I’m so very happy. This morning I’ve gotten some real good news about school. Remember the other day I wrote about the transportation crisis? And how the school said they werent sure if they’d be able to pay for my funing, well part of it? They were meant to pay 100 euro and I’d pay 50 euro per weeek. Well, today the manager phoned me. He said he’d spoken to the department and he’d secured the funding. So its all worked out. I’m so delighted. Thats one less things to be worried about now. And it means I can start and my start date is the 7th of September. And it means I’ll be going and learning, getting up every day to do something, instead of staying home and doing nothing. I am thrilled. Life is good. I’m so excited to start. This morning mom took me to do some route familiarisation around the college. That went really well. Mom is great at giving me directions and instructions and showing me what I need to do. The instructor was there too, she showed us the different rooms we’ll be using. She said though that I wasnt to worry as there would always be someone around, so if I get lost or cant find something to ask and someone will show me. I’m very happy. Thanks for all your good vibes prayers and good thoughts. They all really helped. > carol anne
Day four: a person who loves you?
My mom. Despite everyting, she does love me. She shows it in many ways. Like for instance, when she helps me around my house, or gives me advice to make me feel better, or takes my side when my dad is arguing with me, or when she helps me with things like clothes shopping. My mom is not very affectionate, but occasionally she will hug me or kiss me just not very often. Its nice when it happens though. I know in her heart she loves me and would do anything, walk to the end of the earth for me.
I havent written anything here in a while so I thought its time I tried.
So far this weeks been pretty good. I had a doctors appointment yesterday which went really well. My diabetes was reviewed and it turns out its pretty well controlled…my blood sugars over the last 3 months have been great. I also got an ECG and that was fine, my feet were fine too. I’m still struggling with my weight and trying to lose it. I see my nutritionist tomorrow for my weekly weigh in and appointment.
Nitro is having his teeth cleaned on Tuesday. Nitro is my guide dog. I have to have him at the vet for 9 AM. He’s going under general anastethic to have them cleaned. I’m not looking forward to that. Am pretty nervous actually about it.
No plans really for the upcoming weekend. Will hopefully just have a chilled out one. Do need to do my grocery shopping on Saturday and my moms going to help me do that.
Mothers day is in march and me and my lil sister are taking mom out for a meal and both putting money together to buy her some flowers. We were going to just get one card between us but then we both decided to get her a card each. She knows about the meal but she doesnt know anything about the flowers and we were thinking we may each give her a little gift too.
Well thats it from here. Will write again soon.
This past few weeks has been particularly hard for us. That is because during this month 19 years ago, some of our abuse was brought to light. We do love the xmas season and xmas in general now, but it has taken years to get to this point. The abuse came to light when we were 14. Basically what happened was our then art teacher realised something wasn’t right with us, she noticed we’d become really withdrawn in class, we never said much, too afraid to be found out I guess. But anyway, she noticed. And one day in that December 19 years ago, she sat us down and asked us were we ok. What was wrong. And we felt like falling through the floor. We didn’t want to tell her anything. We were so scared of anyone finding out the secrets we had to keep. But she gently kept talking to us, encouraging us to speak to her. And eventually we did. All we said was…
“Someone touched me”
Three simple little words. That said so little yet so much. Those 3 words let her in a little bit, let her know that no, we weren’t ok. In fact we were slowly dying inside. We needed help. She encouraged us to go straight from school and phone our mom. And we did. Our mom was not much help though, not really grasping the horror and extent of what we were trying to tell her. She asked us if she could speak to one of the care staff who was on duty. Once she did, and it was established that we had been abused in some form, the head nun in charge was told. She asked our mom to come to the school the next day.
So the next day our mom travelled the 200 miles to our school and was interigated by the head nun. She was told how she needed to get help for us, how psychologically damaged we were, that we had severe emotional and behavioural problems. Of course we didn’t, but well…the truth had just come out, a little, and the school needed to try to focus on me, so as not to make themselves look bad.
I’ll never forget our moms reaction though. I asked her on the way home…
“Do you believe me?”
And she said…
“I’m not sure” “I don’t know”
Six little words that devastated me. Six little words that had a profound effect on our subsequent relationship ever since that awful day.
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over our moms rejection and not quite knowing whether she believed our story or not. It hurts. It hurt me to know that my own mother refused to hear me, to help me. It fucking hurt.
So 19 years on and I am struggling tonight. The memories of that time haunt me. They creep in and tear at me and leave me breathless.
Today I had a talk to our mom. She started it. At first I felt really uncomfortable but as the discussion progressed it got a little easier. She asked me how I felt about being out of the hospital now. I said I felt good. I was glad I was home. But that I thought the report that Dr L is going to do up will reflect really bad on us. She asked me why did I think that. So then I had to tell her what occurred at the locked ward, all the things that happened there with us and to us that were so out of our normal character. She said what things? And so I had to tell her. In the middle of me telling her our lil sis came cause she was dropping mom to the shopping centre for some groceries so our talk was cut short, but later after dinner mom picked it back up again. I didnt think she would to be honest…but she proved me wrong. I found out today just how much mom really does care. She just cant fathom our mental illness. Its very hard for her. She’s not had a great education, having had to leave school at 11 years old. She’s never been to college. She knows little about mental illnesses. I asked her does she understand the did, the way dr Barry explained it to her? She said not really but she’s trying. She said she knows we have a severe mental illness. She went on to say that I’d have to try and prove the psychiatrist wrong and show him and dr Barry that we actually can live alone. I said that is going to be hard since Dr Barry is looking for this psychiatrists opinion. She wouldnt have sought a second opinion if she believed we werent vulnerable would she? Mom asked if I felt scared on the nights that I’d been home this week. I said yes, somewhat. But I’d managed by doing things like calling a friend, emailing our therapist, blogging, or other distractions like listening to music, watching tv, etc. She said I see. I’m not for sure that she understands grounding techniques or coping skills either. Anyway she then went on to say do you want to live somewhere else? I said like where? She said in a hospital? Or worse still on the locked unit? I said no of course I dont. She said then you are somehow going to have to convey this to doctor barry. I said I already did, and I conveyed it to dr L too. Dr L didnt give me any feedback though. I’m not sure he cares to be honest. Dr barry does care. She took what I said seriously. I am just hoping the final decision is left to her, as my primary psychiatrist. I think with the right supports in place, I we could do perfectly ok on our own.