everything is going downhill. i had a good evening with my mom and aunt. but now in the solitude of the bedroom i am crying. i am aching. i am having severe flashbacks. emotional overload. i miss my gramma so much. last week was her anniversary. she was 21 years dead. i couldnt acknowledge it last week. but now? Now its really really starting to sink in and hurt. i was so close to my gramma. every weekend during the time when the abuse was going on, i’d see her and we’d talk, not about the abuse, but talking to her, watching movies with her, it took my mind off of the horrific stuff going on daily during the week. then she got cancer and died. i still miss her every day. tonight especially. my aunt was talking earlier about a photo she put up on facebook. it was taken on the day i made my confirmation. she put the photo up on the day of my grammas anniversary last week. and tonight she was saying how none of her grandkids who are all on facebook liked it. that hurt me. i would have liked it but i never came across it. sometimes im not on there a lot and i miss some stuff that people put up. my aunt said she was shocked that all the grandkids would not like the photo. it hurts to think she thinks i dont care about my gramma because i certainly do care. i guess everything just hurts right now and its night time and i just really miss my gramma a lot right now. i’ll probably be ok tomorrow.
i want to rite. i want to tell you all something. i got my hair cut. i got 2 inches off of it. our sister did it. she’s so nice to cut our hair. she does a real good job too. she is a qualified hairdresser. i like when she cuts or colors our hair. it is special to us because its just us and her. sister time. i love that.
we got to have pizza yesterday. carol anne said we’d been real good so we were allowed to have it as a treat. it was hot pizza. it had jalapeno peppers on it. they burned my tongue. but it was good and i ate it anyway even if it was hot.
i like when we get treats. things are so hard right now cus grampa is sick. he’s dying. i wish that wasnt true.
i dont like it when people i love die. its sad. it makes me cry. it makes me sad and upset.
i heard on the radio a segment called jolly january. it was about finding something to make january more jolly because lots of times people have a hard time in january after the holidays. so for my jolly january today i’m going to take half an hour and read a kids book. we have lots of them. i like books. i like reading. im going to read on the kindle. i think i’ll read lucy rose series.
erika im 7
So I never got the chance to update last night on how my visit with our granddad went. So here goes.
I went with our mom and before we went into his house we stopped off at a store because I needed to buy some lunch and mom wanted to buy the newspaper for our granddad.
When we eventually got to his house he was in bed. He’s very weak. And he was in a lot of pain due to the hemoroids, but I think he’s just in pain and isn’t really saying anything. But I also think he knows that his body isn’t able to do things, like for example get out of bed, come downstairs etc.
He was in bed the whole time that we were there. The house filled up pretty quickly once we got there. There was us, and our mom, and our moms two sisters, and two brothers too. We all ate lunch that her brother made, if I’d have known he was doing that I needn’t have bought my own lunch. So we ate lunch of leak and potato soup and fajitas, which was yummy.
Our granddad managed to eat a lunch too which is good and we were all pleased to see that. We took it in turns to go up to his bedroom and sit with him and talk to him. He was very emotional and he kept breaking down. He is afraid I think which is natural. He knows he hasn’t long left to live and I think he’s just afraid of dying.
Our aunt came downstairs after sitting with him for a while and she told the rest of us that he’d expressed to her his wishes of what he wanted done once he passed. He wants to be cremated and he wants half of his ashes spread on his wifes grave and the other half spread on his parents grave. He wants all of his kids to do it together. He showed our aunt where is life insurance policy was and he told her where all the documents were and she got him to write down what he wants so there is no mix up about it. He does have a will and I’m sure its in there, too.
Its hard to think that pretty soon there will be his funeral. I don’t even have funeral clothes, I’ll have to try to get to the shops and buy something soon if I am able to.
I’m not sure if I’ll be going to visit today, probably not though. I don’t think our moms going and I wouldn’t go without her.
So its the weekend of a very significant ritual date…winter solstice. And we’re really struggling, a lot.
We went out today and did the whole santa thing with our niece and nephew. And for a while we were able to cope. But when we came home we crashed, hard.
Spent hours in bed, just..dissociating. It was not good.
Feeling a lot of really intense emotions now. Emailed our therapist Eileen last night, and, she replied today which she usually doesn’t do. That felt good. Its nice to know she is thinking of us and that she knows when to reply to something, but then again, she does always know when it is appropriate to reply to us.
Just really really wanting the rest of this weekend to pass quickly.