So I never got the chance to update last night on how my visit with our granddad went. So here goes.
I went with our mom and before we went into his house we stopped off at a store because I needed to buy some lunch and mom wanted to buy the newspaper for our granddad.
When we eventually got to his house he was in bed. He’s very weak. And he was in a lot of pain due to the hemoroids, but I think he’s just in pain and isn’t really saying anything. But I also think he knows that his body isn’t able to do things, like for example get out of bed, come downstairs etc.
He was in bed the whole time that we were there. The house filled up pretty quickly once we got there. There was us, and our mom, and our moms two sisters, and two brothers too. We all ate lunch that her brother made, if I’d have known he was doing that I needn’t have bought my own lunch. So we ate lunch of leak and potato soup and fajitas, which was yummy.
Our granddad managed to eat a lunch too which is good and we were all pleased to see that. We took it in turns to go up to his bedroom and sit with him and talk to him. He was very emotional and he kept breaking down. He is afraid I think which is natural. He knows he hasn’t long left to live and I think he’s just afraid of dying.
Our aunt came downstairs after sitting with him for a while and she told the rest of us that he’d expressed to her his wishes of what he wanted done once he passed. He wants to be cremated and he wants half of his ashes spread on his wifes grave and the other half spread on his parents grave. He wants all of his kids to do it together. He showed our aunt where is life insurance policy was and he told her where all the documents were and she got him to write down what he wants so there is no mix up about it. He does have a will and I’m sure its in there, too.
Its hard to think that pretty soon there will be his funeral. I don’t even have funeral clothes, I’ll have to try to get to the shops and buy something soon if I am able to.
I’m not sure if I’ll be going to visit today, probably not though. I don’t think our moms going and I wouldn’t go without her.
If your easily triggered skip this post. Its just some about my ongoing struggle at this time of the year.
I sware…im in turmoil. I cant handle this night. Nothing bad happened. I went to my aunts as planned. But i left early to go home. I got upset and emotional and overwhelmed and i couldn’t cope.
Im not ok. In fact im suicidal. I hurt. My body hurts. And my head..o god my head it hurts, too. Im just one massive big ball of hurt tonight.
I don’t have a plan right now. But im thinking hard about what i can do. My mind is on overdrive. Im trying distraction techniques. Im talking to my angels. Im trying to think of people who i love and who love me and care about me and don’t want me to die. But damn, its freaking hard. What if i’m a burden on the world. What if the people who say they care about me really don’t?
Is anybody out there? If you are, i could use some friends to talk to. Im reaching out. Im suicidal, low, not coping, emotional, and very stressed out. If your out there, please let me know you hear me. I’ll be forever grateful to you.
“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery
So I wrote an email to our therapist after the session tonight. I shared a lot in it with her. Lots of trauma memories, that I just didnt have the words to talk about during our session. Sometimes, writing is easier for me because I can formulate what I want to say in a sensible way. I didnt expect a reply, because she rarely replies to emails. But just now I was reading my email and there it was, a reply from her. Short, but full of so much love. Here is what she said
Hi Carol anne
Thank you for sharing that with me. I have felt deeply touched and very connected to you in the reading of it. I no you have been through unspeakable pain and hurt, and am very glad you have allowed me have a glimpse of where you have been.
I really really needed that reply tonight. Thank you Eileen my wonderful awesome solid rock for knowing that I needed you and replying to my efforts at sharing some of my pain. Your the best!