Tag Archives: Ritual abuse

Trigger flashbacks

its almost 2 AM. we cant sleep. we are having horrendous flashbacks. i feel so triggered. i can smell burn. i smell flesh burning. i feel sick. i want to vomit. i need to vomit. if i vomit maybe it will stop. i have to get it to stop. the littles are all crying. i feel like crying too. but i have to try to be strong. the kids need me, they need to feel secure in the knowledge that i am able to handle this. but oh my god i cant. im writing to try to get it out. im writing to release all of my emotions. then perhaps i can finally sleep. i dont know but i hope i can. why are nights so hard? its so unfair. when will we ever be free of the memories? why do they keep playing as if on repeat? i feel so alone. i tried to read a book. i c ouldnt concentrate. there is too much chaos inside. this is just a tough night i think. i wish the smell of burning body parts would go away. it is making me so nautious. it is making my head spin, i hate spinny feelings. i am starting to feel disconnected from my body. i feel lost…lost and alone in all this. i want to disappear into the wall or floor or something. i just want to disappear into nothingness. if anyones out there, i need you. i need someone to talk to. i think im about to go crazy from all this.
Carol anne

Cora in therapy today

I CANT BELIEVE I DID IT. I FUCKING DID IT. I TALKED TO THE THERAPIST. I NEVER IN A MILLION BAZILLION YEARS THOUGHT I WOULD. I MEAN THAT LAST THERAPIST WE HAD WAS NOT INTERESTED IN TALKING WITH ME. SHE CALLED ME A BULLY TO ANYONE WHO’D LISTEN. SHE SAID I WAS ABUSIVE, AND I WAS. BUT I HAD MY REASONS. I DIDNT LIKE HER. SHE WAS TOO FLUFFY FOR ME. SHE MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. BUT TODAY EILEEN SAID SHE WAS INTERESTED IN TALKING WITH ME. AND MY EARS PRICKED UP. I DECIDED TO TRY. I WAS ANGRY AT FIRST. I GAVE HER A RUN FOR HER MONEY. BUT THEN I DECIDED HELL I’LL DO A LITTLE WORK. SEE WHAT ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT IS ABOUT AND WHETHER I THINK ITS WORTWHILE TO GO TO THERAPY. I AM STILL NOT SURE. BUT I ENDED UP TELLING HER A BUNCH OF SHIT ABOUT MY PAST. ABOUT ME. ABOUT WHY I WAS CREATED, AND ABOUT WHO CREATED ME. YES THE CULT CREATED ME. I WAS CREATED SO THAT YOUNGER INSIDERS WOULD NOT BE ABUSED. I TOOK THE ABUSE. I WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK THE SEXUAL ABUSE OR ONE OF US AT LEAST. THERE ARE MORE THAN JUST ME. BUT I AM ONE OF THE MAIN INSIDERS WHO TOOK IT. EILEEN SAID IT IS TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE THEN THAT I’D WANT TO USE SEX AS A COPING SKILL. SHE SAID IT IS MY COPING SKILL. SHE ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT HAVING SEX, DO I LIKE IT, I SAID YES SOMETIMES I DO. SOMETIMES I INITIATE IT, THE CONTACT. IM NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT TO THAT. BUT SOMETIMES I DONT. LIKE WHEN WE WERE RAPED IN 2007, I DIDNT INITIATE THAT. IT JUST HAPPENED. IT WAS WHEN WE WERE UNDER PROGRAMMING. I TALKED TO HER ABOUT THAT TOO. AND ABOUT THE PROGRAMMING AND HOW THAT WORKS. SHE SEEMED TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT PROGRAMMING, I DONT KNOW WHETHER THATS CUZ SHE READ UP ON IT OR WHAT. BUT SHE KNEW. SHE ASKED DO I ENJOY SEX, DOES IT MAKE ME FEEL GOOD, IS IT A RELEASE FOR ME? I SAID SOMETIMES IT IS AND SOMETIMES IT ISNT. I SAID I FELT WORTHLESS AND IT MADE ME FEEL WORTH SOMETHING. LIKE I AM USEFUL. LIKE I AM SOMEBODY SPECIAL. SHE SAID SHE UNDERSTOOD. SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY THAT PEOPLE ONLY SEE ME AS A PROBLEM, THAT I AM MORE THAN THAT IN HER EYES. AND EVEN THOUGH I ACT LIKE I DONT REALLY CARE, THAT SHE THINKS I DO AND I WOULD FIGHT FOR THE SYSTEM IF I HAD TO. I DONT KNOW ABOUT THAT. SHE SAID SHE’S SURE I WOULD BECAUSE I PROTECTED THE YOUNGER INSIDERS FROM THE CULT ABUSE, WELL AS MUCH AS I COULD ANYWAY. SHE SAID IF I WANTED TO SHE WAS INTERESTED IN WORKING FURTHER WITH ME ON MY ISSUES. AND SHE MEANT EVERYTHING SINCERELY AND SHE WASNT SAYING STUFF JUST TO BUTTER ME UP. SHE DIDNT SEEM LIKE SHE WAS. BUT I SAID I WILL HAVE TO THINK ON IT. AND SHE SAID THERE IS NO PRESSURE TO DO THE WORK STRAIGHT AWAY. SHE ASKED ME IF I WOULD BE CONTACTING ANYONE AT EASTER. I SAID I DIDNT KNOW. I SAID SOMETIMES I HAVE TO REPORT BACK OR THEY’D COME AFTER ME. SHE SAID THAT MUST BE A HUGE AMOUNT OF PRESSURE ON ME TO HAVE TO DO THAT AND BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT. I SAID IM NOT THE ONLY REPORTER ALTER. I GUESS I AM KIND OF HAPPY I TALKED TO HER. I AM JUST NOT USED TO HAVING THAT EXPERIENCE. IM USED TO CAUSING PROBLEMS IN THERAPY AND HAVING PEOPLE DISLIKE ME. EILEEN SAID I MUST HAVE FELT VERY ALIENATED WHEN JOAN REFUSED TO WORK WITH ME. I SAID YES THAT IT WAS TRUE I DID.
CORA

Trigger warning poetry about SRA ahead

The night is so shrill
It whistles so still
Alone a girl creeps
As everyone else sleeps

She is trying not to make any sound
But she falls to the ground
Triggered, and panicked
As the flashes of memory hit

It is not now, but back then
Not 2014
Not the present day at all

As she falls apart
She listens to the beating of her heart
It is beating so fast
Then she hears the sound of glass

Is it real? Or is it a dream
It is hard to scream
She feels the blood drip
Is it hers, or whose
Its hard to get a grip

So many years ago
Evil men and women stole
Her innocence, her childhood
Everything that was good

All in the name of satan

This poem was written last night. Last night was the spring equinox, a big cult holiday. We were extremely triggered for the majority of last night. We were staying with our parents, so it was hard because we had no where to hide, except in this room, which we did. Today is a new day though. The sun is shining, we’re hopeful of a good nights sleep tonight. The night is over now…a new day has dawned and is half over. We’re safe, its 2014. Keep swimming, right? Keep breatheing, right?

Carol anne