I am feeling unwell. Emotional. Overwhelmed. Sad. Everything from the past week what with my grandads death, which is a biggie, and then the anniversary of losing my baby to miscarriage all those years ago, opening up in therapy to Eileen, giving her more of our family history, everything, it all has just gotten to me. Of course I want to numb the pain, but I cant. I am feeling every ounce of its power. And its horrible. Sometimes I wish I could turn my emotions off completely. It would be better if I could. I’ve been trying to just act normal, be normal, do everything as normal, but I’m crashing, I’m crumbling, and its not pretty. Life is hard. Life is tough. But as my partner always says to me, tough times dont last, but tough people do. I really hope thats true as right now its hard to believe.
so the weekend was pretty quiet, all things considered. the family are still pretty consumed by our grandads passing, last Friday mom and her siblings went to his house, to try and sort out the insurance policies, and other things. His ashes came back from the crematorium. They’re in two boxes, half of them are being spread on our grammas grave, and the other half are being spread on his parents grave. Thats what he wanted.
on saturday i had my new P.A, my regular one is off for two weeks. The new girl is african, and she was nice, we hit it off. She did a lot of housework for me, then we went to mcdonalds to have a frape. it was my first time to taste a frape, and man it was good! i got a caramel one.
i usually spend the weekend at my parents but this weekend I didnt do that. not sure why, but I think I just wanted my own space, and some alone time at home just me and nitro. It was nice. On sunday I did go to my parents for dinner. Then on Sunday evening me and mom went to our aunts house. We just had a catch up and they had some drinks, I didnt drink though.
Today is a bank holiday here. We are going to a local garden centre with our mom and aunts, we’ll have lunch there, and look around, I might even buy a plant or two!
So I’ve posted on our blog a few times, that our grandad was very ill. It was kidney failure he had.
He died last Sunday. At 1:25 in the afternoon. It was a really peaceful death, but the lead up to it was awfully hard on him. The week before he died he was extremely sick. The toxins from his kidneys went into his brain. He had severe agitation, confusion, etc. It was really awful to watch him go through that.
On Friday morning he got a morphine pump on…and that was the beginning of the end. He slipped into a coma then and only woke up for brief periods, where his eyes would flicker open and he make little sounds. We were all there when he passed, all of his six kids, and 10 grandkids. He died smiling.
The funeral was yesterday. It was so very sad. But it was also so beautiful. He got cremated. That was his wish. The service was beautiful, with lots of singing, readings, my aunt spoke about him, and we did the prayers of the faithful. I almost fell apart as I read them but somehow I held it together.
Its been a really emotional few days. To be honest I am glad its all over. It has really taken an emotional toll on us. I know my grandad is happy now and he isnt suffering any longer. Its a relief for him really. He had such a fear of dying, however he fought such a courageous and brave battle. He inspires me to be positive or try to be positive about life and keep fighting and battling on even when I dont want to.
Well there isnt much up with me today. we had a pretty rough night last night, and we didnt sleep very well at all. woke up at 4 AM, went to the bathroom, and was going to get up then but decided I’d try to go back to bed and sleep for a little bit longer. I did finally manage a little more sleep and eventually got up at 8 when Nitro was starting to get restless, probably he was hungry for his breakfast. actually managed to eat breakfast which i’ve been trying to do lately but I havent been succeeding every day. caught up on email then and read some on facebook. i was reading facebook on my iphone but it seems the newsfeed is all messed up, with the newest stories not appearing first, does anyone know a way to make the stories on your time line appear in the order in which they were posted? after I finished reading facebook mom put a color in my hair. i had lots of greys and they needed to be covered up. now my hair looks really rich again. i’m really pleased with how it came out. dad was cooking dinner while we did that. we had pork today. dad always cooks dinner on sundays. we’ve just finished eating it now and it was so good. no plans for the rest of the afternoon. dads going to the hospital to visit his brother, whose still in there. he’s there almost 9 weeks now. our grandad is also not doing very well. we all think it wont be too long now and he’ll die. he’s getting worse and worse every day. i was talking to dr barry the other day and she asked me if he’d started to get confused yet. he has. she said once the confusion sets in that the end is very near. i’ll probably stay at our parents again tonight and go home tomorrow morning. i stayed last night too. emotionally i’m feeling mostly ok today. it seems to be at night my emotions get the better of me and i fall apart. if i keep distracted during the day i tend to do better.
everything is going downhill. i had a good evening with my mom and aunt. but now in the solitude of the bedroom i am crying. i am aching. i am having severe flashbacks. emotional overload. i miss my gramma so much. last week was her anniversary. she was 21 years dead. i couldnt acknowledge it last week. but now? Now its really really starting to sink in and hurt. i was so close to my gramma. every weekend during the time when the abuse was going on, i’d see her and we’d talk, not about the abuse, but talking to her, watching movies with her, it took my mind off of the horrific stuff going on daily during the week. then she got cancer and died. i still miss her every day. tonight especially. my aunt was talking earlier about a photo she put up on facebook. it was taken on the day i made my confirmation. she put the photo up on the day of my grammas anniversary last week. and tonight she was saying how none of her grandkids who are all on facebook liked it. that hurt me. i would have liked it but i never came across it. sometimes im not on there a lot and i miss some stuff that people put up. my aunt said she was shocked that all the grandkids would not like the photo. it hurts to think she thinks i dont care about my gramma because i certainly do care. i guess everything just hurts right now and its night time and i just really miss my gramma a lot right now. i’ll probably be ok tomorrow.