Tag Archives: Fear

Why?

Some days being a survivor sucks. really, i hate it. some days, i’d rather be dead. being dead would be so much easier. some days, i feel like life has been so unfair to me, first the abuse, then the did, the ptsd, the anxiety, the triggers, constant triggers that dont let up. sometimes life is ok, like this past weekend, but always in the back of our mind there is the suicidal thoughts and voice. die. kill yourself. do it. nobody wants you around. they would all be better off if you did it. what are you waiting for? and then today i heard about a 15 year old who lived a little ways away from me and he committed suicide. and i felt incredibly sad for him and his family. such a young life, wasted and i thought, why? what was going on for him? how is it i never think that for myself? how is it i never ask why? i never question why we are feeling so sad, lost, and suicidal? the whys never seem to matter. i guess we dont think too much of ourselves right now. life is hard. the days go by in a blurr of pain, triggers, overwhelm. we try to normalise it. we act happy because its what everyone around us wants to see. the only people we can truly be real with are dr barry, eileen and a select few friends. i wish things were different. i really do. if i had a different life story maybe they would be.

Had a nightmare

just woke from a terrible nightmare. feeling hot, clammy, sweaty, scared, shaky, vulnerable…
ug i hate hate nightmares.
i wish someone was awake to talk with. feeling disorientated and dizzy and very strange…
just looked at the time. Its almost 4 30 in the morning. i dont think i’ve been asleep very long at all. why is my sleep always littered with nightmares? i just want a night where I dont have any.
but sigh…that is just wishful thinking.