my mind is racing. everything is becoming blurry. i feel the familiar signs of dissociation kicking in. made myself some tea to try to calm myself down. a friend offered me a klonopin. she was kidding around, but I really wish I had something to take. the Lyrica I took hours ago hasnt worked. Damn it anyway anxiety and dissociation fucking suck.
tomorrow i see my psychiatrist dr B. i dont see her until 4 pm, but i bet you anything, when i get there, i’ll have a long wait, and i’m guessing it will be past six by the time i get home. i hate long waits, but its always like that, the joys of being in the public health system!
i have a lot i need to discuss with dr B tomorrow. i need to find out if she actually did talk to her junior doctor about his inappropriate behaviour, he was meant to guide me when i was going in to him a week or two ago but he left me to find my own way in to his office, and i got lost. i brought this up last week and dr B said she’d discuss it with him and tell him he was totally inappropriate. to be honest, it irks me, because i have a dog, its not like he couldnt see that and hadnt noticed it. i mean, how do you miss a big labrador?
i hope there isnt anyone too unwell there tomorrow. it scares me when there is people with really eratic behaviour in the waiting room. i think its because i am blind, but it really makes me uneasy, and afraid. i somehow think they are going to make a go for me or something. luckily that hasnt ever happened.
I was recently discussing with dr B meds for nightmares, so i may ask her if she’s found out anything more about any of the ones i mentioned to her. its difficult because most of the ones i mentioned to her are only available in the USA and arent licensed in Ireland.
Heres hoping for a good appointment though tomorrow.
Does anyone have any experiences of having bad migraines? What do you do when you get them? Are you on medication for them, or do you use other remedies to cope with them?
I get a lot of headaches. They are really bad sometimes. I dont eat a lot of chocolate. I do drink a lot of coffee though. I used to get really bad headaches when I was younger, but then they went away for a few years. Now they’re back, again.
I went to a migraine specialist a few years ago. It looks like I may have to go back to him again if I cant get them under control. I took imigran for a while. It kinda helped. Its a preventer medication for migraines.
I hope I can get them under control because they can be quite debilitating, and I hate having to spend hours laying in complete darkness, or with the curtains closed and lights out.
so…i have a question for my followers. i’d really appreciate any responses and advice you can give me.
dr barry and i have been discussing meds for nightmares. i gave her the names of a few. she’s researching them and she might be prescribing one for us.
have any of you ever tried or been on any med for nightmares? if you have, which one was it? and what was your experience of the med, did it help? was it no use? all comments welcomed!
Today was a very busy day. I was up since 6 AM. I had an appointment with our OT Mark at 8 15. The weather was really bad this morning, we had heavy snow over night and the roads had frozen. So the traffic was crawling and as a result my taxi was late gettint to me to bring me to my appointment. I texted Mark to say that I was on my way and that my taxi was late and I’d be a couple of minutes late. I’d no sooner sent it and my phone rang, it was Mark. He’d mixed up the days and thought we were meeting tomorrow morning. Luckily he works in the locked psychiatric secure unit and thats not far from the out patients hospital so he was able to drive to meet me. Its a good thing he wasnt still in bed or at home! So when we met we did more goal setting. I have 3 new goals for the next month. The goals are
1 Go to the gym at least once a week for a month.
2 Look into applying to the National council for the blind to volunteer with them, check out their website, and talk to someone there about the application process
3 I’d said that I wanted to do some baking with my P.A so my goal is to source at least two recipes that I think I’ll be able to make, and to look into buying the necessary equipment to make the recipes, like baking trays, measuring cups, etc.
After we finished with the goal setting we talked about my lack of motivation around exercise. Mark is really into his sports and used to train a lot so he gave me some tips. He said I should focus on the process, and not the end result. That its the actual process that will get me the results. I hadnt thought of it like that before! He also said if I set a specific time, day of the week, then I am more likely to get into the frame of mind that that is my exercise time and even if I dont feel like it I’ll probably go.
After the appointment with Mark I went with the clinic nurse to get my xeplion shot. I am always apprehensive about the shot but it didnt hurt at all. The nurse is very skilled at giving them and she always gets us to take a deep breath in, and then do deep breathing as she administers it.
Then came my apt with Dr Barry. We had a great session today. I talked about possibly aging up to 21. She asked me about my history of being specific ages, as I havent always been 19, in fact there was a time when I was only 14, and I didnt have the responsibility that I have now running the system and stuff. She asked me how would aging to 21 impact on me psychologically, how would it impact on me from day to day. I told her that I’d hope that my decision making skills would be enhanced, and that I wanted to learn to support the younger insiders more and that me and Eileen have been working slowly in therapy on me doing that. I’m still thinking about it and I havent decided fully yet whether I will age or not. We also talked about the medications for treating nightmares. I had the names of some that my friends gave me and I gave them to her. She recognised them and said she’d look into it more. She asked me how I was doing with the increase in the lyrica and I told her it was going fine and I wasnt having any problems. We talked about me possibly pushing Shirley out in therapy this week…just because I think she needs some time with Eileen, and she rarely comes of her own accord, she needs the help to come forward in the body. Dr Barry asked me if it took a lot of effort to bring Shirley forward and I told her the effort is in trying to fill her in on the goings on of our daily life as that can be draining on me. I asked Dr Barry if she’d be willing to talk to Shirley some time soon too, as I now feel that I trust her fully and I feel totally at ease and safe with her and I feel that its now safe to allow her to get to know Shirley. Before we were protecting her just in case something bad happened or went wrong or something. She seemed pleased that I’d agree to this now and she said sure, she’d love to talk to Shirley. We then got on to talking about me never knowing what it felt like to be 34, shirleys age. I was telling Dr Barry that if you came into my house, you’d never think a 34 year old lived there. The house is full of toys, kids movies, art supplies, music that teenagers like, there isnt much adult things in our home. She thought this was very interesting and I suppose I hadnt ever thought about it really but Dr Barry said that its possible that the reason the police thought we had an intelectual disability was because of that very reason. That does make sense I guess. I’m so used to living this way that I dont really pay much attention to it. Nobody in my immediate family or friends comments really. Every so often my niece will say how come you have toys, but thats not often and usually I just say because I need them for when you come over to play. I remember one time an ambulance came after an overdose we had and the paramedic was convinced I was hiding kids in the house, she kept asking me wheree are the kids that live here. She would not believe that there wasnt any kids in the house. She literally searched high and low for the children and eventually when she was satisfied that I wasnt lying to her she just said what are all the toys for…and I then had to explain I had did. I was explaining all that to Dr Barry today. So by the time we were done with all that talking a whole hour went by. We made another appointment for next monday morning.
I came home then and after eating lunch I went to bed for a couple hours. I was so exhausted. So thats been my busy day.