Day One: Describe your system. What kind of system, how big, anything you feel is a good introduction.
Our system is large. Very large. We’re a polyfragmented did system. Basically, the short version of that is, we’re over 100 insiders. But in fact our system is very large indeed. We’re a trauma based multiple. There are many people in our system of many ages, with many likes and dislikes. We have people inside of all ethnicities, black, white, hispanic, you name it, we have it. Boys, girls, even animals, and angels…We are a ritual abuse survivor so that kinda complicates things somewhat. Some insiders are programmed, this was part of our abuse. If you’d like to know more, just ask?
We’ve got quite a busy morning ahead of us. Our P.A Joy is coming, to take us to get our lip and eyebrows waxed. I dont particularly like getting that done, but I need to get it done so I’ll grin and bare it. Afterwords I think I might go to subway and treat myself to a foot long, with cheese, bacon, peporoni, chicken and south west sauce on it. Thats my favourite subway sandwich. Tomorrow I’m going away for the weekend with our mom and lil sister. We’re going to west cork, to a hotel until Sunday. We payed 190 euro each, but its all in aid of a good cause. All of the money is going to a local breast cancer charity and the hotel put on this fabulous girls weekend, for women only. There’s going to be lots of entertainment, including a banquet on Saturday night, and a disco with a dj, and a mentalist on the Friday night, and cookery demonstrations on the Saturday afternoon, and also on the Saturday afternoon we’re booked in for a facial each. So it should be a good weekend and I am looking forward to it. Our dad is going to look after Nitro for me. I went with our mom to buy his dog food yesterday and I was sure to get my loyalty card stamped. Now I only need one more stamp, and I’ll get a free bag of food. I was exhausted last night after therapy, and I slept like a log. I mostly always sleep well the day of therapy. I think its all the hard work that drains me.
We went to therapy this morning. We were really not feeling great on the way there. There had been terrible storms last night, and they’d left us feeling scared and anxious. When we got there we first talked about the session with Dr Barry last Monday. Eileen said she had gotten my text about it. I told her how I’d said to Dr Barry that I felt I was wasting her time, since in the last session I couldnt really articulate what it was that I was feeling, I couldnt get my words out. She asked me if that ever happened again, could I please let her know that I was feeling stuck, and she’d help me to recover. So I said I would try. After that we talked a little about my childhood. She asked me if there was anyone who protected me or nurtured me when I was growing up. I had to think for a minute, but then I said yes, there was, my gramma on my moms side of the family. I’d been really close to her and spent a lot of my childhood visiting her and she was special to me, as I was to her. She was always very protective of me and caring, she wanted to know about my life, and she would always ask me lots of questions about what I was doing in school, etc. Of course I never told her the truth about what was going on, but I was glad all the same that someone cared, and was interested in me. Eileen asked me to call up the memories of her and to tell her what I felt. So I did and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Then out of the blue, Eileen asked me if it would be ok if she gave me the pulsers, the pulsers are part of what you do when your doing EMDR. I felt a little uneasy but I decided to try and so I said yes she could give them to me. While I had the pulsers we worked on the memory of my gramma, she asked me lots of questions about her, and I was able to bring up a lot of good memories of her. Then Eileen asked me if we had anywhere inside that was a safe space, and I said yes, we have a safe room inside where the kids usually go if something triggering is going on, or we have to do something that makes them feel unsafe, we send them there. Eileen said we could bring our gramma inside, into that safe place. So we worked on doing that. We created a special rocking chair, with pillows all around it, and she said when we needed nurturing, that we could call on our gramma. She asked us if there was anything else that we needed to bring in to the room, so that we could better visualise our gramma, and I said yes, there was, so we brought in the movie collection that our gramma had, we used to watch movies with her at the weekends. So we made a space in the safe room for those, too. That was a lot of work, and I was feeling exhausted afterwords. I also felt very very connected to eileen. But something was missing. It was physical connection. So I said to Eileen, would it be ok if she sat by me, because I need to physically feel her presence. She said of course, and came over to sit with us. She asked me if I’d like her to hold my hand and I said yes I would. So she took one of my hands in both of hers. And we just sat and talked for a while. We talked about my eye color, and Eileen said I have striking eyes. They are green, I didnt even know that! She said I was very pretty and I had to laugh then. I said my mom had recently said similar things to me about being good looking and pretty and that I’d felt weird then. But funny enough I didnt feel weird at all when she said it to me, I felt loved, I felt safe, i felt warm and protected. We talked some more and Eileen said how I’d been on my own for far too much of my life, and that I had her now, and I didnt need to feel alone any more. She would be there to support and help me through hard stuff. By this time, lots of the other insiders were clustered all around me, all wanting a piece of the action. Then all of a sudden eileen said would it be ok if we made a room inside and it could be a place where I could come and be with you all. I said yes I’d like to try that. So together we started working on a room, we made it kind of like her office, but with remote control blinds on the windows, that could make it any way we wanted, dark or bright, night or day, etc. Then we had a rocking chair put in the room, and a statue of a lion, because lions are very protective. We put the statue behind the chair where Eileen would sit, if we needed her. Obviously Eileen isnt really inside with us, but if we need her, we can go to that room and call on her, and since we had created it together it would be even better, work better I mean. We put book shelves in the room, so that she would be able to read to the kids. We also put a nice garden outside the window of the room. And around the room we put angels, crystals, and other healing sorts of things that we know eileen likes. When we were creating the room, we used the pulsers again and it worked like a treat. I have to say we did a lot of hard work today. The session flew by so quickly, and before I knew it it was time to leave. I feel like it was a very productive session. And most importantly I feel like I trust Eileen even more now, I feel so connected to her in every way now too. Carol anne