Omg I am so not a morning person since I started college. I keep saying I’ll get a routine going, and go to bed at a reasonable time. Then I dont. I really do need to try doing that! I didnt get to bed last night till after 2 AM. Then I slept fitfully and eventually got up at 7 AM. Saw to Nitro, and then ate breakfast. I swear though my eyes are hangout out of my head! I booked my taxi and will leave at 9:45 AM. It is gonna be such a busy day because after college I have therapy. I’ll come home in between for about an hour. But therapys at six, so I wont get home till after 8 eek. I think therapys going to be hard tonight. I wonder if we’ll do more EMDR. I like that but its tough going. Dealing with the trauma stuff is really hard.
Yesterday we had a tough therapy session. We were feeling very emotional during most of it. It happened that Eileens mom became ill yesterday morning, so at the last minute Eileen had to cancel so she could take her mom to the doctor. She said she’d call us back later in the day to reschedule, and true to her word she did and we saw her at 4 PM.
She was asking me what was with me and how I was doing but I couldnt quite get my words together to talk. I just kept dissociating and spacing out.
Eventually Liz said she wanted some time to talk. So Liz came out then and I stepped back, but I was able to listen to what was being said from inside. Liz is really depressed. She told Eileen she doesnt care about anything. That she feels like there is a huge weight dragging her down. Eileen could feel it too, and she said she felt really lethargic and sleepy all of a sudden, and that she felt like there was a sorta disconnect between us.
She sat directly infront of us so she could look at us and her and Liz kept on talking. Liz said she felt like she was going to burst into tears, and Eileen sais it was ok to do that, but Liz wouldnt. Eileen kept asking her what she thought would happen if she allowed herself to get emotional. But Liz was very unresponsive.
She told Eileen about the dream we’d had. And how we’d argued in the dream, and eileen asked if in the dream Liz was angry at her, but Liz said no, you were angry at us. Eileen thought that was very strange. She asked Liz if she thought she’d get angry at us if we got emotional, but Liz said no.
We were going to work with the pulsers but Eileen had left them somewhere when she’d last used them outside of her office, so instead she had us cross our arms over our chest, in a hugging manner, and do a tapping exercise to bring up the feelings of sadness that Liz was feeling.
We never did cry. We came really close a couple of times. But we were just unable to allow it to happen.
Eileen walked us around the room to help us to come back into our body. She said she noticed that we were really really dissociative and she kept asking which part felt that way, why they were feeling like that, what they were trying to block etc. It was a very tough session.
I felt like we did not get a lot accomplished in yesterdays session. It wasnt like our usual sessions where we talk freely. Its not because we dont trust her, we most definitely do. It was just that we were feeling very intense emotions and were just scared of what that meant for us.
This week therapy was tough. We talked about me not having a sense of self. Because I feel I dont. I always worry about everyone else inside, how they are, what they need, what they like dont like, and I neglect what I want, like and dont like, need etc. So we talked for a while about my sense of self. And then Eileen had me think about it a little bit. And I couldnt really do it. I was struggling with that. She told me to think about the core of my being, and I kept feeling child like. She said that that was probably another part, and she asked me if it was ok if that part stepped back and gave me space to work with this. So I tried again. Then all of a sudden it hit me. A sense of knowing, a sense of feeling authoratitive, like I could accomplish things, Eileen said it was a sense of “I can look after myself, I know what I need, etc”. She said this was my sense of self. Someone who is able to take care of things and of us. We worked with the pulsers then. She had me tell her how I was feeling in my body, and how I was experiencing this. That part was hard. But I did it. When we finished I felt very happy and like I knew myself a little bit better. It felt good.
So because Dr Barry is on holidays, I saw Dr S, her junior doctor. Dr S and us had a rocky start. She’s been in the mental health services for a year now, she wasnt under Dr Barry when I saw her last year for an assessment. Actually the reason we had such a rough start was due to Ro, who is usually a very angry insider. Ro felt that Dr S was dismissing her during that initial assessment, and she got very annoyed with her. But we’re over it now. We actually like Dr S now. Today we discussed a lot. We felt she really heard us, and she really listened. She was interested, and wanted to know about our life, and what was going on for us. It was easy to open up to her. She was really interested when we told her about doing EMDR in therapy, as she said she’s only ever read about it, and she didnt know much about how it was done. We also discussed the ongoing police investigation, and our anxiety levels around this time of year and the anniversaries of abuse and stuff. We also discussed some about our family, and she was really understanding about that, too. I told her what our aunt had said recently and she said how rude that was and how when someone is in another persons home they shouldnt be so insulting. We also discussed some issues around attachment both to our therapist, and to dr Barry. I said how I hate that Dr barry is exposed to the things that happened to us, because she lives in a totally different world to that, and I dont like that she has to be exposed to the horrific things that went on in our life. Dr S said the day a psychiatrist stops caring about the patients they see, is a bad day. And she also said she realised we have a very strong bond built up with dr Barry since we see her weekly. It was a good appointment and I am glad I put my anxiety about seeing Dr S behind me and just went for it, and saw her. It was worth it.
We went to therapy this morning. We were really not feeling great on the way there. There had been terrible storms last night, and they’d left us feeling scared and anxious. When we got there we first talked about the session with Dr Barry last Monday. Eileen said she had gotten my text about it. I told her how I’d said to Dr Barry that I felt I was wasting her time, since in the last session I couldnt really articulate what it was that I was feeling, I couldnt get my words out. She asked me if that ever happened again, could I please let her know that I was feeling stuck, and she’d help me to recover. So I said I would try. After that we talked a little about my childhood. She asked me if there was anyone who protected me or nurtured me when I was growing up. I had to think for a minute, but then I said yes, there was, my gramma on my moms side of the family. I’d been really close to her and spent a lot of my childhood visiting her and she was special to me, as I was to her. She was always very protective of me and caring, she wanted to know about my life, and she would always ask me lots of questions about what I was doing in school, etc. Of course I never told her the truth about what was going on, but I was glad all the same that someone cared, and was interested in me. Eileen asked me to call up the memories of her and to tell her what I felt. So I did and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Then out of the blue, Eileen asked me if it would be ok if she gave me the pulsers, the pulsers are part of what you do when your doing EMDR. I felt a little uneasy but I decided to try and so I said yes she could give them to me. While I had the pulsers we worked on the memory of my gramma, she asked me lots of questions about her, and I was able to bring up a lot of good memories of her. Then Eileen asked me if we had anywhere inside that was a safe space, and I said yes, we have a safe room inside where the kids usually go if something triggering is going on, or we have to do something that makes them feel unsafe, we send them there. Eileen said we could bring our gramma inside, into that safe place. So we worked on doing that. We created a special rocking chair, with pillows all around it, and she said when we needed nurturing, that we could call on our gramma. She asked us if there was anything else that we needed to bring in to the room, so that we could better visualise our gramma, and I said yes, there was, so we brought in the movie collection that our gramma had, we used to watch movies with her at the weekends. So we made a space in the safe room for those, too. That was a lot of work, and I was feeling exhausted afterwords. I also felt very very connected to eileen. But something was missing. It was physical connection. So I said to Eileen, would it be ok if she sat by me, because I need to physically feel her presence. She said of course, and came over to sit with us. She asked me if I’d like her to hold my hand and I said yes I would. So she took one of my hands in both of hers. And we just sat and talked for a while. We talked about my eye color, and Eileen said I have striking eyes. They are green, I didnt even know that! She said I was very pretty and I had to laugh then. I said my mom had recently said similar things to me about being good looking and pretty and that I’d felt weird then. But funny enough I didnt feel weird at all when she said it to me, I felt loved, I felt safe, i felt warm and protected. We talked some more and Eileen said how I’d been on my own for far too much of my life, and that I had her now, and I didnt need to feel alone any more. She would be there to support and help me through hard stuff. By this time, lots of the other insiders were clustered all around me, all wanting a piece of the action. Then all of a sudden eileen said would it be ok if we made a room inside and it could be a place where I could come and be with you all. I said yes I’d like to try that. So together we started working on a room, we made it kind of like her office, but with remote control blinds on the windows, that could make it any way we wanted, dark or bright, night or day, etc. Then we had a rocking chair put in the room, and a statue of a lion, because lions are very protective. We put the statue behind the chair where Eileen would sit, if we needed her. Obviously Eileen isnt really inside with us, but if we need her, we can go to that room and call on her, and since we had created it together it would be even better, work better I mean. We put book shelves in the room, so that she would be able to read to the kids. We also put a nice garden outside the window of the room. And around the room we put angels, crystals, and other healing sorts of things that we know eileen likes. When we were creating the room, we used the pulsers again and it worked like a treat. I have to say we did a lot of hard work today. The session flew by so quickly, and before I knew it it was time to leave. I feel like it was a very productive session. And most importantly I feel like I trust Eileen even more now, I feel so connected to her in every way now too. Carol anne