june 21 is the summer solstace. it triggers me. it reminds me of so much bad stuff. so not only was it fathers day, but it was summer solstace too. double wammy. we tried to stay busy. i stayed inside a lot, i didnt come out much. not even when our niece and nephew came over. i was too sad and too scared. i hate days when i am real scared, and triggered, and there are tons of reminders of the abuse and of my past. ritual dates are the worst.
allie age 9
So as most of my readers know, I have dissociative identity disorder. Initially I was diagnosed with it in 2001. My then psychiatrist diagnosed me initially, along with the therapist I was seeing back then. In fact the therapist I was seeing is the one who first knew something was very wrong. She’d been recieving emails from the alters, this was before any of them even started coming out in our sessions. She did talk to a few of the child alters too. She is the one who said we needed to be assessed for a dissociative disorder. When we were assessed in 2001 she came with us to the assessment. After we were diagnosed our then psychiatrist left shortly after diagnosing us. We started with a new, male psychiatrist. For years we saw him and he did know but he never really treated the did just medicated us and sent us to anxiety management, relaxation group, got us in with a community psychiatric nurse, etc. Then in Marchh 2005 during one of our appointments I came out to him, I told him I wasnt Shirley that it was actually me Carol anne. After that he was great, and made a point of getting to know the insiders, and eventually, when we were hospitalised in 2006 he tried to make the nurses in the hospital accept our did and treat us as separate people. Unfortunately that didnt go very well though. Mostly the nurses in the hospital have a hard time accepting the did label. That psychiatrist left in 2007 and we started with a female psychiatrist. I should also say that while we were under the male psychiatrist he had looked into getting specialist treatment for us for our did. He looked into a few inpatient hospitals in the UK, but none would take us due to our other disability of blindness. When we started with the female psychiatrist in 2007, we also started with a new therapist. We saw her for four and a half years. In a lot of ways she was bad for us, but she also did a lot of positive things for us, including getting us some funding to have a formal diagnosis done by did experts. The did experts came over to diagnose us in December 2010. We spent a day being assessed, doing interviews, and filling out questionaires. We did the structured clinical interview for dissociative disorders too. From all the interviews and questionaires, a report was made up and we were diagnosed with did. We stopped seeing the therapist who helped us get the did diagnosis in 2011. It was purely our decision to stop seeing her, she had no boundaries, the relationship had become unhealthy, and we were not progressing in therapy. We started seeing Eileen who is our current therapist in 2012. And we’ve been with her ever since. She has worked as a psychiatric nurse for 27 years, is trained in EMDR, has her bachelors in counselling, and a masters in treating trauma survivors. So she is very well trained. We’re still seeing her to this day. We also started with Dr Barry our current psychiatrist in 2013, after the last one left to go to Australia. Dr Barry is an amazing psychiatrist, she is compassionate, a great listener, great at her job, warm, kind, caring, intelligent, shows concern, empathy, is emotionnally always available, and most importantly is real. She treats all of us not just our host. She will talk to any of us about absolutely anything. She is not afraid to show her emotions either which I like. So that is how we were diagnosed with did, in a nutshell.
So you remember I told you I have dissociative identity disorder, and that means I share time, and my body, with other alter parts insiders? Some days it gets real loud in my head! Well tonight is one of those times. One of my alters named Liz, who is 25, wanted to share a song she really likes. A little background on Liz…she’s outspoken, sarcastic, and when she’s angry, stay out of her way! Well, this is one of her favourite songs, tonight she’s had it on repeat. Enjoy! And Liz says peace out to all of our followers! 🙂
Continue reading Say it with a song-My give a damns busted!
Today was a very busy day. I was up since 6 AM. I had an appointment with our OT Mark at 8 15. The weather was really bad this morning, we had heavy snow over night and the roads had frozen. So the traffic was crawling and as a result my taxi was late gettint to me to bring me to my appointment. I texted Mark to say that I was on my way and that my taxi was late and I’d be a couple of minutes late. I’d no sooner sent it and my phone rang, it was Mark. He’d mixed up the days and thought we were meeting tomorrow morning. Luckily he works in the locked psychiatric secure unit and thats not far from the out patients hospital so he was able to drive to meet me. Its a good thing he wasnt still in bed or at home! So when we met we did more goal setting. I have 3 new goals for the next month. The goals are
1 Go to the gym at least once a week for a month.
2 Look into applying to the National council for the blind to volunteer with them, check out their website, and talk to someone there about the application process
3 I’d said that I wanted to do some baking with my P.A so my goal is to source at least two recipes that I think I’ll be able to make, and to look into buying the necessary equipment to make the recipes, like baking trays, measuring cups, etc.
After we finished with the goal setting we talked about my lack of motivation around exercise. Mark is really into his sports and used to train a lot so he gave me some tips. He said I should focus on the process, and not the end result. That its the actual process that will get me the results. I hadnt thought of it like that before! He also said if I set a specific time, day of the week, then I am more likely to get into the frame of mind that that is my exercise time and even if I dont feel like it I’ll probably go.
After the appointment with Mark I went with the clinic nurse to get my xeplion shot. I am always apprehensive about the shot but it didnt hurt at all. The nurse is very skilled at giving them and she always gets us to take a deep breath in, and then do deep breathing as she administers it.
Then came my apt with Dr Barry. We had a great session today. I talked about possibly aging up to 21. She asked me about my history of being specific ages, as I havent always been 19, in fact there was a time when I was only 14, and I didnt have the responsibility that I have now running the system and stuff. She asked me how would aging to 21 impact on me psychologically, how would it impact on me from day to day. I told her that I’d hope that my decision making skills would be enhanced, and that I wanted to learn to support the younger insiders more and that me and Eileen have been working slowly in therapy on me doing that. I’m still thinking about it and I havent decided fully yet whether I will age or not. We also talked about the medications for treating nightmares. I had the names of some that my friends gave me and I gave them to her. She recognised them and said she’d look into it more. She asked me how I was doing with the increase in the lyrica and I told her it was going fine and I wasnt having any problems. We talked about me possibly pushing Shirley out in therapy this week…just because I think she needs some time with Eileen, and she rarely comes of her own accord, she needs the help to come forward in the body. Dr Barry asked me if it took a lot of effort to bring Shirley forward and I told her the effort is in trying to fill her in on the goings on of our daily life as that can be draining on me. I asked Dr Barry if she’d be willing to talk to Shirley some time soon too, as I now feel that I trust her fully and I feel totally at ease and safe with her and I feel that its now safe to allow her to get to know Shirley. Before we were protecting her just in case something bad happened or went wrong or something. She seemed pleased that I’d agree to this now and she said sure, she’d love to talk to Shirley. We then got on to talking about me never knowing what it felt like to be 34, shirleys age. I was telling Dr Barry that if you came into my house, you’d never think a 34 year old lived there. The house is full of toys, kids movies, art supplies, music that teenagers like, there isnt much adult things in our home. She thought this was very interesting and I suppose I hadnt ever thought about it really but Dr Barry said that its possible that the reason the police thought we had an intelectual disability was because of that very reason. That does make sense I guess. I’m so used to living this way that I dont really pay much attention to it. Nobody in my immediate family or friends comments really. Every so often my niece will say how come you have toys, but thats not often and usually I just say because I need them for when you come over to play. I remember one time an ambulance came after an overdose we had and the paramedic was convinced I was hiding kids in the house, she kept asking me wheree are the kids that live here. She would not believe that there wasnt any kids in the house. She literally searched high and low for the children and eventually when she was satisfied that I wasnt lying to her she just said what are all the toys for…and I then had to explain I had did. I was explaining all that to Dr Barry today. So by the time we were done with all that talking a whole hour went by. We made another appointment for next monday morning.
I came home then and after eating lunch I went to bed for a couple hours. I was so exhausted. So thats been my busy day.
Day Twelve: What’s the worst thing you’ve woken up to finding out your alter’s done? What’s the best?
One time I woke up lying in a pool of vomit. One of my young insiders whose 12 had overdosed on all of my meds. We’ve had more than one overdose but this one was particularly bad. I remember crawling to the bathroom and trying to pull myself up to the toilet bowl to puke. It was awful. I remember trying to grab the phone to call my mom for her to come and help me. I was lucky. That overdose landed us in the medical ward for a week.
The best thing that has ever happened to us by an insider was when my child parts got to play with their friends in another did system as my partner is multiple also. When we visited them in America they all got to hang out. The teens and adults did too, but the expressions and ways that it impacted on the child insiders was amazing to watch. They were in awe. It was like they were free to be themselves without anyone impinging on them. It was so lovely.