I don’t know if anyone still follows this blog. But I don’t update this one any more. I now blog over at therapy bits. The address is
If you want to follow me over there.
I’m still writing about therapy, about my life, about my dog, living with mental illnesses, etc.
I’m still doing what I did when I had this blog. So if you’d like to follow along, please feel free.
Yesterday in therapy we did a lot to work with some parts insiders. After I welcomed Eileen home, I told her how last week things were really tough for us, and how on wednesday I was very distressed, having heard both that my account with the taxi firm was to be canceled, that is, for my medical appointments, and also having heard that the school may not fund me for part transportation grant. I told her how it had really overwhelmed me and stressed me out, that I had cried a lot, gotten really anxious, emotional, almost to the point where I was physically ill. She wondered how that had happened, saying that usually I am so resourceful, and she was wondering how my coping skills hadnt kicked in, and how I’d become swamped, overwhelmed to the point that my stress levels got up to a 10 and I couldnt bring them back down. So we worked with it for a while. Well, it turns out there are parts, insiders, we call our insiders parts, anyway, there are parts who are really panicking about us starting college. Basically these parts are afraid it will all go wrong, and we’ll end up disappointed and hurt in the process. So they feel it would be better if we didnt go at all. Eileen and me figured out that they are helping or trying to help by trying to pre-empt what will happen. They think its their job to do this. Eileen told me to step back and try to show them that we are safe, and that I can deal with whatever pops up, there were also some younger insiders who were panicking about starting, in case we’d have a system collapse, or something else would happen to make me go inside and leave them to cope alone. I had to work really hard to reassure them that actually we are in a much better place now than we were the other times we tried to pursue education or training and that I would do my best to never leave a young insider to cope alone. I told them that if things got tough I’d either talk to Dr Barry or Eileen about it before things got to an unmanageable point. They seemed satisfied with this and eventually they calmed down. We focused a little bit on breathing but I wasnt really able to do the breathing properly. Eileen said she could really notice how difficult it was for me to breathe deeply and focus on the breaths going in and out. So instead she had me focus on a part of my body that felt strong at that moment. I was successfully able to do that. It was a really good session. It felt really good to do the work with the triggered parts. Like we got a lot accomplished. They are really starting to trust me and hear me which is key I think. Since I am the front runner, main front person and current host it is important that I show leadership and show the younger parts that we will be ok. Eileen did read to us but I will let allie talk about that in another post since she was the one out for the story with all the other young insiders crowding around behind her to listen too.
it me taylor
i be feling sad
i not sure why
my hart jus hurts
i fink it cuz i had nitemares
about my grandad
hes dead now
and i miss him
i wanted to tok to dr barry yeserday
but ther wasnt time
that maked me sad to
i lik dr barry
shes alwas nise to me
actuly shes nise to all us kids alwas
i hav a buny rabit that i snugle wif
her nam is nibbles
shes soft and has long ears
later today mabe i wil make a video
and i can post it here
if people want to see me and my buny rabit
wat do you fink
is dat a gud idea
YESTERDAY I WENT TO THERAPY. YES I DECIDED THAT RATHER THAN END IT AND DIE, I’D CHOOSE TO GO TO THERAPY AND SPEND TIME TALKING WITH EILEEN. SO I DID.
WHEN I GOT THERE I HAD TO FILL UP A FORM TO ALLOW THE ORGANISATION WHO FUNDS OUR THERAPY TO SPEAK WITH EILEEN AND OTHERS INVOLVING OUR CARE, THAT WAS EASY. THEN CAME THE HARD PART, WHERE I ACTUALLY HAD TO TALK AND TELL HER WHAT WAS GOING ON. I TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND WENT FOR IT.
I TOLD HER I’D BEEN SUICIDAL ON SUNDAY NIGHT. THAT I WANTED TO DIE. THAT I COULDNT TAKE ANY MORE OF MY THOUGHTS, OR OF LIFE IN GENERAL. THAT MY HEAD WAS SWIMMING AND I HATED HOW I FELT AND I WANTED OUT OF MY HEAD. SHE LISTENED. AND SHE ASKED ME TO EXPLAIN MY THOUGHT PROCESSES A LITTLE BIT MORE.
I TOLD HER THERE WAS TWO OPPOSING VIEWS. AN OVERWHELMED PART OF ME, AND A NUMB PART. SO THEN SHE ASKED ME
“CAN YOU STEP BACK AND BE SEPARATE FROM THE TWO PARTS? THESE ARE PARTS OF YOU, TRY TO STEP BACK AND ALLOW YOURSELF SOME SPACE AND THEN WE CAN HEAR FROM THESE PARTS”
SO I DID THAT. ALL OF A SUDDEN I SAW A ROOM. IT LOOKED LIKE A LONG SQUARE ROOM, WITH A COUCH IN IT, AND GLASS WINDOWS. I COULD SEE MYSELF STANDING ON ONE SIDE OF THE GLASS, AND THE TWO PARTS OF ME WERE INSIDE THE GLASS. I TOLD EILEEN THIS AND SHE SAID WE’D GO WITH THAT. SO WE DID.
WE DID SOME EMDR, AND SHE HAD ME TELL HER WHAT I SAW. WHAT I SAW WAS A LITTLE GIRL, ABOUT SIX YEARS OLD. SHE LOOKED LOST AND ALONE. SHE LOOKED SCARED. HER EYES WERE GLASSY AND SHE WAS CRYING. EILEEN ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GO AND COMFORT HER AND AT FIRST I DIDNT. AT FIRST I TOTALLY RESISTEED IT. BUT EILEEN PROMISED THAT SHE’D BE WITH ME IF I WENT INSIDE THE ROOM. THAT IF THINGS WERE TOO OVERWHELMING I COULD COME BACK OUT AGAIN. SO I DECIDED TO GO IN, GO OVER TO HER, AND PUT MY ARM AROUND HER. LIKE I SAID SHE LOOKED TO BE AROUND SIX. SO I WENT IN AND I FOUND HER AND BEGAN COMFORTING HER. I FELT LIKE SHE NEEDED SOMEONE OLDER TO REASSURE HER, AND THAT PERSON WAS ME. THEN EILEEN SAID
“THIS IS YOU AT A YOUNGER AGE, YOU ARE HER ALL GROWN UP”
OH MY GOD. I WANTED TO CRY. ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELT A HUGE LOSS. LIKE LOSS AS IN I FELT HER SENSE OF ALONENESS AND HER NEED FOR LOVE, FOR CARE, FOR CONNECTION. AND I SAID TO EILEEN
“I SHOULD HAVE HAD THAT GROWING UP! AND I DIDNT. AND IT HURTS. I DESERVED TO FEEL LIKE MY NEEDS WERE BEING MET. INSTEAD THEY WERENT AND I WAS BEING HURT.”
EILEEN REACHED OVER AND TOUCHED MY ARM.
“ITS OK LIZ, SHE SAID SOFTLY. ITS OK TO FEEL THIS WAY. YOUR DOING GREAT. YOUHAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL THIS WAY.”
I REALLY WANTED TO CRY BUT I DIDNT DO THAT. I FELT MYSELF BECOMING ANGRY BOTH BECAUSE I WANTED TO CRY AND DIDNT WANT TO ALLOW MYSELF TO DO IT, AND BECAUSE MY NEEDS HADNT BEEN MET GROWING UP. I TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT MY FAMILY FOR A WHILE. ABOUT HOW MY LITTLE SISTER WAS ALWAYS SHIELDED FROM EVERYTHING AND HOW I WASNT. HOW WE HAD TO CARRY THE WEIGHT OF EVERYTHING GROWING UP, ABOUT OUR DADS DRINKING, WHEN THERE WOULD BE ARGUMENTS AT HOME, WHEN THE ABUSE CAME OUT AND IT WAS KEPT ALL HUSH HUSH, EILEEN AGREED.
“YES SHE SAID. THAT IS A VERY VALID POINT. SHE WAS SHIELDED FROM SO MUCH, AND YOU WERENT.”
WE DID SOME MORE EMDR THEN AND WORKED WITH ALL THE FEELINGS THAT ALL THIS INFO BROUGHT UP. IT WAS A HARD SESSION. BUT I HAVE TO SAY I FELT ALL THE BETTER AFTER IT. EILEEN SAID I DID GREAT AND WE GOT A LOT OF HARD AND IMPORTANT WORK DONE. I TALKED TO HER ABOUT HOW WE’D DISCONNECTED LAST WEEK. SHE SAID ITS THE NATURE OF RELATIONSHIPS AND SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS BECAUSE SOMETHINGS RUNNING IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT THAT THEN WE FLAG IT AND IT GOES AWAY AGAIN AND THE CONNECTION COMES BACK. I SAID I HATED IT WHEN WE WERE DISCONNECTED, AND SHE SAID SHE KNEW THAT, AND HAD GOTTEN EMAILS DURING THE WEEK FROM YOUNGER PARTS ABOUT IT TOO.
I’M REALLY REALLY GLAD I DIDNT KILL MYSELF AND DECIDED TO GO TO THERAPY INSTEAD.
I’m hurting. I dont want to feel. But I am feeling things whether I like it or not. And I dont like it one bit.
My skin is crawling. My stomach hurts. My heart is thumping and my chest aches. I’m trying to breath like Eileen tells me to do. But its not easy.
I have such a hard time with breathing deeply. Most times I hold my breath when I’m scared or when the flashbacks hit full force. I went to the basement club this morning. I’m there now. It isnt helping and usually it does. I feel so lost.
This pain is unbearable. Everything around me seems to be unreal. I dont feel real either. Dissociative maybe. Parts are close to the surface. I cant switch to any parts because of being in the basement club where there are other people who dont know about the did. Oh my god this is so intense. I just want to crash and crumble but I cant. I must smile act happy and pretend to be ok.
Its all about pretending. If anyones around I’d appreciate some support.