I will be passwording some blog posts over the next while. They’ll have some pretty intense stuff in them that I dont feel like sharing with the whole world. Feel free to go to the contact page of this blog and shoot me an email if you’d like to read the intense posts. Fair warning though, these posts will have memories in them, triggers, sexual stuff related to abuse, along with other intense feelings.
So…if your ok with that, and you want to still read them, email us. Or comment here and I will email you.
Yesterday I got very emotional during therapy. I’d had a pretty overwhelming few days. Everything was built up. It simply had to come out.
Eileen: How are you feeling inside right now?
Me: I feel like I’m climbing a mountain, a huge mountain. And its swallowing me up. The torain is rough and jagged. There are huge gaping holes, and I think I’m going to fall into one if I’m not careful!
Eileen: Coming over and sitting next to me and grabbing my hand. “Can I go up the mountain with you?
Me: Yes, ok.
eileen: Holding me tighter and squeezing my hand reassuringly…you wont fall in a hole. I promise. I am holding you. I’ve got you.
Me…crying…will you catch me if I fall?
Eileen: Of course I’d catch you, its ok, you arent going to fall, we’ll do this a little at a time…slowly…in little manageable pieces. I wont let things get too much for you.
After a few more minutes talking about the built up emotions and the overwhelm of last weekend, Eileen did a guided imagery thing with me, where we stepped away from the part of the mountain we were on, went to a lake, sat, ate a picnic, and then walked hand in hand off the mountain…together. From a distance it wasnt so overwhelming anymore.
I’m alone and I feel lonely. Its always hard to be alone in my house or even when I’m around people. I dont do so well by myself. I’m a social person by nature. I get bored easily and I need to be distracted and socialise with others so negative thoughts and emotions dont creep in. The flashbacks are always worse when I’m alone. Its like my mind has time to think and process stuff more. Well of course it has with nobody around to talk to except nitro, and believe me I do talk to him. We have lots of cuddle sessions on the bed. I put the radio on for company or sometimes I just listen to music on my phone on the spotify ap. If there is something that will hold my interest I’ll watch tv but I’m not a huge tv fan. I would not watch it for hours on end. I just wish the flashbacks would not be so intrusive. I need a break from them.
I’m so upset right now. My mom just lectured me about my weight. Why does she feel the need to knit pick? I mean I know I have a problem. I know that. Doesnt she know I know? Why does she feel the need to harp on me about it? It really upsets me and makes me so depressed thinking about my weight. With her harping on it I start thinking how fat I am and how I need to lose. Then I start trying to come up with plans to lose it. Only my plans include purging, starving, using laxatives, doing all the wrong sorts of things. I know in reality that wont help. I know that. But when she keeps saying shit to me its hard to think about reality. On the way home in the car today she was all like if you keep eating fatty food you’ll get huge “right now I weigh about 218 pounds”. And she was like your eating all the wrong things. You have a crappy diet. I told her to stop lecturing me, that I was going to sort it out. She said oh I’ve heard that before, I’m not even going to listen, your almost 35. If I am almost 35 why is she lecturing me? You’d think she’d know better. When she was a teen she was huge. She ate all the wrong things. And my dad helped her to lose the weight when they met. But she’s always on to me about weight. Today she said I wasted my time going walking the other day because I had eaten take out food twice this week. Its hard to cook for one you see. I don’t want to be bothered. I know that sounds as if I am lazy, I’m not. But at night I get hungry. And then I eat pizza or something like that. Twice this week I have. And now everyones on to me about it mom, my sister, my dad…and I am just obsessing now and trying to think what I can do. I know I need to talk to my nutritionist about it probably but I know this week when I go I’m going to be probably up weight and then I’ll be absolutely disgusted with myself. I’ll be so disappointed. Why is weight so fucking tough to deal with?
This week is turning into a busy one. I have lots of appointments. On Monday I had dr barry. Today I have therapy with Eileen. Tomorrow I see Mark our OT, and on Friday I see Karen the nutritionist. I haven’t had such a hectic week in a while now. I am feeling somewhat apprehensive about therapy, wondering how it will go. I know Alicia is going to do some work on anger, and I want to work some on the recent emotional upheaval that the winter solstice brought on. It has been lingering now for a while and I feel it is time we worked on stuff and brought it out into the open. Tomorrow with Mark I think we’ll be working on goal setting, and the interest list we were working on before xmas. It is a really early appointment with Mark, I go at 8:15 AM. I don’t mind though, I like early mornings and I am a morning person on most days. As for Fridays appointment, I am dreading it. My weight is such a battle these days. I need to lose about 70 pounds. I made a new years resolution that I would really try hard to do something about my weight. But I am slow to start. I haven’t really been exercising like I said I would. But I have been eating better, more healthily and that has helped some. The weight is so hard to shift though! Why is it so easy to put it on but so hard to take it off? I also have the stress of trying to get in touch with the college that I am supposed to be starting later this year. I’ve tried to call the manager twice this week already and he hasn’t returned my calls. I just want to know where my application is at, what the status of it is and where the college are with it. I suppose I’ll try again today but I seriously think it is not very professional for them not to return my calls. I was suppose to go to an audio book club meeting too tonight but I am thinking of backing out of it. I am really just too tired to think about going. Usually we meet once a month, to discuss the months book and choose a new book for the next month. I’d prefer to visit my parents than go to the meeting and that is probably what I’ll do. Overall its just a stressful week and I am also kinda stressing out about the police investigation and what will happen with that. I even dreamt about it tonight and woke up startled and quite uneasy. I just hope if they do investigate that something comes of it. Otherwise dr Barry will have written a report for nothing and I will have spent all this time worrying all for nothing.