual appointment. I think thats my best option. A few days wont make too much of a difference. I feel kind of angry, a lot of onxst, and just majorly upset right now. Families, who’d have them?
Carol anne

Feeling crummy this morning

I am tired of trying so hard to survive every day.
I am tired of hearing negative voices in my head.
The self harm urges are so crippling to me.
I am tired of remembering the abuse, it never seems to end.
Each new day brings new challenges and it doesn’t get any easier.
So tired of feeling so disconnected from my body and surroundings.
Fighting hard to survive, but don’t want to keep fighting.

Feelins, feelins

This morning I feel awful. My mood has dipped really low. My thoughts are racing. My mind wont shut off! I hate this feeling so much, it makes me want to run run run! Seeing doc barry in an hour…hoping she is able to give me some feedback and stuff. Kinda afraid she’s going hospitalise us, not really sure what her thoughts are but I know she knows we’ve been struggling for the past two or so weeks. If she doesn’t hospitalise us tomorrow will mark four weeks out of the hospital. Cant believe tomorrows the first of April? Our birthday is in April, not looking forward to it one bit. We’ll be 34 this year. Managed to take morning meds, almost threw up taking them. Managed to eat a bowl of cerial so thats a positive considering our ED is kicking our collective ass lately. Hoping your all having a good start to your Monday morning!
XX
Carol anne