Tag Archives: Grief

Life goes on

So this morning I’ll be very busy. My PA is coming in a half hour. As usual I have a lot of housework for her to do. But I also need to take Nitro to the vet, and do some grocery shopping…so the time will fly by I am sure. Nitro has ear mites, again, plus he needs to have his anal glands expressed. On thursday of this week his trainer Nathalie came to visit and we did some familiarisation around the college where I’ll be starting in September. We were shown all the classrooms I’ll use, the lunch area, toilets etc and then Nathalie did some training with us which went really well. Its a pretty small college and so it didnt take long at all to do the training. Nitro was his usual awesome self and I was so very proud of him. After the training was finished, we went back to the guide dog centre to have a coffee. Nathalie had said that we’d get one of the kennel staff to look at Nitros ears because he’d been shaking a lot. So that is what we did. Laura from kennels took him, cleaned out his ears, and then brought him back to me. When she came back she said it looked like his anal glands were full. I didnt even know that! So that afternoon I made an appointment for him to see the vet. I have him on a diet too and he’s losing weight on it so I am glad. He went from 38.7 KG to 37.3 KG is two weeks. And this week after the second two weeks he’s down another kilo. I just reduced his food intake and didnt give him so much treats. And it seems to be working. I dont really have any other weekend plans. Tomorrow my mom and aunts are going to my grandads home town to bury the remainder of his ashes. My sisters driving them, and I could have went. But I chose not to do that. I dont really know my grandads family and I feel like I’d like to grieve in my own way. I can still say a prayer tomorrow when I know they’ll be burying the ashes. I’d rather say goodbye in my own way. Its been almost 3 months since he passed away. On 26th July it will be 3 months. How time flies. The grief is still pretty raw. I still miss him a lot.

I just want an end

I just want an end to the pain. Please. Please let the flashbacks end. I cant take them any more. I’m so physically sick from them. I spent the majority of today throwing up. I wasn’t able to eat. I managed a banana but that was it. I cant do this any more! They are smothering me and us. We barely got up today. A nurse took us for a walk to get us out of our room. Then doctor Barrys junior doctor saw us. He made us feel really insecure because he kept saying what would we do if doctor Barry couldn’t always see us. So then I said is she planning on not seeing us any more? And he was like no I’m just saying she’s a consultant and she’s very busy. But we haven’t had any discussion around it. So then I said why are you saying it then? And he was like, I’m just testing you. I said your pretty mean if that’s what your doing when you know I’m in turmoil. He said sorry and that he was just seeing if there was anyone else we liked as much as doctor Barry. I said our therapist but that was pretty much it. He wanted to get the home based crisis team involved but I said they don’t like us. Then he said I was generalising because there are a lot of them on the team. I don’t know why he chose to argue with me about them. They refuse to work with our did diagnosis, doctor barry knows that and she wont get them involved. He said if someone spoke to the consultant on the team, told her that she was to speak with who ever presented, would we work with them then? I said no. He really freaked us all out. I want to tell doctor barry on Friday but he’ll probably be in the room. Part of me is nervous to get him into trouble. He asked if we’d see him sometimes up in the out patient clinic and I said no. I said we’re not meant to see anyone except the consultant. He was all he didn’t know that. It wasn’t a good meeting. I just feel so physically worn down…drained and nautious. I just want the pain to end.