Tag Archives: Mood disorder

Dr Barry and other things

We saw Dr Barry on Wednesday. It went really well. Liz was the one who went in and she talked to Dr Barry for about 45 minutes. She told her how depressed she was and Dr Barry said she could feel the apathy coming from Liz. They talked about emotions and how liz is usually angry and deals with things by becoming angry towards others, but now, she’s leaning more towards dealing with her emotions in a more healthy way. She’s starting to think about what happened to her and process it in a much healthier way than she would have in the past. She told Dr Barry that she has a lot of survivors guilt about making it while others did not. She showed Dr Barry a picture of us when we were 7, and making our first holy communion. She said to Dr Barry how she’d shown it to our therapit too, and Eileen had said that seeing the picture, it really brought home to her the horror of what we’d been going through. Dr barry agreed. She said seeing it makes it so real, seeing us so happy in the picture, standing there in our communion dress, but going through such horrendous abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to be caring for us. I was glad Liz got to talk to Dr Barry for so long, I feel she needed it. I talked to Dr Barry for the last about 20 minutes of our appointment. We mostly discussed practical stuff, like how we need to sit down and go through the police report that Dr Barry did up a few months ago but that we havent given to them yet. Dr Barry said she felt it wasnt the right time and with our emotional state we should wait a couple of weeks, but if at any time I felt like discussing it to let her know and we could. I am happy to wait though. I dont know if I want it to go to the police now, like I said to Dr barry, once my info goes to them its out there, and I dont know what they’re planning on doing with it. Dr Barry thinks they are seeing if they actually have a case and need it to go forward but I honestly dont know. It kinda scares me if I am honest. I also talked a little with Dr Barry about missing my last OT apt with Mark. I told her dissociation and being in shut down mode had contributed to that. She said she’d been worried when she’d read we’d missed the apt. I told her I just couldnt face it and felt too unwell mentally to go to it. We rescheduled for July 30th already so that is good and I still get to see Mark then. Dr Barry asked me about college, and I gave her the updates on that. She said despite everything I’m managing and I should be proud of myself and of the system for copoing so well.
Yesterday we stayed home because the weather was so horrible outside. It rained all day torentially. My home help came and we cooked but other than that I did not do much of anything. sometimes though you just need a day to chill out, relax, and do mnothing. The next few days I’m going to be busy. Today Friday I have my nutritionist Karen and a weigh in and I am seriously hoping I’ve lost some weight. If I havent I’ll be crushed I think. It will be so disappointing if I havent since I’ve done lots of things to lose the weight this week. Mom wants to go to the beach with our sister and the kids and she asked me to go too but I said I’d wait and see how the weather will be. I think if its nice they’re planning on having a BBQ on the beach. Saturday I have to go to dublin for a shine council meeting. I’ll have to get up at 5 AM and get the 7 AM train to dublin because the meeting starts at 11 AM. So an early start. I’m both nervous and excited about goign to my first real council meeting. The staff at the basement club were saying the other day how proud of me they are. I thought that was really sweet of them. I also went on Wednesday to the being well course. We were working on being active, and on portion sizes, and it was really interesting. Portion sizes are so small! Like I could barely believe it when they measured out a portion of potatos, rice and pasta. We went for a smoothy after the class so that was nice.
Well thats all for now I think. Its been an up and down few days.

Mood dip

My mood is low. I feel lonely and alone. I also feel very depressed. I cant eat. Food doesnt seem appealing to me. Every time I think of eating I just want to vomit. I am drinking though which I guess is good.
I also took a shower this morning despite not wanting to which I suppose is also good. I guess I should try to take care of myself in here. Well I really dont get a choice because if you dont shower the nurses get on your case about it.
I cant believe what its come to with my family. I always knew they hated the fact I have mental health difficulties, but I never realised that when I was at a real low point that my mom would be how she is with me. She always prided herself on the fact that she’d do anything for her kids. I guess I dont count any more.
I feel sad, and broken, and my heart just hurts.
Carol anne