feeling so alone. triggered. emotional. my head is spinning, literally. Want to cry but cant. Hate this so much. Just feel so much emotion, ug.
So long time readers and friends will know I have a pretty intense relationship with my dad. Its always been that way. My dad, for those who dont know, is an alcoholic. He likes to think he isnt, but he damn well is. All of my childhood, he’s drank. In 2007 he got sorosis of the liver, and he gave up drink for four years but in 2011 he started again. Yes he drinks less now, but he still drinks, and when he drinks, he’s an asshole!
Yesterday morning, I got up, and went to the kitchen, I had been staying in mom and dads on Saturday night. I was sitting eating my toast, and I happened to mention to mom that I needed some groceries, and could she take me at some point? Usually my PA would take me on satuday morning, but this weekend I had to go to dublin so my PA didnt come on Saturday. So I said to mom could she take me, and she was like in a mood about it, and asked me what do you need? She said it in a way that was like “I dont really want to go” “Do you really need that much?” so of course I got snippy then and reacted by becoming irritated and snapped at her.
Immediately my dad started in on me…without warning. He said that I was treating mom badly, and I’m always treating her badly, which is totally untrue. He then went on to say that I was very bitter, I had an attitude, and was angry at the world. Hello? I’m angry at the world? Well yes! The world has been pretty fucking mean to me! First his drinking, his temper, then the abuse I endured, then the bullying, and on and on, you get the picture. Excuse me if I am a little angry because of all that.
When he’d finished calling me names, and saying things about me that werent nice, I was crying, upset, and ready to go home. I almost went home. Mom actually stood up for me even though I’d originally snapped at her. Later I apologised to mom and she told me just to not say anything around dad, that what he wont know wont bother him, and that if I needed her to go grocery shopping that she would, that all she’d been asking was what I needed, she didnt mean to sound like she was saying we shouldnt go.
Its too bad my dad wont deal with his anger issues, he’s always saying how I should give up seeing eileen and Dr Barry. He wants me off all meds. He says I dont have a mental illness. He says I just have an attitude and anger issues and its up to me to fix that.
Well, if I have an attitude and anger issues, I wonder where I got them from? Learnt behaviour? My family is so disfunctional that its not surprising I have those issues going on.
bubbling under the surface
its like a storm brewing
and when it boils over
all hell breaks lose
control is lost and anything is likely t come out of my mouth
in that state I am lost to myself
I don’t see reason
I don’t see rationality
all I see is rage and anger and unfairness and pain
Ro age 16