Tag Archives: Memories

Settling in to the hospital

Well we finally got a bed. Not until close to 8 PM but we finally gone one. And we’re here now settling in.

The call came at around 6 30 or so but they told us not to come in until around 8 as they were doing the hand over and stuff. When we came in we didnt see doctor Barry, she’d gone for the day. We saw a junior doctor, can I say disaster? It was a total and utter disaster. First of all she was clueless about blindness. She didnt even guide us instead the security guard had to take us to the office where we were meeting her. Then there was the whole did discussion. She was clueless about that also. I told her I wasnt shirley, and that I was Carol anne and I was the dominant personality. She seemed to accept this but she was flustered I could tell. Anyway she took some notes and did a physical examination. And we’re ok physically.

We’re on the acute side of the ward. I’m a little nervous about this as I dont know the day staff who work on this side of the unit too good. Its a little unsettling. Plus I’ve heard the nurse in charge is a bit of a bitch and especially around food. Our worst nightmare come true.

We have barely eaten anything all day. We simply cant. Its a big struggle. We’re also having a lot of physical pain in our head, and in our shouldners and back. I think its memories though.

There are 3 others in our ward. They seem nice enough. They are mostly young and they seem friendly. One of them even brought me a cup of tea.

I hope I will sleep tonight but its doubtful. The doc on call wrote me up for a sleeping med. I forgot to ask her for PRN though. So unless I see another doc tomorrow I probably wont get any PRN until Tuesday. My bad!

Well I just wanted to update you all on our situation. Hope your all ok!
XX
Carol anne

Seeing our psychiatrist doctor Barry today

hi its me emily
im going to write about seeing doctor barry. im gonna write about it because i was out for most of the time. lexi had a little bit of time at the start, but i had most of the session. we were with doctor barry for an hour or so. i had to tell her a few things. i told her that i’ve been using laxatives and its been a long time since i did that. i wanted to also get diet pills but i couldnt. she asked if i’d been using the laxatives for long, and i told her for about 7 days or so. she asked if i’d been purging but i havent. i’ve been very anxious though and obsessing about my weight and weighing myself a lot and denying people food and not taking our meds properly.doctor barry said she realised i have a lot of power in the system, i said yes I do i am a power child. plus also carol anne is very depressed right now so its easier to get by her and around her because she is so down and suicidal and stuff. doctor barry asked how else could i manage my memories over the next week instead of doing self distructive things. i said i wasnt sure but i could write to our therapist or i could write things down for her. she said that sounded good to her. i also told her about cora and the break through we had recently in therapy with her. she was very pleased about that. we talked about eileen going on holidays next week. i said i am worried she wont return again. lexi was worried about that too. doctor barry said is everyone worried? i said ro isnt worried. she says eileens gonna return and not to worry. doctor barry said ro is right. i asked doctor barry if she was upset by the things we tell her. she said what we tell her is very traumatic but that i am not to worry, because it is her job to help us with our traumas and help us to manage them and that she is ok, and that we shouldnt worry about her that her feelings are not our responsibility. she wasnt mean about it though. she just said that she knows we pick up on things easily and to try and not worry about her. karen the social worker came in for part of the session to talk about the funding for our therapy and other recovery needs. she is going to ring the two organisations involved with that and get back to us tomorrow. she was all over nitro and rubbing him and oooing and awing over him. her and doctor barry had fun trying to decide if nitro was vicious or not. it was really hilarious. karen was all like thats what you need, a big vicious dog. and doctor barry was like um he’s big, but he’s not vicious. and they was both giggling. and then i started giggling. it was too funny. i told doctor barry that carol anne wants to get our school records back. doctor barry said she doesnt think its a good idea right now because the system is too unstable. she said maybe in a few months when things settle down a little bit. oh yeah it was karens first time to meet me, she is used to meeting carol anne. but she was nice to me and i asked her if she’d had a good holiday and she said yes and she was in a bad mood being back at work but i think she was joking about that. we see doctor barry again next thursday at 12 30.
Emily age 12

flashbacks

i listen to the ticking of the clock. its almost 2 30 pm. i hear it, tick, tick, tick. it transports me back in time. i start to remember. slowyly i try to ground myself. i dont want to remember, not now anyway. some other time maybe? i take a deep brath in, and i slowly let it out. i am trying to breathe. i often have trouble with breath, remembering to breathe in and out and keep breathing. suddenly everything starts to swim in front of me. my head starts to spin. i am being transported back in time. even though i dont want it. it is happening despite my best efforts. i know i’ll just have to sit with it. i pat my legs with my hands. i am trying to stay connected with my body. but its no use. i start to feel little. disconnected. vulnerable. i want to run. i want to hide. i want someone anyone to save me from this. but no one does. i must ride it out. i must be brave. i must try to survive this. and i will, because i always do.
Carol anne

I dont want to go to therapy

i dont want to go to therapy today. i am scared. i am afraid of whats going to come up and come out. things are crazy inside today. lots of screaming, arguing, and just…chaos. it feels like we’re on the edge of something huge. it feels like something is about to kick off and i can do nothing to stop it. it doesnt help that easters coming, lots of cult related holidays and ritual abuse memories there. our birthday is also coming in less than two weeks. again a big date, and not for good reasons. it just feels very unsafe right now inside and out. i know eileen will try to help us as best as she can. she always does. she keeps telling us we are safe, she tries to help us to ground when we get stuck in the memories, when they suck us in. i feel so unstable. i couldnt even go to the coffee morning today at the basement club, that they were having as a fundraiser. i wanted to go. but this morning i woke up feeling triggered, and just…rotten. so i didnt go. now i dont want to go to therapy. but i will because it is important, i know it is important for us to go. but i just wanna hide under the duvet and never come out ever again. i just want to disappear into nothingness. i just want to die. but i made a promise to my so that i wouldnt. and im not about to break it. i dont want easter to come. i feel like we will fall completely apart. i just hope we dont end up going into hospital. that is one of my worst nightmares. please friends if you are reading i could use some support. and thanks for reading. XX
Carol anne

Things are calmer now…

So earlier we were contemplating calling our therapist, because things around here were not good. We were severely triggered and it was very chaotic inside and we were left in a state of panic. So I posted a short piece earlier, that my good friend Bourbon of crazy in the coconut commented on and so I took her advice and called Eileen.

We had a long conversation. She was able to help calm us down and get us back to some sense of normality. I felt bad for bothering her on a Saturday morning, but she reassured me it was ok, and there was nothing to feel bad about. I managed to explain to her how every sound was triggering me, from dogs barking outside, to the sound of the running water. Especially the running water sound. That was just leaving me paralysed with fear.

She kept reminding me I was not drowning, no one was drowning me us now. We were safe, in our parents house, and its 2014 now not 1986. After a while of constant reassurances it finally sank in.

I am hopeful that the rest of today will go better. I need it to go better. I need to have a semi normal weekend since I have such a busy week next week what with all the appointments I have to attend. Lil sis and the kids just got here and we’ve just had dinner. Lil sis cooked me a pasta dish and it was delish!

Hoping ya’ll are having a great Saturday…
XXX :d
Carol anne