Therapy yesterday was intense. We had a lot to talk about and work on including working on memories from the solstace triggers, but to be honest we never really worked on the memories fully, because Eileen said to do it I had to be solid, grounded, very stable, and secure in myself. She said its all about safe trauma processing and she wasnt going to dive into it and overwhelm us. Thats ok though. I dont want to become overwhelmed. So we worked around the memories, on the feelings associated with them, and on deep breathing. I am not good at being able to breathe deeply, slowly, etc. So eileen had me do some visualisations, and she held my hands and we did some breathing where she counted for four and i breathed in, and then she counted for five as I breathed out. That kinda worked. I was able to breathe then but she did say I only use my upper chest and I dont breathe into my belly. So she placed her hand on my stomach and we tried to have me breathe into it. I wasnt really able to manage it though. We’re going to keep working on it. We did some work with some younger parts, Eileen had me show them our house, by imagining the house, imagining me holding their hand, walking up to the house, going in, and then showing them around. Showing them that its safe now, its 2015, we’re safe, they are safe. Inviting them to live in our house too. They were in awe and were excited to know that its not back then, and they are safe. So many of them are stuck in trauma, and are in a current state of feeling unsafe. It was good that we were able to do this to show them otherwise. By the end of the session I was completely drained. Of course I asked Eileen for a huge hug before I left which she gladly gave me. I did not want to let go of her. As she held me I breathed in her smell, I listened to her heartbeat and it grounded me and I felt able to leave and go home and I wasnt triggered or dissociated or anything.
During todays therapy session, I got very dissociated. I’m not sure why it happened, but after we did the EMDR, we were talking, and I felt a real pull, a draw to dissociate. It was as if I was on string, being pulled away from the room. I got all floaty, and things started to go black. I kept trying to stay present and in the room, but the dissociation was bad and I got really stressed. In the end Eileen asked me to stand up and go with her over to the window, to get some air. After I did that things got a little bit easier. It was warm in her office so that could have contributed to the dissociation to. Its weird but temperature does play a part in how much we dissociate. Eileen said though that she noticed that it wasn’t there the whole time, that some of the time, a lot of the time, we were with her very present and grounded and able to hold a conversation. When the dissociation takes hold its very difficult to try to hold any kind of conversation.
Does anyone else have trouble when your in other people company with dissociation, spacing out, things feeling foggy, floaty, or going all black on you?
If you do what do you do to combat it?
I’m in a bit of a state this morning. I need reassurance, I need some distraction. Has anyone got any advice? Distraction techniques? Titbits of reassurance or advice? Feeling rather edgy. Overwhelmed and a little shaken. As I said earlier memories are threatening to engulf me. Its no picnic and not cool. Any advice tips or what not appreciated.
i dont want to go to therapy today. i am scared. i am afraid of whats going to come up and come out. things are crazy inside today. lots of screaming, arguing, and just…chaos. it feels like we’re on the edge of something huge. it feels like something is about to kick off and i can do nothing to stop it. it doesnt help that easters coming, lots of cult related holidays and ritual abuse memories there. our birthday is also coming in less than two weeks. again a big date, and not for good reasons. it just feels very unsafe right now inside and out. i know eileen will try to help us as best as she can. she always does. she keeps telling us we are safe, she tries to help us to ground when we get stuck in the memories, when they suck us in. i feel so unstable. i couldnt even go to the coffee morning today at the basement club, that they were having as a fundraiser. i wanted to go. but this morning i woke up feeling triggered, and just…rotten. so i didnt go. now i dont want to go to therapy. but i will because it is important, i know it is important for us to go. but i just wanna hide under the duvet and never come out ever again. i just want to disappear into nothingness. i just want to die. but i made a promise to my so that i wouldnt. and im not about to break it. i dont want easter to come. i feel like we will fall completely apart. i just hope we dont end up going into hospital. that is one of my worst nightmares. please friends if you are reading i could use some support. and thanks for reading. XX