I’ve been going around feeling quite dissociated today. Not sure why that is but its very concerning. My head is fuzzy. My mind is racing. One minute I am thinking about something intensely, the next my mind is a blurr. I’m finding that my concentration isn’t there and its become increasingly hard to try to stay present. I really hate this. Life feels so unbearable right now. I hate the fogginess of my mind, the intensity of my emotions. I just want to go home and not do any college work. I just want to relax and try to calm down. It feels so overwhelming. I have about another four hours before the day is over, and even then, it isn’t really over because I have to go see Dr Barry. Sigh.
everything is going downhill. i had a good evening with my mom and aunt. but now in the solitude of the bedroom i am crying. i am aching. i am having severe flashbacks. emotional overload. i miss my gramma so much. last week was her anniversary. she was 21 years dead. i couldnt acknowledge it last week. but now? Now its really really starting to sink in and hurt. i was so close to my gramma. every weekend during the time when the abuse was going on, i’d see her and we’d talk, not about the abuse, but talking to her, watching movies with her, it took my mind off of the horrific stuff going on daily during the week. then she got cancer and died. i still miss her every day. tonight especially. my aunt was talking earlier about a photo she put up on facebook. it was taken on the day i made my confirmation. she put the photo up on the day of my grammas anniversary last week. and tonight she was saying how none of her grandkids who are all on facebook liked it. that hurt me. i would have liked it but i never came across it. sometimes im not on there a lot and i miss some stuff that people put up. my aunt said she was shocked that all the grandkids would not like the photo. it hurts to think she thinks i dont care about my gramma because i certainly do care. i guess everything just hurts right now and its night time and i just really miss my gramma a lot right now. i’ll probably be ok tomorrow.