Well, when we saw dr Barry yesterday, it ended up that she did not have the report done for the police. She hadn’t had any time over the last week to sit down and do it.
Thats ok though. It can wait.
I talked to her about our sleep and about the weekend that just passed. I ended up explaining to her more about the ritual date that just passed. She was really understanding about it and she really listened and took everything I told her on board.
It wasn’t a really long appointment like some of my others have been. I’d say I was in there for 25 minutes or so. I was glad as I wasn’t really able for a really intense appointment. I was too exhausted and I think she could see that.
Alicia also talked to her yesterday. She gave her a Christmas card which some of us had signed. I think maybe 12 of us signed it for her. Dr Barry loved it and thanked her for it. Alicia was so happy to give her the card. I think it made her day.
We don’t see her again until January 5th. So we have a two week break. By Jan fifth I am sure we’ll have loads to talk to her about, and maybe she’ll have that report done by then, too.
Tonight has been a struggle for me. I found it hard to cope but I am trying. I even went to my aunts with my mom for some drinks and a chat, a kinda chill out night of fun before Christmas. But I really struggled and found dealing with people difficult. My memories were invading my space and head and body and my emotions were all over the place. I haven’t struggled like that in front of family in a while. Usually I’m pretty good at hiding everything from them for the most part. They don’t see my struggles, I keep a mask firmly in place, I don’t talk about what is going on for me with them. The only thing they do know is that I will be seeing Dr Barry tomorrow or now its today as its almost 4 30 AM. Again I cant sleep. I know I should have made more of an effort to get my five days worth of sleep meds, that is my own fault that I didn’t do it and now I am suffering the consequences because I didn’t. Thats ok though, I’ll be ok. I’ll eventually sleep I suppose. I really cant wait until its morning. It feels like this night is neverending and will never end. Rationally I know it will but my emotions take over and thoughts and partly I feel like spacy and sorta dissociated and floaty, foggy, unreal, like if I blink I’ll float away or something. Its a really disconcerting feeling. I don’t like feeling this way. Luckily I was able to email Eileen and update her on how things are for us and tomorrow I’ll be able to talk to Dr Barry about stuff. That always helps. I’m also nervous because Dr Barry has probably written the report for the police, the one where she talked about our diagnosis and treatment plan and outcomes, and where she stated to them that no, in fact we don’t have an intellectual disability. I know she’ll be sensitive to our needs and if I tell her that I don’t like something thats in it she’ll take it out. I guess with the night that it is, and my triggers around that and also the police, I’m just in a heightened state. Once she reads it to me I’m sure it will be easier and I’ll feel more at ease about what is in it and stuff. I hope so anyway. Just muddling through as best as we can right now…
So its the weekend of a very significant ritual date…winter solstice. And we’re really struggling, a lot.
We went out today and did the whole santa thing with our niece and nephew. And for a while we were able to cope. But when we came home we crashed, hard.
Spent hours in bed, just..dissociating. It was not good.
Feeling a lot of really intense emotions now. Emailed our therapist Eileen last night, and, she replied today which she usually doesn’t do. That felt good. Its nice to know she is thinking of us and that she knows when to reply to something, but then again, she does always know when it is appropriate to reply to us.
Just really really wanting the rest of this weekend to pass quickly.
So far, the weekend is going great, except I haven’t slept. I didn’t pick up my med for sleep either. I had no way to pick it up. I was meaning to ask my sister to do it for me but then I forgot. So now it will have to wait until Monday.
Yesterday I went to my friends in the afternoon to pick up a Christmas cake she baked for me. Its a fruit cake. If the cake and coffee she gave me when I got to her house is anything to go bthen I am sure it will be delicious. I spent about 2 hours there. The taxi diver who drove me home was a little weird. I had to tell him I was blind and then he didn’t know where to go, I had to direct him which I thought was so funny since you know, I am blind? But anyway I managed to get home safely and Nitro jumped all over me when I got to mom and dads house. I hadn’t brought him with me since he’s shedding like crazy and I didn’t want to get my friends house all destroyed in dog hair.
Today we’re taking my niece and nephew to visit santa. Mom and my aunt are going with us, so it will be mom and my aunt, us, and our sister and her kiddos. It should be fun. We’re going to have lunch when we go there too. I told mom I’d buy her lunch for her for a treat. I hope we get some good pictures, if we do, I’ll share them here.
Tomorrow I’m planning on going to the movies with my P.A Joy. I plan on allowing the littles to pick a movie to see. I think they want to see either Paddington or penguins of Madagascar. They’re all excited to go. Plus we’ll also be exchanging xmas presents with Joy. We got her a gift card to costa coffee, and a bottle of wine, and we have some chocolates for her kids to.
I think its good that we’ve so much going on this weekend as it is winter solstice and that is a really rough time of year for us because of the ritualistic abuse we went through. So with so much happening maybe we can distract ourselves and not think about it too much and hopefully it will be over before we know it.
I’ve been thinking lately…yes, i know, thats dangerous. But heres the thing. Some of my friends have been encouraging me to write a book. Tell my story. I’m not sure. Part of me wants to. But part of me is scared too. Would anyone read it? Would it be remotely interesting? Its not all sunshine and roses. Butterflies and rainbows. There are horrors in there that no child ould have to witness. Then there is the fact that i don’t think i’m a very good writer. Would i be able to gather my thoughts and coherently put them down on paper? I know you can self publish now on kindle. And, i’m seriously thinking about it. Because of having did it would probably not be an easy task to write a book. I’d have to include the insiders and their points of view, and thats ok, i’d want to do that. Not really sure still what to do, but really leaning towards trying it out. Has anyone got any tips? Experience of writing a book? Advice?