Tag Archives: Memories

taylor…its dark and im skard

hi its taylor and im six
im realy skard
its very dark ote side
i don lik de dark
i tried to pat nitro
so i wont feel skard
it work for litle bit
but now i jus feel skard agin
i was rembering stuf
i didnt like that
memores are hard
bad fings hapen to me in de dark
a long time ago
but somtims it feels like now
is anybudy up
to tok wif me
taylor

Therapy Monday

Had therapy with Eileen this morning. Was really so looking forward to it as she was on holidays last week and I really missed her. Got there 15 mins early so she wasnt ready yet to see me so I played trivia crack on my phone whhile I waited. When she came in and we started I told her I needed to ask her something, that there was something I really needed from her. I was so nervous to ask and I told her that I was nervous but she kept encouraging me to ask so eventually I just did. I said I needed a hug from her. Of course she straight off came over and hugged me. Omg it was amazing. Just to hear her heartbeat, feel her warm body as she held me, cuddle in to her as she put her head on my shoulder and I put mine on hers, listen to her breatheing, I did not want to let go. But eventually I had to and I reluctantly released my grip and we sat down. We talked about a lot of things today during our session. I told her the dissociation had been really bad last week, and that I’d missed most of my appointments because of it. I missed my Dr Barry appointment, my OT apt, and my nutritionist apt. I could not get out of bed to go to them, I was pretty non functional and she wondered if that was because she was away and we said we’d explore that a little bit more during a later session. We talked about past trauma memories, I told her I felt like I was going to burst into tears, that I felt I needed to cry but the sensation was there but the tears were not coming. She asked me to sit with the sensation, notice it, try to allow it to be there and not push it away. I just wanted it gone, the stress I felt was unbelievable. We talked about my partner Jess being in the hospital, and I told her I was trying to be there for her, and I am also trying to be there for my aunt, who is grieving the loss of her dad, my grandad, and so trying to be there for both of them, as well as having my own stuff going on is really hard and feels intense. We did not really go deep into the trauma stuff, but I did talk to her a little about the abuse, about the fact that in order to survive I had to tell myself life was ok, it was ok that I was being abused, and the other day the realisation hit me that actually no it wasnt ok, my life was hell, and if I hadnt said to myself it was ok I probably wouldnt have survived, but the truth is I dissociated to survive, that isnt really survival though. The realisation of that really threw me for a loop and I was left with a lot of intense emotions and felt kind of overwhelmed. We talked about weight and food and the struggle that I have with that. Eileen said that maybe I am focusing on the weight issues so that I dont have to focus on other more extreme things, I think she’s right, sometimes its easier to become preoccupied with my weight and how I look, it is easier to talk about that than to discuss the abuse and trauma and the past. Towards the end we talked about our old therapist J, and the relationship that we had with her, and I said to Eileen that I was afraid to let my vulnerabilities show, for fear she’d up and leave, abandon me, or I’d become too needy, she said we’d explore this more next week. It was an intense session but a good session. It flew by and all too quickly it was time to leave. I know though that if I need to I can email her any time during the week or text her if I need to connect with her which I am glad about.

Reminders of J

There are so many things that remind me of J our former therapist. Once again, tonight, I am reminded of her. I wish it wasnt so. It really is not good for us or our mental health to be reminded of her almost daily. Some things that remind us of her
The smell of coffee, as she’d always give us coffee during our sessions
Soft top cars, as she owned one and on more than one occasion took us for a ride in it
Razor blades, as we often brought them to her office, and we’d often use them to cut and she’d struggle to grab them from us
Soft blankets, as she’d often wrap us in one during our session
Ferraro roshes, which are candy, as those were her favourites
the book the very hungry catipillar as she’d often read this to our littles
eating out, as we often did this with her
the movies marley and me, and mama mia as she took us to see both of them
there are so many reminders, that make us grimace, make us emotional, make us feel ill, make us wish, wish that things could have been different…

Therapy processing and working with parts

Yesterdays therapy session was intense. I felt like crap in the morning. I was going through some memories as this time of year brings up a lot of stuff. I remember going in the taxi but I only remember part of the ride there. Eileen said a little was triggered out and we started off the session with a little present. After talking to her for a few minutes, and getting to the bottom of what was wrong, Eileen was able to ask for me and I fell into the body. My head was pounding, my chest and abdomen hurt. The pain was unbelievable. Eileen had me put my hands on the effected areas and just breathe into the pain, which helped a lot. Then we started processing some memories. I talked to her about the anniversary of when I lost my baby when we were 14. That was hard going. I felt a 12 year old insider close by, the memories were partly hers too. Eileen worked with both of us and I talked to the 12 year old part, I held her hand, I said I was sorry this had happened to her. Eileen asked me to get her to step back so I could look at her which I did. Then afterwords I told Eileen I saw her as vulnerable, scared, small…needing protection but she didnt have any back then. It was so sad and I felt like crying. After working for another while on those memories, we worked with the pulsers and did some EMDR. We stayed with the memories of the loss of our baby and tried to process some of them. But I kept dissociating. Then I got really emotional and we had to stop the EMDR. Eileen asked me to tell her what it felt like, an image, and I said my emotions felt like a tornado. So then she held my hand and helped me to come up with a safe place to go, away from the tornado. I chose my safe place to be my partners basement in her house, my partner lives in America. So we did a little more EMDr of me going to that safe place. After that we did a little more work with parts. I was telling Eileen that my mood was going all over the place, up and then down, daily. We figured out between us that there are two opposing parts, an up part and a down part. Eileen helped me to separate out from the parts and then I was able to see that they could offer things to the whole system…like for example determination, and stability. Its hard to separate out and not be right there in the midst of it but eventually I was able to do that by reminding myself that its 2015, its april, and I am ok and safe. It was a tough session and now Eileen is on holiday for a week. Today I see Dr Barry though. I have a lot to discuss with her.
Carol anne